Through Life's Lens

end of life as we know it

2012-01-15T01:00:00.008+08:00

I'll be taking the plane home in less than 9 hours from now.

It's been a great semester.

I guess it's true that we'll never be where we aren't supposed to be. I've learned so much about myself and about the people around me. And above all, i think i've caught an even closer glimpse of the God i love with all my heart and life.

I considered and pondered on the many things i have never pondered upon before. I learned to look at the hearts of others and who they really are at the core, rather than at what they do or what only meets the eyes.

I'm privileged to be with the most diversified groups of people (both in class and in CSS) possible; something i could not come to terms with earlier on. God has really shown me so much, time and again.

I ended this semester with a short trip to Kuantan with my classmates. We got back to kl today and i'm surprised to catch myself feeling a bit melancholic.

I didn't realise how far a journey we've come and how fast it could be coming to an end. This marks the end of an era as we know it and for all that's happened, i'm eternally grateful. For all the care i've received, the love i'm given, for the rougher and lonelier roads, for all the bad things even. I'm still learning to fix my weaknesses, still learning to be a better person but i indeed have a good story to tell.

The road ahead is still a long and uncertain one. Sometimes we lose sight of one another, sometimes we lose sight of ourselves and sometimes we lose sight of the important things in life.

But here's love and cheers to you all whom i've come to love. Both back at home and here.

"i see my reflection in the snow-covered hill."

Really, home is where the heart is.. and well, i'm coming home.

no one here

2012-01-02T23:01:00.003+08:00

"So put it all behind you
Where you cannot see
And if you're growing older
Don't forget me
Cause I will disappoint you
Just because I can
And I will bring you back
To all that you say when you wanna call me friend
And every time I show you
How this is gonna end
My love."
-The 88

I'm drowning myself in the song. I feel very tiny. Some days, i'm awed by the truth that i'm so small in a universe so vast.

Some days like these..it just brings me down.
Is life supposed to be like this? One second you're strapped in a roller-coaster seat, you're laughing alongside friends whilst the ride tosses and the wind is gently teasing at your hair, then the next your soul is booted out of the seat and you watch as the ride goes on and on even though you're no longer on it.

Even though you're no longer on it.

I can see my flaws. They terrify me.
Do actions make a person? If they do, i'm broken.

I think it is time to walk away, mend this void and be a better person.

So put it all behind you
Where you cannot see
And if you're growing older, don't forget me.

in a bottle

2011-12-28T13:58:00.005+08:00

hello love,
they tell me nice stories
in complicated tones
i write out complicated wishes
on simple notes.

maybe i try to be different
and feign some indifference
maybe i deceive myself
and amuse me with stories they tell.

because i love too
though my love i cannot free
because i ache too
though my longing like a breeze.

i try to carve words
but it is simple, really
this is my love song to you
you whom i haven't met in reality.

funny thing, of late i have many doubts about who i am. maybe not doubts, but re-considerations. things i was so sure of. maybe i need someone to prove me wrong or right. so i want to be open to every possibility God wants to show me and hopefully at the end, give myself at my best.

Eclipse

2011-12-11T02:21:00.004+08:00

Today, i learnt plenty of things. It's one of those days whereby you are so occupied the day becomes a mini roller-coaster ride, not in a bad way.

I started my day off super early. Took my shower, said my prayer on the balcony to the sun rising and went back to sleep til 11am. I had brunch with Julius, Jennifer and Vanessa. Then i went off to Midvalley to meet up with Reening.

And i have to say that taking the KTM is one of utmost dreaded effort. Watching how sardines of human bodies collided with one another (and being collided against, myself) i wondered how people could be so cold towards one another. We're all so tight and close, yet we're oblivious of the existence of anyone else around. All we're focused on is ourselves, our destination. Me me me. The realisation kinda bummed me out.

But as usual, i felt the hassle was worth it. I bought the entire The Lord of the Rings books collection for a good deal at the MPH carnival and above all, at the end of the day, i am reaffirmed of all the good things a friendship holds to be true. It's always good to be reminded that two friends can remember each other despite time and space, can always cherish a good friendship, count on each other and treat the friendship with mutual, pure respect. To be reminded that the company of a friend is better than many other worldly things. "For you, a hundred times over."

I then had dinner with Andrew, Aaron and Julius. Followed by supper, joined by others. So, we were talking about how CSS would journey on from here. Honestly, i have no idea. Neither am i very worried about it. I was however, very touched when our conversation could centre on the matters of our faith and of our relationship with God. Such subtle and gentle reminders from the Almighty Father that good fruits will be borne in His own time and naught of the imagined toils will ever be in vain. I was even more overwhelmed to hear Andrew speak to Aaron about how in the end, serving in CSS is ultimately 'working for God' and that what we imagine, hope and think would be might in the end, not be. It reminds me of our own helplessness, frailty and above all, our need of Someone greater than ourselves.

There was supposed to be an eclipse tonight. I missed most of it. But this is our eclipse. Once every now and then, it would be pitch dark across our horizons..but we continue on in faith, knowing that the dark would pass, the moonbeam will continue to smile upon us and a new dawn would break.

Life as I know it

2011-12-03T00:16:00.011+08:00

So much has happened around me and at those moments in time, i found that i couldn't find the words to describe what i was feeling, what was happening and all. Perhaps everything's been too overwhelming and too big for words.

But now i feel that, not to write (more like type) everything down would somehow do myself some sort of wrong. I don't know where to start and don't know what i intend to make out of this blog post. But i just have to spill some out of this heart of mine. I've lost touch many times and questioned my own motives for sharing stories of my life (i was always afraid of coming off as being patronising or of being insensitive to others) but i've always believed that writing is somewhat therapeutic and if God wills it to be, He could touch others with this.

I'm nearing the end of yet another semester and to sum it up..i think things have been looking up a lot. I feel like i've grown much and people around me have done themselves some growing up as well. It's quite a mixed feeling.

I didn't mention it before, but i had quite a rough patch during the last semester break. The fact is, however much i tried clinging on to what i had, they slip away faster than i was prepared for. I told a friend that if i could, i'd escape from going to Blessed Sacrament, from making my appearance there. It was quite a lie i suppose. The truth is, it's not easy to "belong" to a parish you hardly go to and to try is just somewhat painful. Things and people you were familiar with suddenly felt so so distant. And by starting to embrace that things like that happen, i found it was less difficult and a little less sad. I started to recognise that, my era there is done and over with, at least for the time being. If i hadn't done my best in those three years given, there's no turning back and it's time to move past the regrets.

My life now has to be in the present and so before flying back to KL for this semester, i told myself that i must quit playing the i-miss-home-and-this-place-is-just-retarded-and-not-what-i'm-used-to game. This is my youth and i was determined to make the best out of my college life, regardless of the estrangement of this place.

And cliche as it may sound, it became true for me that by changing one's perceptions, one changes her world.

Maybe the turning point for me was during the CSS Annual Camp. Human as this may sound, i see many of the dreams i didn't know i had, coming true. In the company of people i least expected and in a place i thought i least liked.

I think i've forgotten what it's like to be my age. Heck, to have the freedom of acting my age. Maybe sometimes, playing the grown up role gets tiring, especially when deep down, i feel that i just don't have that in me.

Anyway, as part of the camp's aim and programme, we were assigned to take care of a child. With a partner or in groups of three. These children were from broken families and stayed with the Salvatorian sisters in Malacca. Most of them have never been to the beach before.

To cut the long story short, i was actually really nervous about the whole thing. I love kids, but i've never been good with them and being the only child, i knew almost nothing about their needs. I decided to let my partner take charge. But the moment the child i was assigned to, Pitrina, turned away from him and reached out for me instead, something touched my soul. It was a strange peer into my own childhood, the sadness and bitterness i cling onto. It's a sign of solidarity, of trust and above all, of acceptance. Don't get me wrong, i have a lovely family and i cannot be more thankful..but there are some things which will always haunt you.

I don't know, but that experience definitely changed me. It helped me understand better how i came to become such a mess (yes, i'm quite a mess), how so many relationships, especially the ones i cared most about, almost never seemed to work out the way i wanted them to and how i came to turn my whole life upside down.

I've also learned to love.

These are the people God gave me here. And i finally got a foretaste of what He meant when He said "Take up your cross and follow Me."
I was so pampered and indeed blessed with friendships over the years until i got here and felt that every single person i met was a challenge. I was too selfish to give room for allowance. I just had to look at the defect. The language barrier, the background, the so very foreign to me opinions, the way of dealing with things.
I thought that i was the one giving everyone chances, but no, i was the one being given a second chance.

Here, i'm taught how love, especially of that rooted in Christ, recognises no language, no culture and knows no barriers. I'm overwhelmed at how totally different souls from totally different worlds are given the chance to cross paths and find friendship and comfort in one another in this crazy world. Every single soul i've crossed paths with are beautiful and were formed by one same Creator. From the friends i've stumbled upon during my first year in the hostel, to the CSS family given to me, to weekly Rosary prayers, to Disciple class, to my classmates and house-mates. Speaking of classmates, i'm also so ever thankful that ever since i moved out to Wangsa Maju, i've grown much closer to the gang. It has made my life much more exciting and interesting, something i haven't felt in a while. There's always another world out there, which is not aware of an amazing God and i thank Him that in that world, He sent me one person, alvin who shares a similar faith. I thank Him for putting me in my class, to see things the way they see and to understand the vastness of humanity. I see better now, how i can be used here. And to be honest, it's a good feeling.

Through all that, i've also come to a great realisation. Truly, truly, there is so much more to life than my education. So much more than assignments and examinations. I see very clearly now how i used to make my studies such a big part of my life. I've always had a balance, more so than others..but today i see how even if i screwed up my studies, the world will not come to an end. Like, seriously.

And i've also come to a recognition that faith, as i know it, is so much greater. Faith is tested. Faith never falters. Faith is ever there even when i know not. Faith is holding on. Faith is letting go. It's so many things.

However, on a different note, there are of course still many things i have to overcome. It hasn't been oh-so-smooth-sailing. I hit some really low moments as well along the semester. I wish i could spend more time with Him. It's been a struggle trying to cling on to the Lord, to remember my prayers. And it wasn't doing me good. But i did what was right and i walk on.

There are also moments where i still feel very out of place. Very torn because i wanted to hold on to older things but at the same time want to break through into a new life. Above all, i miss my family sorely and i wish i could be there for them. I miss being in the choir, singing praises through Mass beside stella and having random meals with gerald. I miss reening and hannah. I miss the freedom during ASC and how ten days could translate into wonderful friendships, especially with julie. i miss my form 5 classmates dearly as well. i miss those moments of laughter, sarcasm and more.

Sometimes, i question friendships. With old friends, how do i know which to cling on to? Which would be worth it? Do efforts matter or is it like what they say, just let things find their way? At times, it makes me feel phoney. Am i trying to hard? With every relationship that glows dimmer and sometimes with each soul i lose, i feel my heart droop a little. And i suppose such questions will never have a proper answer to them but with every effort i see from others to reconnect, to reignite a beautiful old memory and to take a step if just a little, uplifts me.

I've also been feeling that my current life is drawing to a certain sort of closure. Things are ending. I'm wondering if i'd be here to continue my degree next year. There are a lot of question marks.

But i've walked long and far enough to know that my God will never abandon me and lead me astray..and will always send such angels to uplift me no matter where i'd be.

Philippians 1:3

2011-10-30T01:24:00.004+08:00

I still find myself surprised at how God works and will probably always continue to be surprised. How at one moment, i can come so close to losing my faith and the next, it becomes obvious He is so blatantly present and alongside me all the while.

I am amazed at the ways He gently prompts me back onto the right path. Yes, i often despair, often complain against the seeming silence when i desperately need an answer and often lose my patience. Yet, at the end of the day, I thank God that i am still able to find that little spot in my heart big enough for Him to work miracles so that i may remain rooted in love and faith.

After all, one could have the faith of a mustard seed and give a command to the mountain that it may move. And it only takes a spark to get a fire going.

Today, i am moved in the most unexpected way possible. Broken into smithereens then, convicted and strengthened all over again.

In a sudden blur of realisation that there are still people out there, trying to fight the good fight to the very end makes me feel less alone.

Of late, i've been so caught up in unnecessary stuff and was beginninng to feel frustrated that i have lost how it feels like to just sit in the presence of God. It seemed easier to just "settle for less". To tell myself; Relax and be complacent because no matter what you do, you can only go so far because that's what you have to offer.

Then the little and subtle reminders come pouring in. To assure me that i am not alone in what i hope for, in what i believe in and in my efforts.

I think i got bitter somewhere along the line..disappointed at how stuck i am in life and feeling left out by the entire world and people i love. Where do i belong to now??

And indeed, things have changed inevitably. People come and go; even the very nature of friendship changes shape. That hurts, especially when so little can be done about it.

So much so that i begin to believe that maybe, i'm just meant to wipe out the past, forget about what's left behind and just focus on the now so that it'd be less tiring. Which was what i did but found out that relationships do not work that way.

At the end of the day, i discover that there will remain certain people in my lifetime of whom i can count on. Some who may come and go, but are still those who will always, always remind me of who i am, who i used to be and who i want to become. People who, if only i were willing to open my heart to, would indeed come to my aid and pray for and with me. How could i have forgotten that??

I've just been too blinded and led into the selfish thinking that i can rely on nothing human. Too much focused on myself that i forget that others could be struggling silently too.

In that strange realisation that the troubles of others could POSSIBLY be larger than my own; shrewd already as mine are, i feel like i've been looking at the wrong picture all along.

In my efforts to remain as close to Christ as possible, perhaps in an almost- obsession to be near perfection that trivial things render me exasperated, could i have lost touch with those sent along my path so that we may tend to each others' wounds before we hasten on our way?

The cross of Christ, as a priest aptly depicts, is shaped as such, because that's how our lives ought to be. A cross. The vertical of it; our relationship with God. And the horizontal; our reaching out to others.

How tempting to believe that unworthiness will keep us away from the One who loves us. How convenient, actually.

Yet, as St Francis of Assisi puts it, "I have been all things unholy, if God can work through me, He can work through anyone."

And indeed so for me. May even my shame and guile be offered up and somehow bring forth goodness.

2011-09-06T00:53:00.004+08:00

At the end of the day..we discover that God still speaks if we still bothered to listen. Although faith is about trudging ahead blindly, despite falling down countless times, i am extremely glad for the rare moments the light at the end of the tunnel reaches my eyes. Just so i know that there is Someone out there and that my striving to see will not be in vain.

I am neither here nor there. But i am thankful for this very moment.
I feel like i've been more stubborn, unkind, mean and immature than i've ever been before of late. I'm thankful for that growing process and i pray that i do not lose my soul through more bumpy rides to come.

I thank God for listening and teaching me through His little (sometimes weird) ways and tonight specifically, through a friend. Thank God for that and more.

Where's my next street?

2011-08-17T14:49:00.001+08:00

Autobiography in Five Short chapters by Portia Nelson

I walk, down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. I fall in.
I'm lost... I am helpless.
It isn't my fault.
It takes forever to find a way out.

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend I don't see it. I fall in again.
I can't believe I am in the same place. But, it isn't my fault.
It still takes a long time to get out.

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I still fall in . . . It's a habit.
My eyes are open.
I know where I am.
It is my fault.
I get out immediately.

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.

I walk down another street.

July/Aug

2011-08-06T20:06:00.006+08:00

Hello walking zombies of the blogosphere.

I'm supposed to be doing revision but yeah, that can wait heh.

It's been quite an interesting month or two for me and i figured i might as well talk a little about how things have been.

So, in the beginning of July, i finally moved out of the hostel into this Metroview condominium and up til now, i have yet to take any photographs of this place to show.
It was quite an experience and initially i had my doubts. I mean, i was after all, slowly getting used to living in the hostel. However, i went with the decision (which was a year's postponement from my initial plan). In the process, i discover that when people leave, some people grow. And it touched me greatly.

Photo courtesy of Gerard

It was a crazy month. Two crazy days of scouting furniture in the midst of preparing for a week's fund raising. One crazy week of fund raising and somehow i managed to stay awake without sleep for 24 straight during the last day of fund raising. I was practically a student rushing assignment (which i screwed up) during the 12 hours of the nocturnal hours and a full time fund raiser during the day. It was a bittersweet birthday experience and honestly, i cannot recall how i even felt about piling up another digit onto my soon-to-end teenage life.

Photo courtesy of Rose

And then i sneaked back to Kuching for a weekend. People asked me what it was for and to be truly honest, i just needed that. Since when do we need a reason to be home and to be with family?? At the same time, i felt the short escape could help me rediscover my sanity, reconnect with my family, catch up with a couple of friends, say goodbye to a good friend who was leaving Kuching. I know how Kuching would be so different without him and how lost i could be without him around (funny how that happens even at home eh), but then i've had enough partings in this lifetime to teach me that true friendships aren't determined by time and space. So in my heart, i know i'd always wish the best for him.

Photo courtesy of Salina

Upon returning to KL, i was ambushed and damnit, forced into a skirt for a Passover meal. The meal was pretty significant, i only wished it were in English or that i better understood Mandarin. But i kept in mind that God works through many other things and touches the heart, not the intellect.

Photo courtesy of Julius

And then i was back kicking and struggling in daily KL life. For such a crazy kick off of the month of July, i was extremely relieved to meet up with a Kuching friend in KLCC because he is my best friend who would always make things seem lighter than they really are somehow. In the process we messed up the minds of housemates who witnessed our "reunion". They meant well and were joking, but i remain amused at how people tend to view our friendship- which is purely just that!

I was glad to close off the crazy month by celebrating the gift of friendship and sharing in the life of a friend by going all the way to St Thomas More and travelling all the way back here. (And glad to have an excuse to have lamb). It reminds me that in life, we may have grown somewhat apart, lost track of things but certain things remain always.

Photo courtesy of Julie

And well August is just as crazy. Things start to get a little different for me in class. I'm starting to get to know my other classmates better all of a sudden (we hardly spoke before this) and i'm surprised to find that i'm not too alone in my struggles here after all. In fact, i think i see a certain dim of light at the end of the tunnel and i thank God for affirming that He will indeed answer my prayers..in His own time. I do not know how far away that light is, but i know for sure that hope truly exists and i'd find my way out. I'm praying and hoping for the best. Whether or not i'd be continuing my studies here in Tar College after completing my Diploma, i'll let the Big guy up there worry and decide (pls let it be a no though). For now, i'm only concerned about my finals, which i will give my best at and then count on grace, no matter how i perform at it.

In the midst of all these things happening and people i meet, i find that i'm really trying to find myself. Sometimes, i'm even almost certain that i'm facing an identity crisis, with certain events pointing hard in that direction. Things i say and things i do varying when in the company of different people.

But to heck with everything, because i will somehow pull through in time and be who i'm made to be. Somehow, i'm beginning to discover my Saviour more and more through all these things. I'm thankful that after all these years, i'm finally making an effort to try live each simple day journeying with the knowledge that He'll never fail or leave my side. All of a sudden, i am naught but five loaves and two fish. I have nothing, know nothing but will still somehow fit into the plan of providing for others. And so be it.

if

2011-07-17T01:01:00.001+08:00

if you open yr eyes to see,
you'll catch me ever by your side,
i'm nearby.
if you choose alone to be,
i'll simply walk on by.
and if you ever changed yr mind,
you will see that i'm not so far behind..
because i never intended to say goodbye.

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Morning

2011-07-16T09:22:00.003+08:00

I could live like this. Wake up early in the morning and walk in the morning breeze. Then go to Mass and after Mass, have breakfast. Go home and after some silence, tune to all the jazzish music.

Give a lil heart and soul.

Thank God for moments like these.

Firsts

2011-07-15T00:06:00.003+08:00

This semester has been a crazy one for me and it's full of firsts.

My first screwed up assignment. My first organising a last minute fund raising. My first time staying up for almost 24 hours because of an assignment. First time moving into a condominium. First time touring the entire area, searching for furniture. First time i actually ran in college to hand in my assignment on time. First time i feel threatened by my studies. First time i got this sick out here, twice in two weeks. First time i lose myself this far..First, first, first.

Amidst all those firsts..there are better firsts which brought me through. First time i sit down in quiet every night and morning to pray. First time nothing is within my control and so only God is. First time i feel so so clueless and cling on tightly to God's promises because what else do i have? First time i really have no idea who i am anymore, who i wanna become and what i wanna do. First time before turning to anyone else, i turn to Him. First time i fall almost instantly asleep every night. First in ages that i do not look at my own unworthiness but focus on His beauty and grace.

First time i feel this terrible and so very scared but i look forwards to a better tomorrow. It will come. It has to.

Hearts

2011-05-30T17:54:00.004+08:00

The loneliest moment isn't when you're physically alone..it's when you are surrounded by people and happenings yet still feel the emptiness tugging at your heart. And if that weren't terrible enough, a different emptiness known as helplessness tops it.

I could be wired wrongly but that's just how i feel.

Over the years, i've learnt to hide and ignore that. I try not to show my feelings, especially when it's not a good one. I do not want to be labelled "sensitive". And i've done it so cautiously, even without realising it.

In my world, to cry is being weak, to complain is being pathetic, to whine is just unacceptable and touchy feely stuff are just cheesy. That's just how i was brought up. And so i was an opportunity- seizing person, full of energy and confidence and spontaneous. To me, that was the only way to stay on top. Or afloat. There is no such thing as being helpless. That's the impression i still project to others at times.

But it gets harder and harder day by day. Maybe there's only so much a heart can contain. And i begin to wonder if that's the reason why i get broken up.

Of late, so little is needed to make me tear up. So little is needed to make me feel as though my heart and soul weigh a tonne. Little little things trigger me. Sometimes i detest it. I want my old self back.

I read an almost innocent comment by a friend two days ago on Facebook..and that one sentence of hers just crushed me. To me, it sums up all the things which aren't within my power to solve. All the people and friendships i've lost, heartaches i've witnessed, the brokenness i've seen in people's eyes, the walls people have built..sometimes against me. That feeling of being unable to do anything about it overwhelms.

It is scary. It is scary to care so much about another human person. Scarier when you know it might be unrequited. And scarier still that she will never know you did small things for her in secret in fear of showing that you care outright. Worst of all, you do not want to acknowledge that you could care and love a friend that much.

Yesterday, we read part of 1Kings 18 where Elijah fled and meets God on Mount Horeb. I feel like Elijah; tired of caring, worn out and wondering if i were the only one left. I just want to sit and rest under a tree.

But God won't allow that, He provides me with food and water. "Get up," He says. But i do not want to. I just want to sit there. So badly.

"Eat otherwise the journey will be too long for you." I wondered how that's supposed to be consolation to me.

That's when someone said that, if we don't move from the tree..maybe it'll just wither up and your shade will be gone and that's where you'll die. I don't want to die that way. The only way to go is forwards.

Fr Rudy Wong said that to seek refuge, it's not to the church we run to but to our heart. The thing is, how do i do that exactly? But i have hope that maybe i will meet my God on the mountain..and recognise Him in the sound of sheer silence.

For now, i just have to get up. "If it's His will that we suffer anyway, let us then suffer for doing the right thing."

I must go on caring and loving, however imperfect it will be.

Remember the time

2011-05-13T01:06:00.000+08:00

Remember the time
you walked down the road
only to look over your shoulders
to see that no one was following?
Someone, though barely visible
was journeying by your side
as your emotions you tried to hide.

Remember the time
promises, both vocal and not
were being made to you
of great strength and great things
only to be proved empty dreams?
Someone, though barely visible
was whispering promises
in your ear, which will forever be.

Remember the time
you thought all was good
and that all meant well
only to have that
proven as a sick illusion to you?
Someone, though barely visible
walked miles and stretched arms
to show that Goodness doesn't fail.

Remember the time
by words and deeds
how i vowed to be unchanging
and just as you were about to trust
i pulled back in fear
and left you aghast?
Someone, though barely visible
unlike i; was, is and will always be
your companion immovable.

Above all
remember the time, however momentary,
where leaves were indeed green,
flowers began budding,
sun never ceased to shine
and no one was to you cold?
Someone, though barely visible
is there too
and proves to ever be there for you.

I'm sorry how some things turn out to be and wish i could've done something to make things different. But i'm glad that's how we all find God; finding Him in disappointments.

And since we're an Easter people, we'll rise above all those and show the world that we have a Saviour greater than the gravest of things.

Life as it is

2011-05-10T17:37:00.004+08:00

So, i've begun my Year 2. Oh by the way, i kick start it by attending a non- existent lecture because i almost never check the group page on facebook. I mean, who posts important news like that on facebook anyway???! In Sheldon Cooper's words, Oh globalisation, thou art a heartless bitch.

On a different note, it feels strange. In some ways, it's seriously crazy how time flies. In some other ways, it's damn slow and it just makes me wanna cry. Anyway, a few trips back and forth and i'm still not used to leaving home. But this time around, i refuse to let myself wallow in that. I'm here in KL and i'm gonna live this life. I cannot allow myself to just be a ghost of a shadow with neither a life here nor there. So, it's time to move along.

But moving along isn't as easy as i think it'd be. I win world's most unadaptive creature title:D However, i'm doing much better this time. As John Denver sang, even if you lose yourself and don't know what to do, the memory of love will see you through.

That's what happens to me a lot here. Losing myself. I say things i don't normally say, i do things i don't normally do. Worst of all, i don't do things i usually do. And the realisation of that only hits me in the face everytime i go home. But I think my last semester break being home helped a lot. For some reason, i began to acknowledge my weaknesses. I acknowledged my feelings. I acknowledged that i don't want to come back to KL. I began begging in my prayers. I began to question. Actually, it was like throwing a childish tantrum at God, hah. And after all that tantrum throwing..just like a child, i just embrace that i cannot have things my way. It's as though, if after all that, i still have to leave, it must have to happen then.

In addition, i began to discover more about myself. For a long time, i have wondered if my reasons of sticking around in the name of "service" in church have been for selfish reasons. Because the only reason i'm still around is because i feel like i cannot just ditch the people there, just like that. Particularly if the person were the instrument used to bring me back onto the right path. The living proof of God calling and being very much real for me. And particularly so if i notice the struggles people go through in that very parish i love so much. So, i wondered if i was only serving because of that reason. I wondered if it were wrong. I wondered if it had anything to do with pride. As if things would become undone and dysfunctional if i weren't there.
Hasn't it always been said that we serve God and God alone?
So i actually tried giving up, but it never happened. All it took was a single text message to make me understand that even being this far from home, i cannot just leave in that sense. A single text message in the middle of the night seeking very practical help. I cannot just not care.
I'm amazed at how someone i know could do it. How he just left everything behind and disappeared. Without a word. I wanted to follow that track. And i realised how dumb that was. How that could hurt others. It was his road to take, but not mine. At least not for now and at least not without any closure. When i was talking to a friend over breakfast about what i felt, it suddenly dawned onto me that maybe this is exactly what i was called for. Simply to accompany. All this while, i have bombastic dreams. I want to see the youth prosper, i want to see multitudes of people, i want to see unity, i want to see great things happening. I want to be part of that. It seemed like the thing one should do to serve God and God alone, to offer herself as an instrument to allow such miracles to happen. But suddenly, i realised that maybe i was looking at the wrong mountains all along. These aren't mine to climb. We're not supposed to serve God and God alone..we're supposed to serve God and His people.

Maybe i was simply called to be a friend. To accompany. To support and to always always be there. And all along, that was just what i want to be. I just didn't know it. Yesterday, i stumbled upon an online article that God calls us to things we are passionate about. This is what i am passionate about. Friendship. Human relationships. Maybe i'm not the best person or company you can have but while you're looking for one, i want to be there for the heartaches. And in the end, isn't it all part of serving God and people? On a more personal level?

Besides that, i've also been praying for the grace and strength to forgive. At times, it is a curse to know something extra which others do not. For a long, long time, i've pondered on the terrible terrible deeds a friend has done. Not only to me, but to others whom i cared most about. And for that, i found that i could no longer call him a friend. That was fine. But that resentment grew and i began to struggle with hatred. That is probably why little little forms of injustice and gossips tick me off. I found myself resenting him and the reflections of his deeds in others. I was angry that nobody else knows. Realising that, i asked for the grace to forgive. And to be very honest, i'm still on the way. But i was overwhelmed because not only did grace arrive, but suddenly there's a reason for me to forgive. A reason. And that makes things look less ugly than they were before. Maybe someday, i'd get over it.

So that's about it and this is life as it is at the moment. Nothing extraordinary, nothing huge. Just my life as it is. On a different level, i'm quite nervous about CSS Freshies Night next week. I have to lead the sing- along. It isn't exactly my forte and in all honesty i don't feel mentally prepared, but what has to come will come. What is our own strength anyway?

Lectures are so far so good and i'm looking forward to French class to begin next week. Looking forward to badminton. Looking forward to meeting freshmen in CSS. Looking forward to know everyone else better. Looking forward to meeting up and train rides. Looking forward to great things to come. And then looking forward to being home again! To life as it should be.

When you thought i wasn't looking

2011-05-09T09:00:00.004+08:00

by Mary Rita Schilke Korzan

When you thought I wasn’t looking
You hung my first painting on the refrigerator
And I wanted to paint another.

When you thought I wasn’t looking
You fed a stray cat
And I thought it was good to be kind to animals.

When you thought I wasn’t looking
You baked a birthday cake just for me
And I knew that little things were special things.

When you thought I wasn’t looking
You said a prayer
And I believed there was a God that I could always talk to.

When you thought I wasn’t looking
You kissed me good-night
And I felt loved.

When you thought I wasn’t looking
I saw tears come from your eyes
And I learned that sometimes things hurt—
But that it’s alright to cry.

When you thought I wasn’t looking
You smiled
And it made me want to look that pretty too.

When you thought I wasn’t looking
You cared
And I wanted to be everything I could be.

When you thought I wasn’t looking—
I looked . . .
And wanted to say thanks
For all those things you did
When you thought I wasn’t looking.

I chanced upon this poem while i was on Poelo Coelho's blog and it reminds me of a few people in my life i love. Have you ever watched a loved one do something and suddenly everything seems to happen in slow motion and you feel overwhelmed by all kinds of emotions all at once?

Because i have.
I've watched the intent in my grandmother in doing things she has set her mind to. It gives me that same drive.
I've watched the joy in my aunt's face as she looks up to the sky, sits on a swing, talk to children and so much more. It has taught me to love her and all the things she love.
I've watched as my parents try and try to swallow their pride. It wrecks me and reminds me of what humility is like.
I've watched a special friend make every move with silent resilience. It tells me to do the same and i'm amazed at how i can see myself so closely in another person.
I've watched the look of acceptance of a friend. It tells me that no matter what i become and do, it doesn't change who i am.
I've watched the look of appreciation, the grimace of disappointment, the joy of being accepted and so much more.

They happen so suddenly most of the time and so briefly. But these are the moments they thought i weren't looking and here's to these sort of moments, which reminds us to just keep carrying on.

Break

2011-05-07T12:46:00.003+08:00

It breaks me ever to see your cracks,
having been broken and broken before.
All along i didn't know that what i lacked
is the courage to just
knock open the door to which i already know.

It makes me wonder
if i could've done different
to cushion what have been erred
and to question the apparent.

Yet it is not for me to doubt
why these angles collected unfold this dimension
or why we chose to be down and out
and breathe not a word of mention.

It is already what it is
with time but just a rolling season
it breaks me to see this feast
of the past left to vultures bygone.

But i am reminded that as
you break, i break and we break,
Someone is truly broken for us
so that perhaps our pieces
a single piece they will one faraway day make.

And then this morning a friend helped me realise that there may be a different angle to look at things as we were talking about callings and ministries. I never really considered it before but it kind of makes sense. Ministry of accompaniment, he called it. Perhaps.

Family

2011-05-01T00:41:00.004+08:00

I've had a couple of sleepless nights. Tonight is one. Lately, i've been feeling the other writer side of me pleading to be heard; the one that speaks less in riddles, who is confident with what she has to say and less afraid of misleading others and of what others might think.

So i decided, for once, why not speak directly? Thus here i am typing away and i wanna try put these muddled thoughts of mine in words.

I need to speak my piece of mind on family. Touchy feely subject. One we avoid but is actually what we critically need to speak of. So many problems and so many solutions spring from the closest people in our lives, whether we like it or not; our families.

Here is what i want to share; what i've experienced, observed and felt.

Three years ago, i started going back to church and despite all sorts of circumstances, my love for God and for the Holy Church grew.

In retrospect, i had failed to realise a danger then.

I was like a child, discovering that the world had so many things to offer. In a messed up world, suddenly i came to know a God who is all goodness and who is ever perfect.

What happened? I threw myself into that.
Now, don't get me wrong. There is nothing more beautiful, important and comforting than to fall into the arms of a loving Father in Heaven.

What i did not realise is that, whilst i gave all my energy, thoughts and time to being as involved as possible in church, little did i realise that i was pushing away more and more the greatest gift God could give a person; family. And community. People i cared about.

I think it's a form of escape, to run to Perfection, to avoid all imperfections life had to offer. All i wanted to do was live in that secret hide-out.

Then, along the way, as i came to a certain point in my life, it suddenly hit me right in the face that in my discovery of a Perfect God, i must come to terms with the imperfections in the family and community life He wants me to have. My journey towards perfection cannot be travelled alone. It should not be. How crazy it was to have preferred being all alone all the time.

It has to echo the words Fr. once spoke, "our relationship cannot just be vertical, but also horizontal."

We all have our own ideas of how a family should be. I know i do. There are still days where i find myself wishing that my family were like this, or like that.

But that all matters not. Being home, it breaks my heart whenever i catch a glimpse or a flicker or pain in the eyes of some people. It makes me wonder if i were the only one who saw it. It makes me wonder if i had imagined that being there. It makes me wonder if it were a gift or curse. It makes me wonder how we can sometimes be so good at seeing that in the eyes of strangers but how we are most blinded when we look into the eyes of those closest to us.

What unreasonable expectations we sometimes throw onto the backs of our loved ones in belief that we are doing them good. How we form in the back of our minds what each and every member is supposed to be.

Parents, it's time to see that you're driving kids up the wall. Let children be children.
And children, it's time to see that whatever insane ways your parents enforce upon you, perhaps that is the only way they know how to love..

I'm sorry
should my words have sliced your soul
Or my deeds too bold and cold.

I'm sorry
that i cannot let go
Sorry if i'd failed to learn
not to give up on you so.

I'm sorry
if i were here when i should
and there when i shouldn't.

I'm sorry
if my tears were disturbance to you
Or my laughter somewhat out of tune.

I'm sorry i may love wrong
or sorry
that i may have loved selfishly.

I'm sorry
that these imperfections
are the only ways i know
to love and show i care about you
very much so.

It's crazy.

I do not know if this speaks for others or if it were just me.
But on this Feast Day of Divine Mercy, let us just bear in mind that we're loved for who we are (though who i am sometimes i do not know) and who we love. And not at all what we accomplished or failed to do.

We're Gonna

2011-04-08T12:13:00.006+08:00

This came to me very randomly. If i ever had to write a song for the most passionate person i've come to know in my life when it comes to music, the lyrics will probably go something like this..As for the music, you'll have to use your own imagination:)

In my world
there is only grey
In my world
really, i don't give a care
to what they say.

Since you looked into my shame
you've made light of them
When i could crawl no more
You made me see that
it's all a game,
there'll be gain to pain.

We're gonna show the world
what seems to them impossible
We're gonna show the world
what they deem irrational.

I've fallen into grime
and nothing's in place
While you stood your ground, told me
if i'd just turn my face up
i'd see that there's a man
waiting on me.

You're my partner in crime
in this journey yours and mine,
You're the beacon of one kind
in corners nowhere else to find.

So we're gonna show the world
what seems to them impossible
We're gonna show the world
what they deem irrational.

We're the living proof
to which man is aloof
We're the screaming voice
to tell 'em there's a choice.
I'm so glad it's gonna be
you and me
you and me.

So we're gonna show the world
what seems to them impossible
We're gonna show the world
what they deem irrational.

This is to the best guy i've ever known. Ever since i got here, a boy and a girl being friends have become such a controversial thing. The mindset here is so different and i feel that it's what everyone here is headed to. Ever since i came here, i've found out that a boy asking a girl out for a meal can mean something more. A boy and a girl being found in each other's company only can spark up scandals. A boy has to think twice when a girl asks him to accompany her somewhere. A relationship can simply mean a boy starts being extremely nice to a girl and the girl should be glad, thus accept him.

But world, here's what i have to say to you. Your thinking sucks. Yes, relationships can be important but true friendships still persist. Because my best friends in the world are made up of boys and girls.

And here's to one in particular.

In this crazy crazy world when i'm down and out, there's a certain friend who tells me to screw the world and live my life because that's what we're here for. In this crazy crazy world, he's the one who makes it a little bit more real. In this crazy crazy world in which i have fallen to darkness, he tells me that it doesn't matter, just get up and keep walking, even if i have to fall again. In this crazy crazy world, everything will change but he and i will be the same. In this crazy crazy world, he's got to be my friend for life.

Kehannahan

2011-04-07T20:15:00.000+08:00

There is cause for celebration, hah.

HANNAH IS COMING OVER TO TAR COLLEGE NEXT SEMESTER!!!

Excited excited excited.

Okay bye bye.

It is Like...

2011-04-04T23:53:00.000+08:00

It is like
a rope to the top,
I watch from the foot,
And for a long while
tell myself i cannot make this climb.

Then suddenly, i feel
the roughness of the rope
and up and up i climb
my eyes so fixed on the drawing pinnacle.
As i am nearing
i slip from all the grime
bruised and scathed
spirit broken
as i find myself falling
not for the first time.

And then
It is like
assembling a puzzle
piece by piece, little by little.

The picture perfect comes to sight
with all but the last piece
left to fit
yet that is precisely when i discover
that the piece i cannot find
and thus gone is the blood shed
gone is the time.

And then
It is like
building a house
i dig the deepest of foundations
i lay with great patience each brick
to fashion the house i deem is mine.
the walls are painted
the colours divine
the doors affixed
the windows tinted.

And that is when the cruel wind
decides to blow it down
and to hell with the foundations
to hell each minute of patience.

It is like...
I don't anymore know what it is like.
All i know is i am it
and humiliation is mine.
How do i begin again the climb,
How do i find another piece
in this lifetime
How do i build a house
which i can call mine?

And I ask you today,
Why me,
Why is this mine alone to bear
Why this of all strife?
Why why why?

Have you ever made the mistake of falling and rolling in mud, then washed yourself clean only to fall into another mud pit? How many times can one fall and how many times til he stops climbing up to his feet and walk on?

Some Happy Shit

2011-04-02T12:55:00.003+08:00

I think it's probably time to post some happy stuff here. I feel like i've been drowning this place with musings only. So i woke up this morning and in the shower, i decided to stop floating on air for a moment and touch the ground. I thought of things i have to be grateful for right here and right now. In no particular order;

1. Nature. Ironic as it may seem, since this is KL we are talking about, Tar College is actually very green. I love how i can just go down my block, sit on the bench and enjoy the breeze which comes quite occasionally.

2. People. I know how i always talk about my family and friends at home. I miss them sorely. However, i have been pleasantly surprised at the friendliness of people here. I mean, this is the big city after all. Despite differences, especially in terms of language and mindsets, i must admit that i don't have much to complain about here. Naturally it's more difficult to forge close friendships in a new place (yes, i know it's been almost a year here but nonetheless) but so far, i've been very much accepted and respected here. From my classmates to roommate to hostel mates to very recently CSS members, who have made me feel much warmth and at home. Their humility and willingness to accept changes touch me.

3. Dreams. In an unexpected way, the way i have never imagined before, i find the unutterable dreams i have for BSC being fulfilled here. I can't really explain it. It's more of a feeling and how things fall into place with CSS in a right way. Of course, it is not quite the same as what i had in mind. But in life, what is?

4. Friends. They say that you make your life- long friends in school. It hasn't been an easy year. I'm so so glad that even as i enter college, we do not lose touch. And there are the people i know i can always bug. Perhaps with a text message which is filled with nonsense. Or just a gesture to keep in touch and say i think about you. A friend i can call when i need to. A friend who will not judge. A friend who will just ask how everything is once in a while. A friend who will text just to annoy me. And more. You guys are the best.

5. Gym. I started going to the gym, though not very regularly. It's cheap since it's in the college. Something i never had the chance to do so before and i must say that it is quite rewarding.

6. Activities. I've been keeping myself busy. I got back to the routine of hostel prayers twice a week. Recently i enrolled myself in a Discipleship class and it's crazy. It's held in Mandarin. LOL. I'm not sure what has gotten to me. But it's no harm learning more about God's Word and learning another language eh? (I also caught myself watching a few episodes of Korean drama. Wth is happening to me?) There are also the upcoming CSS activities i'm looking forward to.

7. Family. I think my family plays a major part in what keeps me going. It is sad that physical space separates us. But in a weird way, it is what keeps me going and strengthens me. The thought that i will be going home. The thought that i will be seeing them soon and everything is going to be fine. The thought that they gave everything up for me to be here. The fact that for my future, they give up the time they can see me at home. Home is what awaits.

8. Decent education. Not everyone has the chance to be educated. And that in itself, is something to be grateful for already.

9. Transportation. This probably sounds ridiculous. Because everyone knows KL is a sickeningly packed city and really, transportation is a daily problem. For a Kuching-nite so pampered with the luxuries of a car and the lack of long queues, it should be annoying to use public transport in KL. But heck, it is the long awaited buses and trains that can still connect people when they have to. One day i'm going to look back at this and when i see a train i'm not going to remember how long i waited for it, but i'm going to remember that it took me to KL Sentral. To meet my friend. And it took us to KLCC. Where we got chased out by the security guard. For playing the guitar and singing in front.
And i'm also thankful for the random car rides i've had the chance to sit in. I really appreciate car rides ever since i came here.

10. Above all, the Big Guy Up There. For those who are skeptical about the existence of God, it is alright. Sometimes, we think that this belief is a choice. To me, it isn't. It is a privilege. I am privileged to be able to believe in an ever- loving God despite how my scientific brain tells me that is utter rubbish. A privilege to know that no matter how i fall, it does not matter. Someone out there understands and will never condemn me. And i wanna thank those who have reminded me this time and again..sometimes without knowing it.

All's well that ends well

2011-03-25T21:28:00.005+08:00

I’ve had quite a lot to think of the past week. There was the soft raindrops pummeling through the entire day at the beginning of the week. I loved it. I’ve always loved the rain. There’s something to it. Perhaps it was how i was taught to. But there’s something about the way it falls down to the earth, how the leaves catch them, how they catch the Sun's reflection and how they seep gracefully into the earth. There’s something about looking up into to sky and feeling as though the raindrops fell from the heavens. Something about how the celestial droplets connect God and man in such an invisible way. Quite literally. Something about how you can touch, see, smell, hear, taste and feel the raindrops in your soul. All at the same time. It reminds me of many many things.

I've also learned this Lenten season that it's important to verbalise. It can set one free. And it has set me free in a certain aspect. To say something out, means to fully accept it and let it go. Suddenly, it becomes quite clear to me that there are some things i should have verbalised, things i should have asked but did not.
I've never thought of it that way before. Ive always thought that keeping quiet is the right virtue, whatever the circumstance.
I guess, the other thing i love is words. I love how words can be strung together, i love the ring to some words. I love how words make me feel. I love how i see certain words and know that only i know what they mean to me in a way no one else understands. I've learned to recognise promptings of the spirit in words. Like rain, there is also something about how words can connect two souls. In a strange way, even the absence or the lack of necessity of words mean a million things.
Words fill my soul, my heart and my mind. They are forms of wonder, question, awe. Sometimes, even hurtful words which keep replaying like a broken tape.
That's where i cannot contain the enormity of words. I cannot convert some things into verbal words. Some events. Some wonder. Some anger. Some uncertainty. Some disbelief. And many many questions.
And that's where i crash and burn. I realised that there has always been a part of me dying to say some things to some people but i've just always shoved that feeling away, because it's simply more convenient that it remains this way. Perhaps, one day i will finally say it all out.

Vague words aside, i've also realised another thing. I can be such a hypocrite.
On one horizon are my noble and high dreams of reaching out to others. When i think of the word "ministry" my mind goes to the poor, the socially awkward, people who have their own eccentric views or anyone visibly suffering to me. Most of the time, i feel called to help those who suffer in their subtle ways, who are struggling quietly mentally and emotionally. I want to make it a better place for many many people. And have always failed.
On the horizon of reality, i do not make my stand. It seems to me like my yearning to help others is selective. It's as though i would not think twice to help people i have grown fond of, but would probably not do the same for others. Maybe it's even circumstantial or biased. It is more difficult to be nice here than it was in kuching.
I stand idly by as some struggle to be heard. I allow myself to participate in idle talk of people, of the way they are and the way they choose to lead their lives. I curse them. Instead of doing something to change anything. I let myself be angry at injustice. But what do i do about it? I merely spit in its face. I say nothing. I do nothing to change anything.
Ultimately, i'm not sure how i can change that of myself.

And on a random note, i woke up to a strange dream this morning which i wish were real.

Anyway, despite being disappointed in myself, others and some happenings, i would say that it has been a good week. After all, the recognition of the bad is the start of good deeds isn't it?
Like many times before, i feel myself searching again. Longing to feel the way i did before...Dekat padaMu, itu rinduku.

Alone?

2011-03-18T09:28:00.004+08:00

A friend was texting me last night and at a certain point, i suddenly realised something.

What is the tipping point of this human race? How has the world grown to become more and more disastrous?

It begins when people begin to be convinced that they are truly alone. It is so easy to believe so.

When we fall to the belief that we are fighting in a fight fought alone by ourselves, here's what happens.

We believe that others are not struggling as well and if they are, how can their fight be more brutal than mine? Impossible.

We begin to believe that nobody shares our weaknesses and so we hide them and would do anything to cover them up.

We believe that nobody else harbours secrets.

We believe that we alone feel the things we feel.

And this is when we begin to become selfish.

Adam blames Eve, Eve blames the serpent.

This is what we begin to think:

I'm tired. I'm the one who deserves help.

What are the problems of others compared to mine? They have everything but still aren't satisfied.

If nobody's going to notice that i'm yelling so loudly here, that's fine. Don't expect me to reach out for you when you yell.

Who am i? I can't even help myself. How can i help you?

I'm good for nothing.

And that is when everything falls apart. Everyone begins to act that way and in the end..everyone simpy perishes. I believe that change begins from within. If you need people, first be a support to others. Otherwise who will be the first to break the cycle?

As a certain song goes, "If not you, nor I...then no one. If we don't, then nobody will. If not you, nor I...then someone's cry will be lost."

How very true. Just because there are some of us who do not show it, doesn't mean that the things we go through are any lesser or any greater than yours. We just choose to look pass these things because there is more to life. More to life than what we think we feel. More to life than what we think we suffer.

So so much to life.

And i wish i could show and prove that to you. The deep conviction in my heart. But i have tried and tried. And it is so tempting to think like the way you do; that i'm alone in this fight. That i'm fighting and fighting but you do not hear me.

But i will not succumb to that. There is still much goodness and beauty in this life.

What can i do to show that to you?
I have begun to accept and learnt that my words alone are insufficient.

I may fall. But i will never give up.

Perhaps, one day it'll transcend beyond words.

Accusation

2011-03-16T20:27:00.004+08:00

Today is one of the weird days of my life.

I learned a bit about something. Accusation.

Two nights ago, i was eating downstairs in the hostel cafeteria. My roommate saw me and since she was going out, passed me her purse and asked me to bring it up to the room for her when i was done.

Normally, i would not have agreed to such a request. But normally, i would not have lost things which aren't mine.

And so, somehow i lost her purse. And it was gone and taken.

Police report etc.

Then she was annoyed because apparently, after reporting to the guards, we found out that this is quite a normal case in the hostel. Yet, nothing much is being done. She felt that it was incredulous because well...the hostel is supposed to be a second home. And who the heck watches out for thieves in their own homes while having dinner?

Anyway, she went to the management to complain and they thought that it must have had something to do with me. I don't blame them, i guess. It's a strange story in itself.

So, today i went to see them. I was actually quite nervous, afraid that i might break down because i was never good at taking accusations. So i whispered a little prayer that my answer may be of truth and may be words of wisdom.

There were two of them and they asked me polite questions which i answered to the best i could. Then, the third officer walked in on us from her room and they told her that i was "that girl's friend whom the purse was passed to".

She was about to leave but upon hearing that, she stopped at the door, turned to stare at me for a long time. I returned her stare. Then she exchanged looks with the other two.

I have never looked accusation in the eye before. Of course, i know that i have been accused for various things before; some even comical. But to have a stranger look at me, eyes filled with accusation and disbelief..now that was something. I felt a bit angry, to be honest. And then i realised that my anger had something to do with self- righteousness. I felt that i have always upheld integrity a tad bit more than others around me. How could anyone think that i'd steal? I would never stoop that low. That of course..is bullocks. I'm just a normal, imperfect person like everybody else.
I guess that kind of feeling and thought in itself, was selfish of me.

But then, i realised that there are others who have been wrongly accused and suffered for it. And with certainty, i know that there is in fact Someone who is perfect righteousness and the accusations He faced were way way greater.

And i wondered...

How did He do it? How did He keep His cool?

And above all, how does one love his accusers and return their looks of piercing judgment with a look of grace and mercy?

Lent Begins.

2011-03-08T17:23:00.004+08:00

Tomorrow, Lent begins.

I'm going to try to abstain from the internet as much as i can. Some things are personal. But one thing i'll try is to be off facebook. Because that's where most of my time is spent on.

Maybe spend more time in prayer and silence because those are what i lack yet need most at the moment. Be more in touch with real people. With family. With friends. With nature. I miss the comforts of kuching, where there is room for silence, even in a crazy home.

In a weird, maybe even perverted way, i'm hoping that abstinence will redeem me.
But it does, doesn't it? Because i need grace badly. Don't we all..

It isn't that there are no other ways of redemption, don't get me wrong. As if only these 40 days in a year can help any of us. But somehow, to have an aim..a time-frame..gives a certain sort of drive.

I want to start all over again.

And to start all over again, the old self has to die. And so i'll give up what i can. To die so that i can live again. God help me.

At the end of these forty days, i want to come out of it alive. 40 days in the desert. Then meet my angels. Who will guide and strengthen me.

In this period of time, i will try to write down what i go through. And perhaps, if appropriate, i'd post it here.

And if God should allow me to fall again..i guess He wants me to learn to climb up again. and again and again if i must.

Please journey with me. And with Him. And help me along the way. And do share with me your feelings, experiences and thoughts. Because i don't think i can do it alone. Nobody can.

You don't have to be a Catholic. Everyone has attachments and who knows if you free yourselves from that, you might find some sort of release from this busy busy world.

A Blessed Lenten season to you.

Ramblings

2011-03-01T18:49:00.003+08:00

I can't figure out to whom i can tell this to. To whom i can pour out how i feel. Because i do not quite know myself. And so i have resorted to expressing myself here in this dusty corner of the cyber world. How jaded.

This semester is a short one. It's good in the sense that the shorter it is, the faster i can go home. But i find myself struggling because i might have made a mistake. I planned quite carefully for each day of my life here to be laden with things to do or with deadlines. In hopes of making time pass by faster. Which works, mind you. But in the midst of that all, i struggle to keep afloat. I avoid time where i would be alone with just me, myself and i. So when i'm doing nothing, i go out for a drink at the mamak. Or i spend my time being online. Or reading a book. Anything.

Then there's that part of me which is so very afraid because i feel that i didn't do well for the last semester. It is something quite new. My friend said, "it's about time." I don't usually feel this way during secondary school days. The results wasn't superb but in all honesty i actually did fine. But i don't feel fine. Which makes me wonder if i'm wired wrongly. I should be feeling contentment. But i don't. Maybe i feel like i didn't work hard enough for it, which is pretty true. Then again, it is materialistic, is it not?? And among so many things in life, how can i put my studies in the highest pedestal?

There are gonna be two tests this week. And here i am, wallowing myself in this.

Then there are things in college bothering me. I don't like gossip but lately, i've found myself victim to it. Even started the ball rolling. And i justify myself. Everyone needs channels to express themselves and i'm not saying anything false. But gossip is gossip. And i hate that i'm tempted to live with it.

Then, backfiring my entire plan, even amidst being busy, i still find that i think about home as much. I think about the people. I think about the different clusters of friends i have and how during chinese new year, a realisation shook me so hard. I don't know who i am. They say that, to know a person, look at the friends they keep. I feel like i'm neither here nor there in that. I have all sort of friends and i am different when responding to different groups of people. They are seeds of friendships i sowed at different stages of my life. But in the end, i do not know where i truly stand and if there is such a thing as maintaining all friendships regardless of race, religion and background. It sounds too idealistic. I love them all, but could striving to keep each friendship just destroy them in the end and ultimately, destroy myself? In the end, i couldn't find the guts to ask any of them if i were being selfish and pretentious.

I ask vague questions or give vague hints occasionally, in hopes that someone i can trust will come along and ask me what's wrong. Like today. How pathetic is that. But there is no response because that just happens in the movies. Besides, if someone did ask, what am i to say? I myself do not know?

Instead of consolation, i find myself plagued into the past where i was confused. There were a lot of gossips. There were a lot of backstabbing and it seemed that nobody took notice nor cared. And so i remained silent. I wanted to reach out and say, I believe and trust you. I never gave up on you, and i still have not. But nobody made any clarification and i did not ask. I wanted to tell what i thought but will my opinions matter? I wanted to keep things together, to keep everybody together. But that was never meant to happen. I wanted to see things patched up again, to see the ministry i love grow again, to see my friend lay down trust again. But that seems a light year away.

I try my best, but here God seems far far away. Yet again, He throws me such strong signs at times that i can only break down and remain convicted. But He throws me no company. And i wonder if it were wrong to pray that somebody will come along and walk this journey with me? Most of the time, i wish it were someone from home. It is humane to need a human being. But isn't Christ all we really need? And don't people say that we are never truly alone?

Today, St Peter says to Jesus; We have given up everything to follow you.

I feel like i've given up many things. The only difference is i'm not sure if i'm doing that to follow Him. I've given up home, i've given up on people, i've given up time, i've given up comfort and friends, given up..
But somewhere i'm still holding on. And i don't know if that's for better or for worse. And i don't know how long it's gonna take.

If

2011-02-07T16:24:00.002+08:00

If you keep walking while looking over your shoulders, you're bound to knock into something..hard.

If you try so hard retaining things in their initial shapes, everything will just overflow and you'll realise you have nothing.

If you clench sand in your fist, it'll just slip right through your fingers.

If you pour old wine into new wineskin, the wineskin bursts.

If you pull too hard at rubber, it loses its elasticity.

If you press hard on paper, it tears.

If you split your soul into so many bits and pieces, you will never make it whole again.

If you keep tracing back steps you have trodden before, you go nowhere furthur.

These are all written in nature. How could've failed to learn it?:(

Of Closing Cycles

2010-12-31T13:47:00.002+08:00

I've just gone through some blogs and facebook posts of others. I get a weird feeling from it. A bubbly warm kind of feeling which seems to emanate from the heart.

The feeling makes me feel less alone and less afraid. It tells me that there are people in the world who have walked this path before me. There are people, some of whom i even know, who are walking the same path this very moment.

I read and found out how changes and goodbyes scare people. Even those who have grown so accustomed to it. How it is so very honestly difficult and sometimes you just need a moment by yourself and to maybe cry it out. Just admitting it eases off some of the weight of it all.

And yes, there may be those who can take it better than others. There are some who might not even understand why we are swaying in between the present and memories in the past.

I've been more blessed than most, i know. In the span of 7 months, i've gone home four times. And with every return, i ask myself when i would stop tearing up with each departure. I ask myself when it would become more of a norm, like how it is with most of the other family members who are no longer around. How they can live their own lives elsewhere.

But today, reading the stories of others and remembering what some people go through, i realise that maybe i don't need to be like anyone else. I have nothing to prove.

My cousin Aaron recently graduated and when i was home watching the ceremony photos on CD, i suddenly recalled my purpose. I have a dream. And though i have been very confused about it, i see much clearly now. I did choose this path myself and i pray it be the right one. Four years into the future, what i want is to see my family by my side, all happy and proud of me.

And everything else, whether it's a dream come true or not.. well it's just a risk i have to take isn't it?

I miss home, i miss my family, i miss my friends. I went home and felt so changed. Maybe i was trying too hard to bridge the gaps distance has built. And it scared me.

But maybe that isn't a bad thing at all. It's probably a good thing, a very good thing. Because if i didn't, how will we know that we actually care?:))

So i decided that i don't have to be like anybody else. So- called strong or optimistic about the changes and the future. If four years down the road and i still feel strongly about being away from home, so be it. The best is yet to come.

And tomorrow will be a better day.

Repercussions

2010-12-19T11:01:00.003+08:00

It's been a few years.

And for those few years, around this time of the year, i face the same questions. The same haunting faces and memories.

As we draw nearer and nearer to Christmas, the more i cannot understand why anyone would do that.

Why would you do something like that to your own so- called best friends? How could you say something else face- front but behind, you tell all these stories which eventually cause so much heartache and misunderstanding?

And knowing and having heard for myself what tales you spurned, i cannot see why others don't see this; why can't they see that your elegant words do not depict truth? Do they even know what you have done? Because it makes me wish i didn't know sometimes. Makes me wish i had fled back then. It's the heaviest thing to carry.

I don't know why it had to happen that way. I don't understand why i struck those friendships. I don't know why this is how God chose to lead me back to the right path.

Everything happens for a reason and one day, perhaps He will turn this bitterness into something beautiful. But for now, i still wait.

In some ways, i'm actually glad to be away from home before Christmas itself. Because i don't want to go through the old notions of your lies and how that has murdered so many things.

Every year, i pray that my heart will soon grow to have enough room for this and then move on.

Slow Motion

2010-12-18T17:26:00.003+08:00

There are the moments in life when you see it coming towards you. That split second where that subconscious mind of yours strikes a friendship or suddenly sees something it has never encountered before. In my musings, i realised certain things. And in those musings, there are many people and there is great suffering. Some choose to talk or cry it over, some choose to bury it into themselves, some beat it into others and some hide it with a smile. And be it a tear or a strained smile and laughter, they are painful yet somewhat beautiful. So, i wrote it in these words...

The soul is always drowning in a depth so deep that it cannot comprehend as well.
It is painful to watch as the world around swirls black and white in a dizzying slow motion.
Any moment can grab you by the shoulders and jerk you awake from your reverie.
It is an irony.
I watched the desperate acts and relentless moans from one side of the world. I felt a throb of pain in my heart.
I turned around to shy away from it.
Then, I watched the grievous eyes and heard only silent cries but a lot of echoing laughter. I felt a rip at my soul.
I don't know where to turn and hide. My feet won't run at my command.

Then, in the midst of the surreal motions, I saw...only You.

Best Friend?

2010-12-13T22:42:00.004+08:00

Ever since i came to KL, i noticed something quite peculiar. Maybe it's the distance they experience or something which makes people talk this way or it could really be something.

Everyone seems to have a..wait for it...

-best friend.

It's so common to hear my friends here talk about a certain best friend they have. Usually back home. Even guys. I don't mean to sound sexist but i never thought that boys are the kind who would refer to anyone as their best friend or something.

It may be somewhat lame but it actually got me thinking.

I realised that i never have a best friend. I never referred to anyone as my best friend. Everytime i talked about any of my friends, i usually refer to them as "one of my closest" friends.

And it got me thinking, why?

Is this best friend thing real?

I cherish my friendships. I really really do. But i just don't do "best friend stuff", if you know what i mean. As Robin Scherbatsky would put it, "Am i wired wrong?"

Sometimes i wish i did. I see two people who are best friends to each other do everything together and i wonder why i am different in that sense. However close i ever get with any of my friends, i keep a certain boundary. It doesn't mean that i do not love them. Not at all. Maybe it's a wall i built to protect myself. Or maybe that's just who i am.

How is it possible to be on the phone with a friend daily for hours? How is it possible to talk anything and everything with that friend? To share the details of your days and lives. To love the same things. To know and accept every flaw. It is something i quite want, but i'm just not built to have. When i pick up a phone to call somebody just to ask how their day is, i hesitate. When i want to send a text message, i hesitate. Even to open my mouth and ask "How are you?" can be so difficult for me. Or to open it and say, "I have something to tell you."

In retrospect, i even realised that back in school i've never stuck to anyone. I seem to have been floating here and there, among my friends. I enjoy boy stuff most of the time and enjoyed my leisure quite differently from others. And when situations arose, i'll notice that i tend to be in it by myself.

Maybe it'll always be a mystery to me. And it is quite sad, really. I don't really know how to put it in words.

But i guess, in some ways that doesn't matter. I have a wonderful God, i have a wonderful family.

And best friend or no best friend..i know in my heart that you guys are the best and most awesome.

Help Me.

2010-12-03T23:31:00.003+08:00

Father, help me.

Because i still wake up everyday.. and end every night in constant anxiety.

Help me remember not what i want to remember,
but only what You want me to remember.
Help me forget what i should have long- forgotten.

Help me forgive the lies.
Help me forgive the memories.
Help me even more to forgive my unheard cries, unshed tears and unspoken words.
Help me forgive the people of whom i prayed would have heeded the cries.
Help me forgive myself.

Help me let go.
Help me cling on.
Help me know and tell between the two.
Help me run the race and fight the battle.

Help me laugh when i have to,
cry when i need to.
Help me lend a shoulder and borrow a shoulder.

Help me love.
Help me love when love is not reciprocated
and may that love not look around expectantly.
Help me love and not let love imprison me.

Help me in all i do,
Help me in all i love and meet,
Help me in all my desires, joys, cares and pains.

Help me Father
because if You don't, who can?

Venite Adoremus

2010-11-27T20:45:00.003+08:00

I could wish you joy and peace
To last a whole life long,
I could wish you sunshine,
Or a cheerful little song,
Or wish you all the happiness
That this life could bring

But I wish you Jesus,
But I wish you Jesus,
But I wish you Jesus,
More than anything.

I could wish you leaves of gold,
And may your path be smooth,
I could wish you treasures,
Or that all your dreams come true,
And I could wish you paradise,
That ev'ry day be spring,

But I wish you Jesus,
But I wish you Jesus,
But I wish you Jesus,
Cause when I wish you Jesus,
I've wished you ev'rything.

I have not experienced a day this loooonnggg and exhausting for ages. But it's been a strangely beautiful day.

I visited the St Francis Xavier Little Sisters of the Poor old folks home with CSS today. Very well- kempt and cozy place.

There is something strangely comforting about looking old age right in the eye. Not only figuratively, but also literally. Recently, especially ever since leaving home, i realise that aging scares me so so much. Not so much growing up on my own part, but watching your loved ones grow old can be so painful. It's even more painful to be unable to be there to grow with them and watch them grow old.

Some of you know that i went home very recently to surprise my grandma on her 81st birthday. It was an exciting but also and emotional affair for me. To be smacked in the face that things have changed and each day is a day closer to losing everything you hold dear.

It isn't easy too when you watch around helplessly as people are torn apart, friends drift apart, hearts are crushed, souls cry a silent cry and no one but you seem to realise that.

Seeing the old folks this morning and every inch of life and optimism they hold onto meant a lot to me. It's a strange feeling. A combination of joy and a certain kind of sadness, which isn't exactly depressing. The fact that they still live and still carry on living, even in the most mundane way possible brings me hope.

Yesterday, i was thinking to myself; A year has come and gone. And it didn't really went as i would have loved it to. What have i done? How have i grown? How do i want to live this coming year and await as Christ the King draws nearer and nearer to us? What things should i let go of and what should i cling onto?

It's normal to doubt yourself, feel like a failure and ponder on life especially at the start of a year. But i had no answer to that.

But this morning, i felt consoled. Just before i left the home, i thanked the Sister for her hospitality and very casually she added that there is a Chapel there. It was there all along, opposite the auditorium we helped clean up, but i didn't realise that. And maybe you want to thank the Good Lord before you leave, she said.

And so i did.

And the words of the founder, St Jean Jugan which i read earlier came to me;

Jesus is waiting for you in the chapel. Go and find him when your strength and patience are giving out, when you feel lonely and helpless. Say to him: "You know well what is happening, my dear Jesus. I have only you. Come to my aid..." And then go your way. And don’t worry about knowing how you are going to manage. It is enough to have told our good Lord. He has an excellent memory!

And then i know that i don't have to start this year with any plan. I don't have to look forward to Christmas with any plan in mind. None of that is important. Even if i lived in anxiety everyday, even if i accomplished nothing in the year ahead, none of that matters.

I just have to keep bringing it before the Good Lord.

And that will be all the resolution i need for the year.

It's a good and new start to this new liturgical year.

Happy Advent.

I wish you Jesus.

Jaded

2010-11-17T18:11:00.005+08:00

I thought i was okay.

You see, this is what old friends or friends you feel have known you for ages do to you.

They drive you home.

I didn't expect to feel this way. After spending half a day with them, i'm really disheartened to come back here. To return to this place, which offers no comfort at all to me. Of course all this while, i'd been lying to myself to make things less painful. Telling myself it's a matter of time before i got used to this place, that i shouldn't be slow to adapt to new people and new surroundings. And most of the time, my willpower and mind power win. I make the best of what i can here. I try to see the goodness and embrace the differences of people i've been given. And i'm astounded and amazed to see how well other people can cope and i ask myself, why am i not like that?

But there are moments like now, where i just want to be wholly honest with myself. I don't care how i'm supposed to feel, i don't care how i should be optimistic. I hate how things are here.

I'm always reminded of how i used to be. And yes, people change. Changes aren't all that bad bla bla bla. But i can't help but wonder how on earth did i get so jaded?

Where's that person in the mirror i once knew?

The one who didn't have to think twice before saying something. The one who won't think twice about standing up for herself or someone else. The one who actually had fun, spent quality time with people she loved and cared not what others thought. The person i was before putting all these masks on.

It really sucks because all i did was try and try to be a better person thinking that i'm doing the right thing, but that seems to have backfired. All i have done it seems, is changed myself into a completely different person and closed many doors to people. The kind of person i feared i'd become. A person who can't make up my mind, who do things and say things to impress, who is suddenly all too cautious with speech, who dwells upon the past and who wallows in self- pity.

I want to be who i was at some point of my life. Joyful, carefree, confident, sensitive to others, encouraging people to just be themselves, unafraid to show that i care and be simply vulnerable. With no need of being accepted and with no intention to impress. Sometimes, with the right people, i feel that creeping out from behind all these masks. Like today, i was with people who knew me for who i am, who have seen my flaws and knew what i have gone through. I didn't say much, nor did i ask much. Maybe because i was too tired. But their presence was enough.

But here i am, back to where i don't belong and it's really depressing. Not only literally, being back in TAR, but also where i've been stuck for a few years. Neither here nor there.

To be or not to be-- that is the Question.

2010-11-11T20:19:00.002+08:00

Today was relatively eventful in my now relatively mundane days.

I was practically traveling the ups and downs of emotions.

There was a test. 30 MCQ questions. I did what i could to prepare even though it's "just objective questions". But just because you do your revision doesn't mean everyone else does.

Unsurprisingly, people around me were cheating.

I have prepared myself mentally for it of course, each time there is a test, but i still can't help but feel a strange pang each time it happens.

Maybe i'm being overly sensitive, i do not know.

Seeing people cheating in tests, however mediocre or light the test people make it seem, brings me back to my earlier school years.

I've been on both sides of this coin. I hate to say it but i cheated before myself.

Maybe being where i am now and having stopped the habit myself, i begin to see how unfair cheating actually is. Not only to the people who have actually bothered and dedicated their time on revision, but on yourself. Won't you at least give yourself a chance at putting your abilities to the test and find out where you truly stand? This is only a small part of the huge world. If you truly can't do well in academics, maybe there are better plans for you. Why try to prove otherwise to the world and to yourself? There is no point even if you do well in college if you had to cheat your way through.

And then, i wonder; Where do we draw the line?

If in school, it's okay to cheat, it makes it okay to cheat in the working world out there. It makes it okay to cheat in politics, in the office and everywhere else. Then justice will be nothing but a mockery.

I have begun to realise that sometimes, some teachers or lecturers themselves do not really care and for various reasons, no longer uphold the integrity when it involves exams.

From different perspectives, could they be doing that out of pity? In the name of helping students who undoubtedly face crazier expectations from parents and society today? If that were truly so, does that even come close to justifying cheating?

What do you think?

As i mused and walked back from class, i realise precisely why despite my own judgements, i dare not say anything to advise or tell my classmates what i think and feel about this all. Simply because i do not have that courage to and more so because i know even if i don't cheat, in many other ways, that doesn't make me better than that.

But deep down too, i understand that somehow, by deed or word, it is my responsibility to help them see the dishonesty in cheating. So i will let God do with this how He will. And in this way, in my uncertainties and disabilities to do much, i am very much human.

2010-10-25T18:13:00.003+08:00

dengan hati yang sudah berkecai, mungkinkah aku bangkit, patah balik dan meneruskan perjalanan ini?

mungkinkahMu merendahkan diri untuk mengangkat diriku?

kerana
tidak bisaku mencapai serta menatap seluruhMu..

you'll have to help me because i don't know where to start picking up these broken pieces..

The Inner Conflict

2010-10-24T18:28:00.002+08:00

I recall and i try to remember that

We are God's work of art, created in Christ Jesus for the good works which God has already designated to make up our way of life. --Ephesians 2:10

But the spirit is willing but the flesh weak.

For we know that the law is spiritual; but I am of the flesh, sold into slavery under sin. I do not understand my own actions. For I do not do what I want, but I do the very thing I hate. Now if I do what I do not want, I agree that the law is good. But in fact it is no longer I that do it, but sin that dwells within me. For I know that nothing good dwells within me, that is, in my flesh. For I do not do the good that I want, but the evil I do not want is what I do. Now if I do what I do not want, it is no longer I that do it, but sin that dwells within me.

So I find it to be a law that when I want to do what is good, evil lies close at hand. For I delight in the law of God in my inmost self, but I see in my members another law at war with the law of my mind, making me captive to the law of sin that swells in my members. Wretched man that I am! Who will rescue me from this body of death? Thanks be to God through Jesus Christ our Lord!

So then, with my mind I am a slave to the law of God, but with my flesh I am a slave to the law of sin.

--Romans 7:14-25

how and when will we stop being slaves to flesh??:(( i'm waiting.

Fruits.

2010-10-15T13:08:00.006+08:00

There are no galley slaves in the royal vessel of divine love — every man works his oar voluntarily. --St Francis de Sales

Two nights ago, during prayer, the 1st reading was on the Fruits of the Holy Spirit. We voiced out which gift we feel is lacking in our lives at this moment in life before praying the rosary to offer that up and ask that we receive that particular fruit in our hearts.

I was torn between praying for self- control or peace.

Everyone started saying theirs and i realised that i was one of the last ones left. In that spur of the moment, i said aloud, "Joy. Joy. Joy."

What was that all about?

I'm still not quite sure but i suppose joy is what i have to be praying for. And in retrospect, i realised that i had prayed for peace and humility before without being aware of it.

But now, joy is what i need most. Joy is going to strengthen me through everything. Not just temporary happiness, but true joy in the worst moments of life.

I'm the one who have said yes, i've chosen this path for myself in belief that things will turn out for the best. I have said yes to Christ. Sometimes, i find myself facing a situation or mountain i least expected or preferred, and yet i said yes.

So there are no galley slaves in the royal vessel of divine love- every man works his oar voluntarily. I want to let go of my oars at some points. But these are the oars i've picked up and this is the boat i've chosen. Although i picked them up unknowingly of the storm ahead, i believe that they are the ones planned for me, however tough it is.

There are no such thing as regrets. Sometimes i say to myself, "I should not have returned to God in this manner." or "Why couldn't it be another alternative?" or "I wish i could let go of my hopes for some people." But guess what? Such feelings are fake and misleading. You will not be where you are not supposed to be. All you have to do is look back, and you will see how true that is.

You do not have to say yes now and your yes before this was never needed. Because Christ has said yes on the cross and God is saying, "Yes, you have taken this path and it was meant for you from the very start although you might not believe that now."

And so i am asking Jesus. And i'm saying all these and wondering about all these at the very same time; "How is it that you ask me for a drink?" "You have no bucket." "Sir, give me this water." "Come and see the man who told me everything!" "Please stay."
All at the same time.

I am the Samaritan woman at the well.

Religious?

2010-10-08T11:17:00.005+08:00

Sometimes people say, "Whoa! You're so religious!" Or holy.

This morning, someone said that to me and it's quite common to hear that of late.

The question is..how do we respond to such an exclamation?

I honestly do not know.

But i've one thing in mind when i hear that.

There is no such thing as being holy or religious. There is no degree to how much you are "into Godly stuff".

There is, however, a degree to how much we strive for perfection and holiness in our daily lives.

Society has a twisted view on people who pray a lot, or go to church a lot or talk about God a lot in their lives.
They think that people like that are close to God, are to be revered or to be looked up to. But it isn't at all about how many times you go to Mass or pray the rosary.

I don't deny that we should make people who are so devoted our inspiration, but here's the catch. They are not holy or religious. They're simply in love.

In love with their Creator. When you're in love with someone, you wanna tell the world about them, you wanna constantly be with them and you want to know them more and more.

So what's being religious? Nothing. Christ says that the sinners are the ones who most deserve Him. And see, we go to church and we pray..not because we've reached a point of holiness in our lives. On the contrary it's because we haven't. The greater the sinner, the more we need to approach the Holy and Perfect One.

It is us who need to constantly seek God, because we have no strength of our own without Him. Please don't just wonder in awe at those who do...because they stopped doing that at a point and put their awe into actions of love. Join me, brothers and sisters, not in becoming holy or religious-- but in journeying towards it. Without you all, i can do little. Our race is meant to be run together, though on separate tracks. Please join your hands with mine and do all you can to seek God together with me. Because where two or three are gathered in His name, there He will always be.

Blessed

2010-10-05T19:06:00.002+08:00

Sometimes you grow so close to God..you think you've known Him.

And then He surprises you. Again. And again and again.

These few days have taught me many things. Especially through new people i met from the CSS Camp and encountering Him in faces and nature. I'm glad for all the affirmation. Who am i, without everyone else?

Yesterday's Gospel reading was on the Good Samaritan. And from that, i learnt that sometimes, i'm the man lying down on the road, robbed of everything. And i watch in pain and hurt as the priest and Levites in my life seem to walk away. Then i'm surprised by the compassion of a Samaritan. God has touched my life and picked me up with the company of people i never expected to have in my life.

And sometimes, i see myself as the priest or Levite who walked by people who're so down-trodden.

Then i realise life boils down to 2 questions.

Love.
How much are you willing to reach out to others?

And more importantly,
How much, like the man who was half-dead, do you trust and allow someone else to pick up and bandage your wounds?

We are all robbed. And as we lie down and cry out for help and watch people walk by, we are crushed by the truth..

But let's not let that poison us and when a Samaritan does come along, let us abandon our pride and let ourselves be picked up...for once.

So happened that it was the feast of St Francis de Assisi.

Make us a channel of your peace.
O Master grant that i may never seek...

In the spirit of St Francis, who heard the Lord speaking to him and to everyone of us in these words "Go repair my house, for which you see, is falling into ruin," let's all journey on in faith and strengthen one another along the way.

God bless.

"Blessed be Your name
On the road marked with suffering
Though there's pain in the offering
Blessed be Your name."

Prayer for a Friend

2010-09-29T18:17:00.000+08:00

I've abandoned this blog for quite a while. But here i am, back to writing and no matter how things turn, i suppose writing will always be my passion. In many ways, i guess i have always been inclined to words. I like listening, i like speaking, i like imagining what people will say. Words touch me and words break me. Even the absence or lack of it means a lot of me.

Today, I've reached 100 blog posts. I've written nonsense along the way, written very depressing and inspirational(i hope) stuff along the way, stopped writing and lost readers along the way, gave up reading blogs along the way and grew so much along the way. But i decided, since this is the 101th post, what better way than to dedicate this to friends and readers out there who have journeyed with me, in someway or another, whether in words, prayers or in sheer silence.

Here's a video to you all. And from the very bottom of my heart, i mean each word of the song.

Life has been going up and down of late. Not only for myself, but for other people around me as well, i feel. There's been a lot of changes, a lot of headaches..and heartaches. We're all trying to figure out where we belong.

People come and go, memories are made and forgotten, some of us have given up on one another but i hope our friendship is what remains in the very end because it is more than just what we feel. It is worth more than what we feel.

And i really hope you all know who you are and how much you mean to me, though very rarely i voice that out. I pray that life be for you a beautiful thing and that the end of it holds a promise to you. Sometimes i want to reach out and be able to touch your hand, so that i touch your soul just as how some of you have done for me. But that is not always the case. And there is so much i cannot do to make things better for anyone, but i can still pray and that i guess, is all that is needed.

And who knows, maybe along our very own lives, we'll meet somewhere at a crossroad..and when that time comes, i hope we have the time for a cup of coffee always...or tea, for that matter.

Lastly, i have to apologise for sappy and mellow posts these days. Sometimes i don't see how it will benefit people who read. But this is a blog and if anything, i should at least be able to be very honest with myself and share whatever i think i could here. And these words always come to me.."Do you ever wonder...how things would have been, if nothing could ever touch you deep inside."

Be Awesome

2010-09-26T21:30:00.004+08:00

I hate this feeling. It's called helplessness.

There is nothing you can do to make it better but just wait for it to pass, if it even does.

It's how you miss home, how you miss the people and everything familiar. Waking up in your own bed, seeing the faces of the people you love each day, going to Mass and just being able to do nothing. How you can just...simply be there for everything that happens through thick and thin.

And all that is snatched away from you in the name of education.

There are times i wonder if this is all worth it. I pursue an education because i want betterment for my own life, but more importantly for the betterment of my family and people i care about. These are my dreams. So there are the moments i get so blinded that i just can't see what the point is if i'm away from home. And it's being far from home which cracks you up and there harbours in your head all the bad things which could possibly go wrong at home. And honestly, who could blame you for that? Things have happened and it only takes so much to plant fear in young hearts.

I hate complaining. And i hate not looking at things in the right way. I really do. It is a sign of being unappreciative and a sign of weakness. I hate that this is what i've settled for at this very moment.

And i know, i have to start realising that i'm here for a reason, whatever the reason is and i can only pray that it be worthwhile.

When you're in a situation like this, wallowing in so much self-pity, there is only God you can turn to. And i truly truly need that.

"Do not worry." were His words. And because they were His for me, i'm going to make an effort. And i will make a choice to live my life and live it good.

I'll also remember the single word i've been told which will make me strong through it all. Steadfast!

And so steadfast i'll be and i'll be okay. Because not being okay is being selfish. My family did not sacrifice to send me here so that i complain. I'm granted a scholarship and there are others yearning for it. I have a loan which others need more than i do. There are all sorts of means of communication today which were not available in previous generations. There are people here too i should care for and shine Christ's light upon. I should have no reason to be bitter.

Maybe one day i'll look back at this and laugh.

And if i should fall, please consider it your obligation to smack me hard in the face and help me pick myself up again so that i see clearly where my priorities should lie. And i guess that's why Christ is centered in community. Man need men and however much i try not to rely on that, it is true.

And i'll try the best i can to do the same for you.

So when i get sad, i stop being sad and be awesome instead. True story.

A Hundred Times Over

2010-09-19T22:38:00.003+08:00

Hassan said to Amir, "For you a hundred times over."

And then, many remorseful years later, Amir said to Hassan's son, Sohrab instead;

For you a hundred times over.

It's also like the story of the giving tree.

And that's how human relationships are.

Do you have someone to love over and over again? No matter how ridiculous your sense of logic tells you that is. Or is there someone out there who keeps on giving and giving for your sake? Yet there is something we do not give, and that is up. We don't give up.

I know what that is like.

A family. Or a friend.

What we give may not be perfect (in fact, it never is) and sometimes it becomes so laborious to keep giving.

But please keep giving. And please keep receiving gracefully from those who love you. That's what we were meant for. Loving and giving, for through it we receive the greatest gift of all; Christ himself who is the ultimate lover.

As St Francis puts it, it is in giving that we receive.

So Happy Giving.

And remember, from the very bottom of my heart..

For you a hundred times over.

Just Like That

2010-09-17T10:19:00.010+08:00

I know a lot of people. And so do you, but sometimes we just can't quite tell who our friends are.

You know you're supposed to reflect of each other.

Or sometimes we put on a great show to tell the world we're doing great. We know we aren't.

Coming home, the people i grew up with- not only in terms of physical aspect, make things real for me.

In the short span of an eye contact, a gesture, a touch or a piece of silence shared, it brings back everything i ever knew and deemed real.

But there is also the reminder of all the things said and left unsaid.

I'm not the most expressive human being to walk the earth but i treasure these relationships i've been blessed with and lock them away in my heart. So much so that, at one point i decide to let go but by the next i know i can't just by looking into your eyes.

Even through the brokenness, the bad memories and things never cleared up, to me the friendship i harbour is worth more than the mess and worth more than just what we feel.

It's just that on this runaway train of life, some things were never meant to be, however much you wanted to paint a picture perfect. You simply get distorted. But i guess that doesn't matter.

And life will carry you on and we continue meeting new people everyday. And though i wish to create more memories each way i turn, you all..will always be my very first love, and the love i found at home that has taught me what it's like to grow.

Yeah i've just been in a funny mood these days. Can't quite reach any conclusion to my musings, can't quite sort them out either... But i suppose that's how life goes; midway and you realise suddenly that there are so many things you don't understand, so many things which passed you by. Just like that.

Love Song

2010-08-21T11:27:00.003+08:00

"In this life-long love song, you can love right, you can love wrong. In this love song, you can love long and if you love wrong, it doesn't mean love's gone."

Loving means opening yourself up to vulnerabilities. But that's why it's the most beautiful thing in the world. A family's love, a friend's love, a lover's love. It should be an easy and right thing to do, if only we let it. It's about now, about today.

I'm still learning how to love. Will you walk with me while together we learn? Because i can love wrong but it doesn't mean love's gone. Let our journey be a love song.

Awed by the Awesome

2010-08-07T23:15:00.003+08:00

Feast of Transfiguration. Always love it. So we took the bus an hour and a half beforehand to St. Francis Xavier Church. Got caught in the worst jam i've ever been in. Welcome to Kl;)

Mass was to begin at 8pm. So at 730pm, we ran down the bus and decided to walk the way. Which happened to be a really long way.

We arrived at the bus station for transit at 755pm! And the bus left for the Federal Highway only at 815pm.

We reached the church at 820pm.

Great.

We figured the most we'd be in time for was the Gospel reading or Homily.

And sure, when we arrived, the congregation was already standing up.

Hah, but for Kyrie and not the Gospel!

Guess the Big Guy Up There waited for us.

It was Fr. Larry and this is what struck me..no, smacked me so hard in his Homily.

Something along these lines which reflect the Transfiguration as well;

"We encountered the Divine which is already within us somewhere in the past and we feel so high about that. And now we keep craving for such an experience, when God is there in the very ordinary. In the joy and sadness of our everyday lives. But we keep craving and craving for something bigger that we do not see that those are the moments that He is nearest to us. The fact is there is no dividing line between the spiritual and the secular life."

Yep. Which always brings me back to the people around me and the people back home:)

Friendship is like wine; it gets better as it grows older. --Sirach 9:10

Well, this is to old wine and new wine, both of which are slowly to be savoured over the coming years years.

And to the amazing God of all things ordinary. Have a great ordinary week ahead fellas.

2010-07-07T20:23:00.004+08:00

He wasn't born for you to ostracise but look! Here's a coward who has so little within her to stand up for what is right...

There's this guy in my class and he's just...different. So everyone ignores him. Fine with me. But why make a laughing stock out of him??

Has it ever occurred to you that he might have parents who love him? Or did you stop and realise how grateful you should be that you aren't the one labeled as "weird" and therefore kicked to the corner?

Stop laughing at his clothes. Stop giving him names behind his back. Stop humiliating him on purpose in class. Stop making the lecturers pick on him as well.

And then here i am, unable to stand up at all for my principles. Unable to stand up for the least of my brethren. Cowardice.

2010-06-24T00:12:00.000+08:00

Why art thou cast down, O my soul? And why art thou disquieted within me? --psalm 43:5

Hour-Glass

2010-06-10T00:41:00.002+08:00

there's much selfishness here as far as i can see. what does it take for me to stand my grounds and hold steadfast onto virtues i've held thus far?? how not to throw back the ball shoved at me?

on a side note...

"from my peer through the hour- glass,
like the first plummet which was untainted ecstacy,
that's us.
and then i kept chasing and chasing
through the tunnels,
but even in my wildest dreams,
i couldn't reach you.
you were simply ahead of me,
in our hour-glass."

The Altar and the Door by Casting Crowns

2010-04-06T21:52:00.002+08:00

I haven't been able to place my feelings. Or to put it into words.
I think this song is what i'm feeling.

From LYRICSMODE.COM lyrics archive

Lyrics | Casting Crowns lyrics - The Altar And The Door lyrics

Careless, I am reckless
I'm a wrong-way-travelin'-slowly-unraveling shell of a man
Burnt out, I'm so numb now
That the fire's just an ember way down in the corner of my cold, cold heart

Lord, this time I'll make it right, here at the altar I lay my life
Your kingdom come but my will was done, my heart is broken as I...

Cry, like so many times before
But my eyes are dry before I leave the floor, oh Lord
I try but this time, Jesus, how can I be sure I will not lose my follow through
Between the altar and the door

Here at the altar, oh my world so black and white
How could I ever falter
What You've shown me to be right

I'm trying so hard to stop trying so hard
Just let You be who You are
Lord, who You are in me
Jesus, I'm trying so hard to stop trying so hard
Just let You be who You are
Lord, who You are in me

Oh Lord, I

This Phase.

2010-03-24T22:43:00.002+08:00

Hello, people. If you've been wondering why i haven't posted anything at all, it's because it's been a bewildering stage in life for me. Everything's hanging on a thin line and things can sway whichever way. But life's never been richer.

I only wish that i could stand at this crossroad forever and contemplate the beauty of not having to decide which road to take next. With all my loved ones in perfect view..

That's not the way things work though.

It'll be gone like the dew, but still..

2010-02-02T12:11:00.003+08:00

This morning, i woke up with a strangely wonderful feeling. I'm not sure what it was. It was somewhat a feeling of contentment and ease. And i realised that even as i slowly got up, people swarmed in and out of my thoughts. Family members, close friends, childhood friends, people who're far away. The funny things is, as each person float into thought, there was a peaceful sort of feeling i had, as though i've made my peace with the entire world. And i know then that i've everything to be thankful for. Which is you, you and you.

I know it probably isn't something which would come by frequently, if even there were a second time but boy, did it feel good.

My Friend, my Lover.

2010-01-19T12:33:00.004+08:00

I found out something rather interesting. This is from one of the web pages as i googled up "definition of a friend".

"A friend is a lover, literally. The relationship between Latin amcus "friend" and am "I love" is clear, as is the relationship between Greek philos "friend" and phile "I love." In English, though, we have to go back a millennium before we see the verb related to friend. At that time, frond, the Old English word for "friend," was simply the present participle of the verb fron, "to love." The Germanic root behind this verb is *fr-, which meant "to like, love, be friendly to." Closely linked to these concepts is that of "peace," and in fact Germanic made a noun from this root, *frithu-, meaning exactly that. Ultimately descended from this noun are the personal names Frederick, "peaceful ruler," and Siegfried, "victory peace." The root also shows up in the name of the Germanic deity Frigg, the goddess of love, who lives on today in the word Friday, "day of Frigg," from an ancient translation of Latin Veneris dis, "day of Venus.""

I've noticed that themes like "family" or "friends" rarely pop up in blog. In fact, unlike most people, i don't even have any label on my blog under "friends and family". Heck, i don't even have "people". Maybe the reason to this is that i try to be as impersonal as i can when i post things up on the internet. Sure, it's a conduit to my feelings as well and my blog serves the same purposes most blogs do. But i've noticed that names do not appear much in my posts. Seldom do i pinpoint down a personal friend or a family member in posts, let alone discuss them here. I'm not sure why, but it just feels strange if i do. Perhaps to generalise things and not make this blog become too exclusive.

However, today i'd just wanna touch a little bit about something more down-to-earth; friends. A friend is a lover, literally. And just like the lover lover which usually comes to mind when we use that word, a friend is so many things. And i am no exception, however much i try to display my indifference, in experiencing the wonders of friendship. A friend is just like a lover. A lover makes your day. He (i'm not a sexist, i'm just generalising by using "he") understands. He listens. He could be on your mind, always. He could change your life. He breaks your heart. He may forget you. You know the drill. And just like a lover, you may never speak to each other again, without knowing why. You may push the friendship aside and label it "broken". You may hurt each other without meaning to. However, there are some people who could just be there the entire time without you realising it as well.

Looking back, it's easy enough to spot many jeopardised relationships in my own life. Some which only i myself realise and regret. And most are avoidable while a few i could do nothing about but watch as it falls apart. And nobody likes that. I've been pondering on it and perhaps too much.

But maybe in the end, you think, it's really no one's fault, was it? I'd wanna believe that and know it's true someday.

And so, i take my consolation in the following words..

Friendships begun in this world will be taken up again, never to be broken off.
-- St. Francis de Sales

Of PSP, Don't Talk and Cell Phones.

2010-01-10T16:16:00.003+08:00

I went to Ipoh Town at Jalan Song for brunch today with my family. I witnessed an incident which really left me wondering.

A family of three; mummy, daddy and kiddo entered and sat not far away from where we were sitting. Kiddo, not more than 5 i'd say, was engrossed in what looked like a PSP. The sight of it annoyed me slightly.

And then, the waitress placed a menu in front of the family. Kiddo looked up and said something like "hey, mummy, i want..." before he could finish his sentence, he was cut short by mummy with "just play your game."

Moments later, kiddo finally tore his eyes away from the PSP and went to daddy. While he was shooting away with some kiddish story, apparently grappling for attention, daddy was too engrossed in his cell phone.

Isn't the whole thing just plain weird and warped?? Nope, i'm not judging or anything. But i just find it somewhat disturbing.

The fact is there are families that are distant and cold. There are some lacking understanding and quality time.

How far has technology progressed and what are its consequences? How can a family grow if there is so little communication? What kinda childhood would kids these days go through? What kind of person would they become from that?

Well, think about it and you decide.

Desiderata

2010-01-09T23:41:00.002+08:00

I came across this at St Peter's College and i found that i just have to share it with you all. I love it.

Desiderata
-- written by Max Ehrmann in the 1920s --

Go placidly amid the noise and the haste,
and remember what peace there may be in silence.

As far as possible, without surrender,
be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly;
and listen to others,
even to the dull and the ignorant;
they too have their story.
Avoid loud and aggressive persons;
they are vexatious to the spirit.

If you compare yourself with others,
you may become vain or bitter,
for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.
Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.
Keep interested in your own career, however humble;
it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.

Exercise caution in your business affairs,
for the world is full of trickery.
But let this not blind you to what virtue there is;
many persons strive for high ideals,
and everywhere life is full of heroism.
Be yourself. Especially do not feign affection.
Neither be cynical about love,
for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment,
it is as perennial as the grass.

Take kindly the counsel of the years,
gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.
But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.

Beyond a wholesome discipline,
be gentle with yourself.
You are a child of the universe
no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you,
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Therefore be at peace with God,
whatever you conceive Him to be.
And whatever your labors and aspirations,
in the noisy confusion of life,
keep peace in your soul.

With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams,
it is still a beautiful world.
Be cheerful. Strive to be happy.

Spiderman

2009-12-24T11:39:00.003+08:00

I believe there's a hero in all of us, that keeps us honest, gives us strength, makes us noble. And finally gets us to die with pride. Even though sometimes we have to be steady and give up the thing we want most, even our dreams.
-- Spiderman 2

i was watching, yeah, spiderman on tv last night. i was a bit surprised that the last time i watched it, i didn't think it was really that good. it is after all, a typical super hero plot. but somehow, it held more meaning to me this time. i guess like many other things, for example books or songs, when you come back to the same one after years and you've grown up in some way or another, you realise the worth and beauty for certain things you used to fail to notice. yes, like spiderman.

we all know the story of spiderman and in fact, many other fiction heroes. we enjoy envisioning super heroes, with all their invisibilities; physical, emotional and mental. we take pleasure in forgetting that they too, are with feelings, responsibilities and concerns. that leaves us with all the right to blame them for any "mishap" or "mistake" that takes place in our lives.

and that, is sometimes, the way we tend to treat our sole Saviour, our loved ones and those we look up to.

from another perspective, it is also true that sometimes we have to be steady and give up the thing we want most, even our dreams. maybe in another word, it can just be summed up as sacrifice. sacrifices make the world go 'round. i read before somewhere, that everything is a sacrifice. we just don't realise it. for example, when we choose to switch on the computer, we sacrifice the time to sleep. or when we choose to sleep, we sacrifice the time to socialise. a chain reaction, almost.

and these few days, i've tasted a shred of what sacrifice is. sure, we make sacrifices all the time. we'd stoop down to help a friend carry a load, we'd help wash the dishes, we'd stay up to listen to a complaint. but these are almost (for some people) automatic reactions, out of love and rather instantaneous. but what about sacrifices which we can see are bound to lead to hardships and require us to do something we truly dread. what would we not give to avoid such occasions? however, at times, it isn't about our choice really, rather about doing what the heart says is right.

it's so convenient at times to throw a tantrum, to pout, to ignore, to complain, to compare, to sneer. but let's take it like Peter Parker. be angry at it, but momentarily, then embrace it if you must.

should i have done things my way, i would've easily chosen the easier and more enjoyable route. it would have been so easy. it would have been what i wanted. it would have been a joy. but somehow i don't think it right.

and i guess, all in all, i'm still glad.

and you begin to realise, maybe it isn't so bad after all. and you smile, though a forced one at first, you'll get the hang of it.

it's part of what i've learnt this Advent season.

stuff

2009-12-21T12:30:00.003+08:00

i'm actually a bit too lazy and lost for words to post anything up here but i decided that i should. for those who're wondering, if any, what life's like now..i'll talk a little about that. it's only been more than two weeks since form 5 life officially ended for most of us, but i feel like it's been ages. been ages since we sat at the canteen at every interval, cracking ~~dirty~~ jokes and going through revision together. been ages since we stayed up at nights and sent text messages of complaints to one another; "why can't the reproductive system of humans be simpler?" "why can't the earth be anything else but sphere?". been ages since we sat in starbucks, supposedly doing revision together. it's just been ages and maybe i won't say i miss all that just yet, but something sure is missing.
in reality, if one even think about it, it is quite ironic. if you were not leaving school, you would be embracing and having fun during this holiday. you rarely reminisce. you look forward to the new school term. but when you're in form five, it's just the knowledge that you won't ever step into the school ground in identical terms anymore. no more fighting over food, no more gathering the mob against teachers, no more answering back, no more doing stupid things, no more cam whoring, no more complaining about addmath, no more sleeping in class; the usual drill.

that is just a word or two about school-less days.

anyway, on a lighter note, i've been filling up my time quite satisfactorily i'd think.
i've fallen into some sorta temporary routine. if i woke up early in the morning, i'd go for breakfast with my family. if i woke up late, it's probably lunch at home. in the afternoons, i'd probably be on the computer or catching up with whoever asked me out. in the evenings, i'm probably out caroling. in between, i've also finished reading a literature book; To Kill a Mockingbird and am still leisurely reading through a book on confession (thanks j) and another on the theology of the body (thanks evelyn). i've also cleared only half of the junk (meaning, text books and academic materials) i've gathered through the years.

and that, folks, have been what life's been like.

there's the trip down to santubong of course, but there isn't really much about that to talk about. and also sending off an old friend (what, 11 years??) at the airport. in retrospect, it is quite amazing for anyone to withstand my eccentricities for 11 years. it was weird to say goodbye to a friend as if you won't ever meet again, but i guess i should get used to it, surely there'll be more going off.

on another aspect, Christmas is a little different this year. besides the strange dryness that seems to befall many people, we've failed to put up the christmas tree and decorations. however, i quite like the idea of a quiet Christmas and just going to Mass like anyone else.

planning ahead, when things have settled down more and i would be more free after new year, i guess i'd learn to cook and bake, catch up on the movies i've missed, read all the books i've been eying, catch up with anybody and everybody and do whatever looks promising.

some side thoughts...
why do people take pleasure in pulling others down and laughing at their shortcomings? does it make us feel that we're above them? why talk behind others' back rather than tell them straight in the face? does that provide us with a sense of security? if so, doesn't that only show that we're inferior, needing others to confirm the misgivings of others as well?
a mistake i keep repeating, but trying to avoid nonetheless. i hope you're doing the same.

Random Talk.

2009-11-30T17:14:00.002+08:00

1. I miss the beach.

2. Oh, Advent.

3. I hope the end of the exams'll be flanked (this word kept popping up in the Biology textbook) with pouring of rain. Want the rainy seasons to come.

4. Contrary to what i first thought i'd do on the last day of exam, i won't celebrate with a loud yell or run amok because that'll just give exams too much significance. Instead, i'll just be secretly glad it's over and i can say: well i've done what i can up to here, what's next in life?

5. Isn't it funny that from now onwards, i can no longer start my conversations with "Today, in, school, i..." or "The teacher got mad cause..." or even post an entry on my blog under the label "School"?

6. I wanna become less dependent on facebook!!! It's turning into a habit to log in. It's a habit turning into dependency and habits provide comfort and comfort provides familiarity and familiarity breeds fear.

Okay, i'll stop the exaggeration here. I know, i know, it's JUST facebook!

7. If i wanna make a person feel better and do all i can to make them see again, does that make me a compassionate or a patronizing person? If i asked "how are you? are you okay?" does that make me an inquisitive person or a sensitive and concerned friend? Where do we draw the line?

8. I wanted to tell you what's disturbing me, but you beat me to the punch, all the time and so i changed my mind.

9. Hey, you! (anybody laaa) Wanna go to the movies??!!

10. Needa restock on coffee!

11. "If you ask me now, how do i feel, honestly, i feel the same." --Fr Adrian Kho

12. This is a season of changes, here and there, everywhere, it seems.. Unlike before, i'm gonna face them as optimistically as i can; the coming and going of dear ones, changing events and habits. If i despaired over a farewell, doesn't that only show my lack of faith in the communion and friendship??

13. Nucleus is "Nukleus" in Bahasa, Vesicle is "Vesikel", Mitochondrion is "Mitokondrion", Chromosome is "Kromosom", Smooth Endoplasmic Reticulum is "Retikulum Endoplasma Licin" and my favourite; Golgi Apparatus is called "Jasad Golgi"! hahahahhahha;)) seriously, what's the difference in implementing English or Bahasa as the teaching language in Science and Math!!
I don't see any difference, do ya?

14. I'm craving pineapple tart, curry puff and siew pau :S

15. There's beauty in birth and death which words cannot explain.

16. This is it! THE season! ya dee ya dee yaaa. (~~after i go for my confession :S~~)

17. Sleepy and hungry now. Bye.

Write.

2009-11-26T11:30:00.005+08:00

As someone who posts thoughts, events, writings and the likes of those on the internet with relative regularity, as someone who enjoys language, harbours and collects certain materials for personal interests, i do wonder at times my motives in writing and reading.

The trend of blogging, as far as i was concerned, hit Kuching-nites about 5 years ago. That was when i first blogged. Initially, of course, i was influenced by some seniors in school and the Ocean magazine to try out blogging. So, together with Reening, who's been my longest companion in language and writing til this moment, we tried our hands at blogging.

We started posting things we found amusing, such as happenings in school and we mostly focused on writing stories (Remember we never finished anything we begun? Hehe.) It was a kid's dream, to be special, to be able to express oneself and more importantly, it was quite a trend to write back then.

And of course, the trend died out but we continued on with our blogs, reverting our writings to more mellow(emo became the trend!!!) and mature things, and going for poetry more.

However, for the last two years, it came back into fashion and people i never expected would even hold a pen started blogging. In the course of those blogging years, i've opened and closed down about four blogging accounts all together, each time questioning my own motives and each time changing my writing style rather subtly.

What is the purpose of writing? What is the purpose of publishing one's thoughts and for some people even; very personal details of their lives on the internet, where it can be publicly accessed?

I looked back at my old posts and blogs, and noticed that the "peak" of my blogging season seems to be when i ranted and complained and made fun of people and events or wrote practically meaningless stuff. What does that prove? That people have the desire to patronize and feel better that they aren't the only ones feeling lost?

Indeed, writing even became a sorta propaganda and a "popularity gauge" as i would call it, at a certain time. And that was when i last stopped blogging. I just couldn't see the point in it; people talking about their love lives with oh-what-a-sad-life-i've-had tones on the internet, people sharing about a movie they last watched, people just posting things i simply cannot understand with words like "nabeh", "orxxx", "swts", "=.=" etc and people posting up photos.

Naturally, blogging is a form of entertainment, just like Facebook now i would think, a conduit for people to stay connected and to be kept updated. But surely, there must be more to it than that? How did people get so jaded, that such indirect contact with other souls out there become a desperation to connect?

I don't really know how to piece what i feel and think about this whole thing; it is rather confusing. Writing had always, always been around since man could do so. But it had never been such that it could be done this conveniently so. True enough, it's supposed to be a tool of expression and early men must've been desperate enough for more communication to even evolute writings.

With all these doubts and wonders, when i decided that i love writing and penning(though electronically) my thoughts down too much, i decided to try a different approach at blogging, something perhaps, which might satisfy me more. Not the number of comments, or how much my posts are being appreciated or how many views my blog gained. Those used to matter and maybe, it somehow still does, acting as a motivation, but there has to be something more important in writing for me myself; the author, rather than for my readers.

Sure, i still post up musings i think may interest or entertain people, still try to keep what i write entertaining and with-holding for readers, but this channel is becoming more of a place where i write what i want to write, no matter how strange it seems to the eyes of public.

Then why not keep a journal instead? you ask. A good question i can't really answer:) There are some things written which we might not post up for public views, of course: pieces of scribbled paper here and there but the few that we do post online, are probably to connect with people. But when that gets tiring, many people will just stop blogging, as i have seen. So, why write? Why should we write? What's its existence for?

I believe the answer for me is along those lines below, which i stumbled upon just last night:

" Now the love of wisdom in Greek is called philosophy and it was with such a desire that these writings inflamed me. Some there are who seduce by philosophy, disguising and colouring their errors with this great, pleasing and honourable name: almost all who were such, in the author's time or before, are set down and described in that book.

There also is expressed that salutary admonition of Your Spirit, which was spoken through Your good and pious servant: See to it that no one deceives you by philosophy and vain deceit, according to human traditions, according to the elements of the world and not according to Christ. For in Him dwells all the fullness of the Godhead bodily(Col 2: 8-9)"
-- Confessions of St. Augustine; Book 3, Chapter 4

And you may not get what i'm ranting about, but it doesn't matter;)

Bye- Bye.

2009-11-25T16:58:00.004+08:00

We've been together for two years, you and i.

Been through all the up's and down's.

So what is this feeling i'm having, a sort of ambivalence.

And today, we just have to finally say goodbye.

Hey, you were the only who has ever made me feel this way.

When i first met you, you were average, neither too hot nor too cold.

But then i began to realise that you were the only one who could make me jump in ecstasy when i find myself beginning to understand and know you better.

Yet, you were the one who has ever challenged me ever so intellectually, as no one had before for the first 15 years of my life.

You could leave me gasping in awe, or leave me pleading in desperation.

You made my heart beat faster.

I wanted to chill with friends, but you were always on my mind.

I wanted to relax a little, but you were there to make me stay up for you.

You were one of a kind, did you know?

But this has to end now, because you're making me tired.

Our journey together stops here, right now. And if we were bound to meet again, so be it.

But today, we must part..

And so..

I MUST SAY GOODBYE TO YOU MY DEAR ADDMATH!!!

~~Wheeeee!!!! Good riddance!~~

If Only

2009-11-16T20:21:00.005+08:00

If Only- Holes Soundtrack
by Fiction Plane

The old man's been stealing
She's holding her grievance for a hundred-odd years
We all keep believing
That history repeats itself year after year

All I fear's that the future is worse
We have to give in to the hundred-year curse
Sweat in the sun like we're diggin' a grave
Dig deep enough and our fortune we'll save

"If only, if only," the woodpecker sighs,
"The bark on the trees was as soft as the skies,"
As the wolf waits below, hungry and lonely
He cries to the moon, "If only, if only."

Chasin' the skirt of a beautiful wife
You make mistakes and it's my back that breaks
And forever my past steals my life
To submission I'm beat but there's hope beneath these feet

Blisters and blood and the sun makes you blind
You don't let it eat 'til it can't help but be kind
'Cause you know what's important with your back to the wall
You can break metal chains when your friends don't let you fall

"If only, if only," the woodpecker sighs,
"The bark on the trees was as soft as the skies,"
As the wolf waits below, hungry and lonely
He cries to the moon, "If only, if only."

I'm a sword but I find myself blunt
And that is no use when I'm fighting my history,
Fighting my history
I have no blade, I'm more like a feather
That is no use when I'm fighting my history,
Fighting my history
I have no blade, I'm more like a feather
But I can't fly away when I'm fighting myself

"If only, if only," the woodpecker sighs,
"The bark on the trees was as soft as the skies,"
As the wolf waits below, hungry and lonely
He cries to the moon, "If only, if only."

"If only, if only," the woodpecker sighs,
"The bark on the trees was as soft as the skies,"
As the wolf waits below, hungry and lonely
He cries to the moon, "If only, if only."

If i had things my way, my loved ones would speak their minds.
If i had things my way, people would love the rain and walk in it.
If i had things my way, they won't sit with depression in the corner.
If i had things my way, i don't have to tell people how much i care yet they'll know with such conviction.
If i had things my way, smiles won't ever have to be faked.
If i had things my way, we'd see past materialistic items and non- lasting happiness.
If i had things my way, we'll forget about war.
If i had things my way, parents would play bubbles with their kids.
If i had things my way, we need not hurt.
If i had things my way, we need not resent.
If i had things my way, we'd be contented.
If i had things my way, no one has to cry alone.
If i had things my way, we'd make the best of each moment.
If i had things my way, there won't be anyone suffering inferiority complex.
If i had things my way, we'll forget about the confusion and void.
If i had things my way...

but i don't and neither do you and we're gonna be happy anyway. so let's make the best of what we have today, tomorrow and always.

O Words.

2009-10-28T14:28:00.003+08:00

There's gotta be a balance. But how do we achieve that balance-- which is probably different for each individual? It is funny how we can have so much to say at one moment, and not want to say anything at the other. And not saying things we meant to say, but wasting words on things beside the point. Or sometimes, being too stingy with words and not wanting at all to say anything (unnecessary or not) in fear.

Or sometimes, feeling there isn't a need for words at all... but at times, feeling that all you ever needed to hear to keep you going was that certain string of words.
Are words really that important? Are words really not important?

O Words,
played me the fool thee hath.

Why thou? Keepeth thee flesh yearning?
Thee, that hath turned upon mortal man,
in thy envy,
and fleeing, thou hath
pulled so-- hard,
on these heart strings of purity?

O Words,
I do detest thee,
In fact, defied thee i hath,
to little avail.

Thee that so tempt one,
to pursue after,
and to willingly be led,
into thy dark shed of
shadows of doubt.

O Words,
should thou be of non- existence,
this heart would indulge in belief,
this soul in consolation.

But thou that doth so exist,
and art thus real,
O Words,
Make mortal man wonder,
doth make mortal man desire,
to feel thee-- if even just,
breezing past
these ears, hungry for affirmation.

Well, just trying out Archaic English;) haha.

The Conversation that probably WAS :))

2009-10-27T12:24:00.005+08:00

Everytime we tell others, "I'm fighting an internal conflict," we fail to realise that there are some out there who perk up at these words, thinking that their invisible fight has finally been recognised and acknowledged. But no, we keep disappointing these humble souls that are continuously striving for our sakes by continuing with "...so not in the mood to talk."

Because! A literal, real and very much alive fight is going on!

On a bright, happy morning...

Master: I'm fighting an internal conflict...

Skin: No you aren't, we are.

Master: ..so i'm emo and I don't wanna talk about it.

Mucous: Gee man, I work like slaves giving birth to Lys everyday and all that moron of a Master has to remember is her mental problems.

Skin: Excuse me, you think you're the only one? I not only have to sweat (literally) to give birth to Lys okay, there's still Sebum.

Lysozyme & Sebum: Peace, forefathers, we're here for the same reason, let's not allow war to rage among ourselves.

Mucous: War already is raging! Look, there's the enemy! Za, have you returned for revenge?

Influenza: No i'm here to make allies.

Skin: Allies! You?! Us?! Hah!! Get away or i'll make Lys go after you!

Mucous: Peace, brother, let us hear what he has to say.

Influenza: I know of your Master. She has neglected you all, hasn't she?

Skin, Mucous, Lysozyme and Sebum were quiet. Could they deny that?

Influenza: What if...we joined forces and taught her a lesson eh?

Skin: What's there in it for us?

Influenza: Well, nothing much really-- other than, perhaps, satisfaction. Take it or leave it, i'll be doing the dirty job anyway. All you all gotta do is...let me enter.

And so the pact was made.

The Master was going to school, moaning and complaining about how her life sucked.

Meanwhile, a sudden out roar raged among the Phagocytes. Neutrophil and Monocyte were having an argument.

Nuetro: Listen up men! There's been foul play! Foul play, foul play!

Mono: Enemy detected! Enemy detected! Second Line of Defence! Calling the Second Line of Defence!

Neutro: Za's coming! Listen, Mono, gather the men, I will enter Interstitial with my men first, we'll wait for you there.

Mono: No, we're leaving now, we're going to Lymph.

Neutro: You can't. Listen to me, Lymph has turned to join Influenza and the other rebels!

Mono: It's more strategic attacking from Lymph!

Neutro: No, we have to go to Interstitial.

Mono: Why should I listen to you? Men! Come with me!

And so Mono and his men left a shrieking Neutro and proceeded to Lymph, where they actually joined forces with Influenza, betraying the worthless Master and Neutro. Neutro and what's left of them fought against the army of Influenza they met in Interstitional.

While at Interstitial...

Nuetro: Commando! You take Bacterium 1 to the left, i'll fight the other cohorts!

Commando: Yes, sir! I've extended my pseudopodium!

Neutro: Carry on! Carry on!

Commando: Engulfment, check!

Neutro: Time to carry out the Phagolysosome, Commando!

Commando: Yes, sir! (releases Lysosome)

Lysosome: Lysozyme discharged! Bacterium 1 destroyed!

Neutro: Bravo, men! Charge forward, forward, forward...

However, the mass of Influenza Bacterium were too heavy and the army was forced back into BloodStream.

Neutro was defeated..

Neutro: There's nothing else we can do, Commando. There's only one thing left to do...that is to wait and see. Our only hope left is Immune Sys. The rest have joined the enemy...

The army of Influenza managed to overcome the Second Line of Defence, what with Monocyte and the rest letting them in. And the last battle commenced.

Antibody 1: Antigen spotted! Antigen spotted!

Antibody 2: Eh? Antigen ar? Who's one? Weiii, i just fell asleep leh. (Sorry ar, tired with the good English liao)

Antibody 1: It's Za! Influenzaaaa!!! Waaaaa..!

Antibody 2: So? What you want me to do? Agglutinate? Neutralise? Opsonise? Or carry out Lysis ha? Faster liao.

Antibody 1: Agglutinate! Wait no, Phagocyte doesn't wanna work with us any longer. They won't capture Antigen after we clumped them.

Antibody 2: Like that i neutralise lorrr...

Antibody 1: We can't do that! Za's too strong for it, it has evolved, the toxins are harder to neutralise this time.

Antibody 2: Walao eh, you very loso. Like that I opsonise lor...

Antibody 1: No no no! Told you Phagocyte doesn't wanna help already! Which part of it do you not understand! What's the point of marking Antigen, huh huh huh?

Antibody 2: Then? Lysis ar?

Antibody 1: No no no!

Antibody 2: I sleep 1st laaa you decide then wake me up.

Antibody 1: Hey wake up! WAKE UP! WAKE UP!

Antibody 2: Zzz...

Antibody 1: Fine! We'll Agglutinate... No wait, we'll carry out Lysis, no, Neutralise. No! Opsonise! No no, won't work, Lysis i spose. No no no. Opsonise. No, Neutralise. No, no no...

And that was how it went one...with Antibody 1 ranting, and Antibody 2 sleeping on..

And so Influenza broke in and Master fell sick.

And ended the emo days of Master and she started taking note more of the true internal conflict raging.

Began appreciating Defence more than ever and took care of them and acknowledge them.

And they lived happily ever after. The End.

Moral of this Story: Appreciate your health, keep your thoughts positive. And don't revise Biology in excess.

2009-10-25T15:47:00.002+08:00

How long O Lord, will Your anger be forever?
How long O Lord, must my soul await in disdain?
I sought you in familiar faces,
I searched you in psalms and praise,
but you were not there.
I reached out my grappling arm
and cried out unto Your name.
Have mercy O Lord, on Your servant,
quieten this restless heart.
O God, how I love Your dwelling place,
the house where Your glory dwells.
For in it, am I secure
from the snares and clutches
of these wandering thoughts.
In it, can I bask in Your presence,
as you cause Your countenance to shine upon me.
Deliver me, Lord, this weary soul
faints only for Your saving grace.
And 'til then, for You alone
will my soul await in silence,
for You are my salvation.

-stringed with my own words some verses in the Bible; mostly Psalms.

2009-10-12T19:40:00.000+08:00

Time is very slow for those who wait,
very fast for those who are scared,
very long for those who lament,
very short for those who celebrate.
But for those who love, time is eternity.
--William Shakespeare

And in the Eucharist, i find everyone there...

How is it that i keep forgetting that?

The Conversation that never was.

2009-10-07T14:35:00.010+08:00

In the rare quietness of the house, with me just staring blindly at the computer screen... There suddenly a voice called out my name...

Voice: Sophiaa...

Bewildered, i looked around, but there was not a single soul in sight. I shook my head and continued my "What does your nostrils say about your attitude?" quiz on Facebook. As i was answering this question;

3. How many times do you dig your nose in a day?
a) Never
b) Once
c) Only at night
d) So many time i can't recall

...suddenly, the same raspy voice called out again!

Voice: Sophia... Can't you hear me?

I decided to reply, although stuttering.

Me: Y..ye..yes. I can. But w-where are you? W-w-who are y-you?
Voice: Have you forgotten me? But how could you?

I started spinning in my chair and covered my ears with my hand. But when i let them go, the voice continued...

Voice: I am your old flame. Your love. Your everything.
Me: But who are you??
Voice: My name is...Nescafe.

I let out a sharp gasp, my heart beating so fast it hurt.

Me: It's you...again! What do you want from me this time?!
Voice: Don't you...don't you miss me?

I dropped my head, ashamed.

Me: Of course i do, darling.
Voice: Then, why haven't you come to visit for months?
Me: I...I...I...
Voice: But why?!
Me: I can explain, love.
Voice: Then, explain! I'm listening.
Me: I couldn't help it, i really couldn't. But I had a new priority...i couldn't afford to see you anymore.
Voice: Why?
Me: My mum won't let me!

I was close to tears. Why didn't he understand?

Voice: Your mum? Again?
Me: Yes... and she introduced me to someone new:(
Voice: She dared?!?! Did she?! Who is it? Who made you change your heart?!
Me: H..his..His name's Lipton.

There was a dreaded moment of silence... A pin dropped and the both of us could hear the silence between us.

Voice: It's him... Do...do you love him?
Me: I really didn't! I swear i didn't! But i started to spend everyday with him..and i guess...i guess i started growing fond of him.

All i could hear was the sound of a small hiccup and i could hear Nescafe drawing in a deep breath. Uh-oh...

And then..he broke down.

Voice: How could you do this to me? We've been together for 13 years. How could you, how could you fall for someone you just met?
Me: It's not Lipton's fault! This is Gastric's fault. He batu-api'ed my mum:( Now, my mum doesn't trust you, she thinks you'll endanger me, put me to harm. But, but you'll always remain first in my heart! Although we're not allowed to meet anymore..Truly truly!
Voice: Then, why won't you come to me anymore?

And suddenly, something within me snapped.

There was a "pop" sound and suddenly, Nescafe showed himself. I couldn't take it anymore. Running and flailing my arms, i ran into his embrace. Who cares about Lipton, who cares about mother? It's just me...and Nescafe now ~~and my cousin in the background~~.

And we lived happily ever after. The end.

Author's Note: Please note that the above is entirely fictional and any resemblance to real life events were unintended. No Nescafe or Lipton were exposed to harm and danger in the process of publishing. (Closest i can get to writing a love story eh!)

Just my crazy little craving for coffee at the wrong time, have to replace it with tea instead these days hehe.

Damn, now it's calling out my name again! Should I?

Runaway Train

2009-10-07T12:59:00.003+08:00

Sometimes, i feel like this song.

Runaway Train - Soul Asylum

Call you up in the middle of the night
Like a firefly without a light
You were there like a slow torch burning
I was a key that could use a little turning

So tired that I couldn't even sleep
So many secrets I couldn't keep
Promised myself I wouldn't weep
One more promise I couldn't keep

It seems no one can help me now
I'm in too deep
There's no way out
This time I have really led myself astray

CHORUS
Runaway train never going back
Wrong way on a one way track
Seems like I should be getting somewhere
Somehow I'm neither here no there

Can you help me remember how to smile
Make it somehow all seem worthwhile
How on earth did I get so jaded
Life's mystery seems so faded

I can go where no one else can go
I know what no one else knows
Here I am just drownin' in the rain
With a ticket for a runaway train

Everything is cut and dry
Day and night, earth and sky
Somehow I just don't believe it

CHORUS

Bought a ticket for a runaway train
Like a madman laughin' at the rain
Little out of touch, little insane
Just easier than dealing with the pain

Runaway train never comin' back
Runaway train tearin' up the track
Runaway train burnin' in my veins
Runaway but it always seems the same

If you watched the video on youtube, it's used to bring awareness to the public about missing children and teenagers.

Runaway train, where are they? Sometimes, i look around and see that even in kids; my cousins, nieces, nephews... their eyes depict a certain kind of sadness. And then we wonder why some of them self- inflict hurt, why some of them grow up as problematic teenagers, why some of them have no opinion or ground of their own, why some parents do not treat their children with respect and love they're due.

During the 10th anniversary--for lack of better word- of the Columbian school shooting, one of the parents of the shooting victim was being interviewed, and he said something along those words, when asked if he was enraged,

"I do not blame the kid who did this. There isn't anyone to blame in this. It's just that...we've lost God."

I

2009-10-02T14:35:00.003+08:00

I’m blinded and you can’t see it,
I’m close and you won’t knock.

I choke on non- existent tears,
And you’re trapped in your own.

I drown in my transgressions,
And you wallow in self- pity.

I stare and know that though not alone,
I’m lonely.

How then can I, cling onto you,
Make you hold on tight till all slips away,
When you’re probably thinking the same,
About me.

Sometimes, it's funny how we only see ourselves standing alone in this world. And it makes us bitter, enraged, confused and hurt. Then from the inside out, we cry out, to no avail, because it isn't something audible or explainable with words. Then, we wonder if people around actually feel the same, if they even notice or realise the internal lashing. And because of that, there are people who inflict hurt- physical, emotional, mental and spiritual- upon themselves.

I guess, everyone has their own tune to their own cries. How good it is if we could just hear one another. Or maybe, we just choose not to, because we believe it only happens to us. And who knows, maybe it is really only us.

So, people stumble on straight- faced, laughing and oblivious, refusing to look at others in case they see themselves in there- actually uncertain of themselves.

Shout.Out.

2009-09-30T14:42:00.001+08:00

Darren Shan's gonna be released as a movie SOON!!!

Somebody get me to MBO!

Somebody change the dates for SPM!!!!

It's a Calls-Phobic Generation

2009-09-19T06:52:00.003+08:00

It's a calls-phobic generation and this isn't improving.

In a short span of a few years, i have come to realise that ~~i have~~ people in this current generation have grown calls-phobic, i.e. we don't make phone calls anymore.

Why?

Apparently, we now have a "more convenient" way of communication now; the SMS.

Why call when you can simply send a message?

"I'm sitting at the table across yours, i see you picking your nose."

Imagine calling people up to tell them that.

Why call when you can send your wishes via a message?

"Happy belated birthday for last year, happy birthday for this year and happy birthday in advance for all the years to come ~~now i don't need to waste more cents on you in future~~"

Why call when you can congratulate or send condolences via a message? The fact is humans are naturally bad at both. There, the saviour comes along to the human race; the SMS.

"Hey, my condolences, i heard you accidentally killed your house lizard. It must be terrible, i'm sorry..."

"Congratulations!!! You finally scored above 15 for yr addmath!:))"

Why call when you can insult and get your point across just via a msg?

"#!%$%@^%$@!#"

Why call when you can inquire via a msg?

"Mum, i'm in the bedroom, lemme know if you've seen my ~~Flinstones~~ pajama. I need it!!!"

Basically, WHY CALL?

There seem to be close to no need for for calls anymore.

Just like once upon a time, when the phone was invented, written letters and cards got pushed away to a corner.

Technology always has its pros and cons. But there is nothing like a card/ letter written from the heart or hearing a friend's voice over the phone. Even if it's ~~something unnecessary~~ just to ask how the day has been. Or to tell that there's still food in the kitchen. Or that class is canceled...etc etc etc. It's a manifestation and expression of love, care and concern. I could say a million things in a text message, but ultimately, you won't be able to feel what i'm saying. Or to note my tone. Or to catch my sarcasm. Or to hear my concern. Or to discern my mood.

So let's shake off this habit of sending messages just for the heck of it and revert back to phone calls! It's not easy of course, and probably it'll be awkward if people started calling one another up just to ask "So...What'd you have for breakfast?" but no harm trying aye?;)

Let's start by helping me fine- tune my skills on the phone because i can suck at them. ~~So i'm expecting phone calls from you people ah!!!~~ So forget typing people, just dial and i'll pick up:)

Some Random Stuff

2009-09-14T14:30:00.003+08:00

Grany's watching a Malay drama.

It's a scene of a father yada-ing at his son.

And the background music for it?

Some piano playing to the tune "My God Loves Me".

@#%$!^!#!@$#???????!!!!

---------------------

Food fair's over!
Been a while since such quality time and fun. Reminds me that i've such wonderful people all around, whether i see it or not. From my family to those through church, school, ycs to just kids and strangers.
Like a consolation to a week which started out quite on the downhill.
Response and support were pretty good.
And that again in itself tells of God's driving hand through it all. Whatever's provided and whoever's willing, He utilises.

---------------------

I cannot wait for Christmas.

---------------------

Sometimes, there can never be words big enough. The more you try to get the message across, the more frustrating it gets. But everything will be manifested in stillness and then, you'll just know. Know.

---------------------

"I will show you my faith by my actions." --James 2:18

---------------------

An interesting analogy;

What is the relationship between our Father in heaven and us?
It is this;
How often, as kids, do we sit on our parent's lap in the driver's seat of the car, to "steer" the steering?
The fact is, the father knows how to steer better, and the child is incapable of steering.

But, all these are done just for the delight of the father in the child and perhaps even vice versa.

---------------------

Frozen familiarity's dangerous.

---------------------

Public exam's coming. I'm relaxing.
Public exam's coming. All i can see is POST-SPM.

---------------------

I heard a really nice song by Brian Doerksen; "The River".

---------------------

I love this photo, ~~stolen from~~courtesy of Evelyn.

Where was heaven, the canvas?

---------------------

Lastly.
I'm sleepy.

Zzzz...

What i need...

2009-09-07T10:12:00.004+08:00

is two cups and a coffee machine..

and who the heck has time for that?

2-dayyy

2009-08-31T17:29:00.003+08:00

It's Independence Day. What does that mean and what is this 1Malaysia, this equality thing we talk about? I like what His Grace Archbishop John Ha mentioned, he quoted the PM that "the pillars of equality have shifted from tolerance to mutual acceptance".

Really? Is this another white-washed wall thing? Are we really done with the tolerance stage? Personally, i know it's not for me. Haha, not the most patriotic person remember? Don't get me wrong, i love the country, i especially love Sarawak, but it's no doubt we all need a better change.

Well, it's all subjective isn't it? That's the safest thing i can say because freedom of speech doesn't really sound like what it means here.

But, because it's Independence Day today, and because we should all realise that despite obvious flaws in the country leaders, i have promised myself to say some truthful and nice things about the country. (yeah you may start gasping and noting the time now--me, talking good of Msia, really!)

SO!

MALAYSIA! Yeahh!

Hang on pls, i really needa summon the spirit of patriotism, it's too deeply buried in me.

Okay. Malaysia.

First of, it is true that there is much beauty in living a multi-racial place. It is beautiful when i listen to stories my grandma can tell, talking about the community living she had with Malays(when they didn't mind their neighbours rearing pigs) and Chinese during the Japanese occupation when she escaped to Buntal. Unfortunately, and sadly such simple and honest ties are not much longer present. Too many things have been labeled as "sensitive" lately. All these covers have spoilt the true meaning of 1Malaysia. In fact, i think we have reverted from mutual acceptance to tolerance rather than the right way round. But, of course, I have met quite a number of people-Dayaks, Malays, Chinese alike who're willing to see pass differences and be open with one another. Malaysia is still relatively peaceful, especially for a multi- racial country, and it remains as something rather admirable.

Next, is the FOOD(actually i wanted to put this at 1st, but do...nevermind.)!!!
What more's there to say? FOOD. Speaks for itself. Who has anything to disagree with it?

And and...what else..it's tough to write this. Would've completed a page if i were talking about the cons.

Yes! There is no war here--not physical, at least. Unfortunately, i can't say the same for famine and poverty. As the Archbishop so aptly put it; God provided for the sparrows. God provided enough for us, but there are some who take more than is necessary and some who do not have enough. Wait, melencong... there's no war, no war, NO WAR, wheeeee..!

Next, is the richness of the land!!! but some ppl just have to take it for granted an..nevermind. The land is rich, we have all we need(well, we should)!

And oh yeah, the COFFEE!!! This is more specifically for Kuching tho. Cheap and good coffee. And all sorts of other beverages you cannot find elsewhere, like kantong, ABC, more and more...

The laid-back life here in Kuching. Where else can you find that? And remember it comes with kolo mee, laksa, tomato kueh teow, satay, nasi lemak, roti canai, kacang ma...

And last but the BIG thing; the people! Don't know abt S'jung, but Sarawak has the warmest, friendliest, most relaxed and nicest people(my aunt would tell me those adjectives synonym with being kepo but nevermind). Enough said.

And so, i'm so happy we're now 46 years independent! Oh yeeaaahhh!!!! although i can't understand why people are still living in atap houses and ministers in palaces, the trees are depleting, roads are still being modified here and there, unnecessary development is taking place...

BUT! I think i wanna take back all the nice things i said.

Because, i went to the Spring with my aunt and we got a summon ticket from JPJ for "reckless parking". But it's PRIVATE RESIDENCE, since when do we catch people for parking in PRIVATE COMPOUND?!?!~~oh yeah, since hari raya~~

HAPPY INDEPENDENCE TO Y'ALL! HOPE YOU HAD HAD A BLAST!!!!

2009-08-24T15:27:00.001+08:00

I need somebody
Not just anybody (Help)
You know I need someone

When I was younger, so much younger than today
I never needed anybody's help in any way
And now these days are gone
I'm not so self assured
Now I find I've changed my mind
I've opened up the doors

Help me if you can, I'm feeling down
And I do appreciate you being 'round
Help me get my feet back on the ground
Won't you please, please help me

And now my life has changed in oh, so many ways
My independence seems to vanish in the haze
But every now and then I feel so insecure
I know that I just need you like
I've never done before

Help me if you can, I'm feeling down
And I do appreciate you being 'round
Help me get my feet back on the ground
Won't you please, please help me, help me...

When I was younger, so much younger than today
I never needed anybody's help in any way
And now these days are gone
I'm not so self assured
Now I find I've changed my mind
I've opened up the doors

Help me if you can, I'm feeling down
And I do appreciate you being 'round
Help me get my feet back on the ground
Won't you please, please help me, help me, Oo

My New Found Love.

2009-08-24T12:40:00.005+08:00

I have a new love. The name's Add Math. Seriously! And I will prove my love for you, ~~moron~~ sweet- ums.

I love Add Math. I love Add Math. I love Add Math. I love Add Math. I love Add Math. I love Add Math. I love Add Math. I love Add Math. I love Add Math. I love Add Math. I love Add Math. I love Add Math. I love Add Math. I love Add Math. I love Add Math. I love Add Math. I love Add Math. I love Add Math. I love Add Math. I love Add Math. I love Add Math. I love Add Math. I love Add Math. I love Add Math. I love Add Math. I love Add Math. I love Add Math. I love Add Math. I love Add Math. I love Add Math. I love Add Math. I love Add Math. I love Add Math. I love Add Math. I love Add Math. I love Add Math. I love Add Math. I love Add Math. I love Add Math. I love Add Math. I love Add Math. I love Add Math. I love Add Math. I love Add Math. I love Add Math. I love Add Math. I love Add Math. I love Add Math. I love Add Math. I love Add Math. I love Add Math. I love Add Math. I love Add Math. I love Add Math. I love Add Math. I love Add Math. I love Add Math. I love Add Math. I love Add Math. I love Add Math. I love Add Math. I love Add Math. I love Add Math. I love Add Math. I love Add Math. I love Add Math. I love Add Math. I love Add Math. I love Add Math. I love Add Math. I love Add Math. I love Add Math. I love Add Math. I love Add Math. I love Add Math. I love Add Math. I love Add Math. I love Add Math. I love Add Math. I love Add Math. I love Add Math. I love Add Math. I love Add Math. I love Add Math. I love Add Math. I love Add Math. I love Add Math. I love Add Math. I love Add Math. I love Add Math. I love Add Math. I love Add Math. I love Add Math. I love Add Math. I love Add Math. I love Add Math. I love Add Math. I love Add Math. I love Add Math. I love Add Math. I love Add Math. I love Add Math. I love Add Math. I love Add Math. I love Add Math. I love Add Math. I love Add Math. I love Add Math. I love Add Math. I love Add Math. I love Add Math. I love Add Math. I love Add Math. I love Add Math. I love Add Math. I love Add Math. I love Add Math. I love Add Math. I love Add Math. I love Add Math. I love Add Math. I love Add Math. I love Add Math. I love Add Math. I love Add Math. I love Add Math. I love Add Math. I love Add Math. I love Add Math. I love Add Math. I love Add Math. I love Add Math. I love Add Math. I love Add Math. I love Add Math. I love Add Math. I love Add Math. I love Add Math. I love Add Math. I love Add Math. I love Add Math. I love Add Math. I love Add Math. I love Add Math. I love Add Math. I love Add Math. I love Add Math. I love Add Math. I love Add Math. I love Add Math. I love Add Math. I love Add Math. I love Add Math. I love Add Math. I love Add Math. I love Add Math. I love Add Math. I love Add Math. I love Add Math. I love Add Math. I love Add Math. I love Add Math. I love Add Math. I love Add Math. I love Add Math. I love Add Math. I love Add Math. I love Add Math. I love Add Math. I love Add Math. I love Add Math. I love Add Math. I love Add Math. I love Add Math. I love Add Math. I love Add Math. I love Add Math. I love Add Math. I love Add Math. I love Add Math. I love Add Math. I love Add Math. I love Add Math. I love Add Math. I love Add Math. I love Add Math. I love Add Math. I love Add Math. I love Add Math. I love Add Math. I love Add Math. I love Add Math. I love Add Math. I love Add Math. I love Add Math. I love Add Math. I love Add Math. I love Add Math. I love Add Math. I love Add Math. I love Add Math. I love Add Math. I love Add Math. I love Add Math.

I LOVE ADD MATH!!! I DO I DO I DO!!!

I feel better after declaring my endless love for this new love i found the first day of the school break. Add Math, love, you know i love you.

Disclaimer's: Please note that the above is entirely fictional and no harm has come upon the well- loved item, ie. Add Math under the subjection of this poor soul.

This is a mere attempt to convince myself that Add Math and i are meant to be.

Aren't we hmm, sugar pie?

~~oh yuck yuck yuck:S~~ desperate needs call for desperate measures...

???!??!!!??!!??

2009-08-21T14:48:00.003+08:00

Lately, our assemblies on Wednesdays have been done via the loud- hailers(or whatever you call those banshee shrieking machines). Not pleasant.

Anyway, the Principal dropped a bomb.

He announced two weeks ago that..

the school is now "Sekolah Cemerlang".

-~~burst into tears~~ applause!!!-

That, was not the final bomb. This week, as if to make things even ~~worse~~ more exciting, he went on saying...

"Kita mendapat RM 50 000 untuk pembangunan sekolah kita."

Like, wow.

That, however, was still not the final bomb. This, is the final bomb;

"Kita akan menggunakan RM 50 000 itu untuk membina galeri kejayaan sekolah."

#@%$&^!!!!

Life~

2009-08-13T14:06:00.007+08:00

We're learning Reproduction for biology. ~~Squeals!~~ So i was listening because ~~it's talking about reproduction!~~ they finally changed our biology teacher. Talking about the stages in pregnancy and how a foetus is formed today. And to make it more interesting, i suppose, the teacher showed us some videos. The last one depicted the stages from the formation of a zygote to birth.

How i've forgotten how videos like this always captures my attention and makes me wonder in amazement. (How could you not?!) I know it's funny in the video how the millions of sperms swam and bounced back from the ovum until the last one came carrying a rose and the ovum finally let him in.

Did i just say that?

Lemme rephrase:

I know it's entertaining how the video gives a different and less controversial view on that.

But watching it, isn't it such a miracle to just be alive? How could the existence of you and i just be a coincidence or accident? And we demand for miracles everyday, forgetting that we are already one. It also saddens me a bit, how could anyone actually decide to just ~~abort~~ kill their baby? The miracle of life is not something which lands in the laps, no matter how seemingly easy and indifferent we are about it.

"Before I formed you in the womb I knew you,

before you were born I set you apart;

I appointed you as a prophet to the nations.” --Jeremiah 1: 5

Innocent lives that could've and might've done wonders to the world, if only they were given that chance, and the decision whether they were given that chance or not can never depend on one person alone.

End of last year, during "Wonderfully Made" someone mentioned that abortion requires this metal piece (let's name it a "scrap"). When the scrap enters the womb and makes its way to scrap the foetus out, the foetus actually evades. Whatever the difficulties, the baby wants to live for goodness sake!
And that- is abortion, that is the truth. Abortion is not some fancy, simple process we like to imagine whereby the foetus just swims out by itself after taking pills or some other fairy tale as such.
And that was where i knew abortion was just wrong.
Of course, there are circumstances. And sometimes we can understand and feel sorry. Unfortunately, there are no justifications for taking away a life. In fact, i'm not exactly angry and condemning the people who choose abortion (after all i'm not in their shoes and i can't possibly tell what they go through). Rather, i just feel remorse for them.

Those are the things i thought of and felt anyway, when i watched the video.

Gasp. Does that like... make me weird? haha, but it doesn't matter, i know i am anyway:P

But i'm reminded to always live life to the fullest as much as i can. So should you! Just think about the heartaches and troubles people underwent to bring you to life:) and when you pop into earth, you are this troublemaker and your family had to teach you all the basic things. From holding a pencil, talking, playing in the rain, appreciating nature and a good book, letting loose to teaching you to shut up sometimes, letting you taste some first- hand pain, improving your temper, stopping you from behaving like a monkey-- oh wait that's just me.
All these just because they made that decision for you to live.

And lastly, if anyone is considering abortion (not i hope! :P), or if you happen to know (now and in future) someone who considers abortion...please please please, do your best to dissuade them. This is one of the only times where you're allowed not to listen to your parents' advice telling you not to poke into others' businesses alright?;) And pray the same for me as well, if such circumstances may come my way.

So, to those reading this out there, remember to live! And sorry if my posts have been more on the ~~emo~~ mellow side lately. Hehe, not exactly fired up about anything in particular at the moment.

Gah

2009-08-12T14:23:00.006+08:00

I'm looking through my old blog posts. Crazy! I sound so different. And take a look at some of the weirdest things i posted!

Dated 7th January '06

"Crazy Tracy,
She smells like rotten spaghetti
It also looks frizzy
She is so hairy
that makes her look so silly
I would definiitely not want her in my party
she'll make everything messy

LOL Just kidding k? No offense! *rolling with laughter"

And look at how different i sound; talking about a growth in my eye.

Dated 14th January 2007

"The Diagnose
Today, I had a most interesting experience. I went to see the eye specialist, Dr. Steven Wong; the one opposite Medan Pelita. My left eye had hurt for the past 2 days. So this morning, when I went for a check up, I told him my left upper eyelid hurt. By the way, he took me for a Malay-speaker til he checked my name and saw my aunt entering. Then he examined the eye with the torch, etc etc. He laughed at me, and he pressed the lower lid. Ouch! Okay, so it was my mistake, the LOWER lid hurt. Anyway, he diagnosed me with stye (direct translation from Hokkien would be "eye needle"). The doctor suggested cream and medicine to help the swell. Anyway, he checked my eyesight. Most amusing, my right eye didn't detect the same letters as the left eye did. He asked if I exercised regularly; I told him about once a week. It was not enough, and he told me to vary the exercises. After a few questions... He told me that I had signs of having diabetes in the furthur future. Great, just great. Well, anyway, that's to be worried in the 20 years to come, so let me continue. Dr. Steven told me the stye was pretty big, so he gave me an option. To operate it or to go for the medication. Well to prevent further growth, I took the 1st option.
The Operation
So, I lied on the bed and the nurse gave me 3 different drops of medicince. It was slightly numb. The doctor himself, later gave an injection at the side of the eye. I was surprised at how long the injection took. He poked the needle in, pushed the anesthetic, then pulled it slightly out, aimed for another vein(I think) and injected some anesthetic. I'm not very sure, but I think there were three parts which received the anesthetic altogether. So the numbness spread immediately and he took a tool. It was round at the end. He enclosed the tool at the "seed" of the stye. He took something like a... "pencungkil" and started getting rid of the stye. Even tough I was having a conversation with the doctor during the operation(it was about school), I could hear the sound of him trying to dig the stye. Haha, something like "TAK! TAK!"
The Cream
A tissue was pressed to my eye to stop the bleeding. I hadn't realised how bloody it had been til I saw the tissue. After a few minutes, the nurse applied some cream into the eye. It blurred my sight a lot. Then, I as free to go. I was given the same cream to be applied 3 times a day and anti biotic. I just received my second apply of cream, so therefore, pardon me of any typos.
Conclusion
It is really irritating to have an eye blurred. So, I realised how lucky we all are. It was hard and I was really nervous when I tried groping my way during lunch when we ate out. So, to everyone out there, with a good eyesight, appreciate it. And have a good exercise and cut your intake of sugar and fatty food. Ok, that's for myself. >.<"

and how protective i was about gay rights:S To make it clear, i felt they needed help. I'm against homosexuality, but don't condemn those involved.

Dated 5th September 2007

"Two days ago, during History, this was approximately what our Sejarah teacher said
"I condemn those gays." "Our agama teaches us..." "Angelina Jolie is a bisexual."
I think before anyone has the right to start condemning, we should understand the full situation. No one is asked to be born unusual and different from the others.
If we looked at this matter properly, we should understand that homosexuals, lesbiens, bisexuals, whatever you call them, are no different from us. They merely fall for the wrong gender. And hasn't the saying always say that love is never fair and wrong or right? Their right of loving shouldn't be ripped away by the society. I'm not at all saying that I agree with this unhealthy relationship of course, just that, has anyone (especially you Pn Norizan), actually ever tried to help? Common reactions of people towards gays and lesbiens are disgust and hatred. I ask you, if one day, you found out that your best friend is one, would you still accept him/ her? I would, because by then you would understand why that happened upon them.
I am sure no religion ever stated that God condemn those like that. He even forgives the prostitutes, why not these people? So then, who are we to condemn?

There are a few reasons why people are gay/ lesbien. Perhaps they were deeply hurt before by the opposite sex and hates the entire comminity of similar gender. So, somehow, they would turn to one of their own. After all, who would know them better other than their own kind?

P/S : If you're lazy, don't read the bolded phrases, they are just studies.

According to the Seattle Times, Sunday, June 19, 2005

"About 3 percent of American men and 1.5 percent of women describe themselves as gay or bisexual. Those percentages are three to five times higher among people who have a gay brother or sister."

Why does that happen then?
Read this statement from the same source

"The Corvallis herd includes a group of rams that scientists delicately refer to as "male-oriented." These animals consistently ignore females and bestow all their amorous attentions on members of their own sex.

Researcher Charles Roselli says a decade of study suggests sexual orientation is largely hard-wired into the sheep's brains before birth. Now, he's trying to figure out how that happens, zeroing in on genes and hormones. In a bold test of his ideas, he hopes to engineer the birth of gay rams by altering conditions in the womb.

Sheep aren't people, but the Oregon work adds to a growing body of research that bolsters biological explanations for sexual orientation across species — including humans."
See, it even happens to animals.

And in America, people are doing something about it, not condemning these people who are already so lost and confused.

"Despite those scientific findings, some religious groups say homosexuality is a lifestyle that can be treated, if not prevented. One such group, the conservative Christian organization Focus on the Family, is sponsoring a one-day conference in Bothell Saturday."

According to Dena Bodian, even genes influences this behaviour!

" Genes are not responsible for an individual's actions; they simply guide the "sequence of a particular protein that may influence behavior. However, it is possible that there is a genetic factor which is responsible for a protein synthesis resulting in particular sex hormone levels (namely testosterone and estrogen) which could augment certain sex-typical characteristics, and might explain sexual behavior"

According to Fred Delcomyn

"Mammals naturally develop as females "in the absence of sex hormones." Without the intervention of androgens (testicular hormones, specifically testosterone), all mammals develop in utero as female. Not only are the genitals identical in early fetal development but the hypothalami are the same size. In humans, the influx of testosterone occurs between the second and fifth month of pregnancy."

Yes boys, this means that you guys were girls for two months.

More studies,

" Hormones are responsible for activating specific neural circuits which in turn cause sex-specific behavior. In males, testosterone induces physical traits as well as "malelike behavior." Without testosterone, estrogen serves as the "default" hormone and causes female development. The term sex-specific behavior refers to gender-typical traits, whether the actions are themselves sexual (like rats mounting) or simply social (like young boys typically playing in a more aggressive manner than do girls)."

See, condemning homosexuals would actually mean condemning boys playing aggresively! Speak for yourselves, all you guys who think being gay is funny and disgusting!

From another web it says this

"Of the scientists who have concentrated on hormonal or psychoendocrinological studies of homosexuality, Günter Dörner, of Germany, is one of the best known. In the 1970s Dorner classified homosexuality as a "central nervous pseudohermaphroditism," meaning that he considered male homosexuals to have brains with the mating centers of women but, of course, the bodies of men. For decades endocrinologists had speculated that because male sex hormones are known to be responsible in human beings for masculine body characteristics and in animals for certain aspects of male sexual behavior, it follows that adult homosexual men should have lower levels of testosterone, or else higher levels of estrogen, in the bloodstream than adult heterosexual men, and that homosexual and heterosexual women should display the opposite pattern. This is known as the "adult hormonal theory" of sexual orientation, and Dorner claimed that some initial studies bore it out."

So basically, we can conclude that homosexuality happens because of the arrangement of estrogen and testosterone. (Who knows you guys, one day, you'd wake up without your male hormones! YOU WOULD BE GAY!) It isn't impossible you know. Anyway, it also happens because of psychology (which I haven't researched on but I think makes perfect sense). It happens because of up- bringing. It happens because of their genes. It happens because God gives opportunity for the society to help and understand. Never condemn them because we are no different. What's the point of being straight when the heart is crooked? According to Wikipedia, homosexuality "can refer to both sexual behavior or attraction between people of the same sex, or to a sexual orientation. When describing the latter, it refers to enduring sexual and romantic attraction towards those of the same sex, but not necessarily to sexual behavior."
Homosexuality doesn't mean evil.

P/S: Please, just because I did this doesn't mean I'm not straight okay. People keep saying that! I just think that we should be more understanding don't you think?"

Even weirder still, look at a BAHASA poem i composed.

Dated 5th December 2007

"Hari Ini
kedukaan menghadapi,
dengan penuh kesedaran dan pengetahuan,
bahawa tak akanlah bisa menjadi seperti kelmarin.
dakapilah sekarang dengan segala kemampuan,
kiralah saat- saat yang menghingapi ingatan,
serta dengupan gelora yang datang melamuni,
untuk membawa sisa- sisa masa pulang ke lautan meluas...
hari ini tetap menemui kenyataan,
sekarang inilah yang akan menjadi lampau,
bagi hari esok yang datang mencuba,
menggoda dan mengubah pertalian sedia ada.
bisakah dakapanmu terus menyediakan bayang?
masihkah senyuman itu dapat menutupi kekosongan jiwa?
sampailah kini di penghujung jalan,
tunduklah diri, tidak lagi dapat mara...
andai akan esok telah datang melayang,
membawa kembali bersama angin pedih,
kenangan sekarang...
mungkin jadi ini ratapan kebimbangan,
juga sebak mengetahui,
akan perubahan keesokan.
peganglah tangan ini,
rapatilah keletihan mata,
agar semua jadi mimpi...
mimpi yang tak akan bangun
agar kebenaran hari ini,
tak akanlah menjadi bayangan besok hari.
~*~
Okay, I know, strange of me. Only my second work ever in Bahasa. Changes are happening lately in my life, and to everyone else out there who's going through them to, here's to you. It isn't called Life without obstacles so hang in there."

Yes, strange! Actually, i apparently chose the nicer sounding posts to share but going through the rest.. gah, i sounded like a 3 year old asking for ice cream! haha and it kinda reminds me how my values, opinions and character have changed through those times (coverline for sounding to pathetic last time hahaha)

What to put here?

2009-08-08T22:08:00.005+08:00

"Our true friends are those who are with us when the good things happen. They cheer us on and are pleased with our triumphs. False friends only appear at difficult times, with their sad, supportive faces, when in fact, our suffering is serving to console them for their miserable lives."

--The Zahir by Paulo Coelho

haha, an interesting perspective quite on the contrary to what we have gotten used to; that true friends are those who are with us during our hard times. I quite agree with both, all depending on circumstances. It reminds me not to forget to appreciate the friends i have who had laughed along the way with me and in their own ways, brought out the best in me. Also, to cherish those who were sincerely there along the way, and of course, in their own different ways, bringing out the best in me as well.

you guys are like two opposite sides of the same coin:) with different approaches but in my life all the same.

I will Love you, always.

2009-07-31T22:31:00.004+08:00

Warning: Long post ahead, bear with me.

I went out for lunch today and had a good time with a couple of friends today and then went back with Evelyn to her house due to certain reasons; coughjuliecoughcough. While i was waiting, she had to get some things done and passed me lotsa reading materials. Among them were the 3rd edition of E.R. magazine, her AYD5 Moduls and a certain book she has (i don't remember the title) which elaborated on the parables used in the Bible, very thoroughly.

So, i started flipping through the E.R. magazine 1st. Picked and chose to read some sharings and i reached one which stood out to me. Don't remember the exact title, but it was a sharing on friendships. Let me, in my own words, explain. The author pointed out a question, one many of us at times dare not delve into and face our own doubts; What and who is a true friend? Do friendships last forever?

He went on with his experience, that in life, we lose so many of our friends to all sorts of things. And no matter how we try, especially at times when the realisation smacks us, we find that we don't have the power in our hands to save that certain friendship. The sharing was concluded with the reasoning i was familiar with; that we tend to lose our friends when their mission to touch us, teach us and guide us is completed. And though, in many ways, it is true, it still saddens me. I've been thinking about this too, losing your loved ones and it isn't the most uplifting thought one can have. It has happened, time and again for me, just drifting apart from friends i used to be close with, losing the sense of communication due to various reasons like immaturity, time constraint, distance etc. Of course, it's part and parcel of life. And that read only pronounced my sense of cliff- hanging more.

Pushing the thought aside because ~~it's not good to go all emo at people's house~~ it can't be helped at that moment anyway, i read through other things until Evelyn came down to get something and pointed out that book she brought to ASC the other time. Don't know why i hadn't noticed it lying on the table earlier, haha. Then for the hundredth time, she had to bounce back upstairs again. So, i took the book and read la.

The first parable was..the Prodigal Son. Which also happened to be something i'm thinking of lately. Well, ~~how could you not if you had to read many times for Bible knowledge trial so that it's stuck in your brain~~ it just appealed to me for some reason. Just if you wanna read,

11Jesus continued: "There was a man who had two sons. 12The younger one said to his father, 'Father, give me my share of the estate.' So he divided his property between them.

13"Not long after that, the younger son got together all he had, set off for a distant country and there squandered his wealth in wild living. 14After he had spent everything, there was a severe famine in that whole country, and he began to be in need. 15So he went and hired himself out to a citizen of that country, who sent him to his fields to feed pigs. 16He longed to fill his stomach with the pods that the pigs were eating, but no one gave him anything.

17"When he came to his senses, he said, 'How many of my father's hired men have food to spare, and here I am starving to death! 18I will set out and go back to my father and say to him: Father, I have sinned against heaven and against you. 19I am no longer worthy to be called your son; make me like one of your hired men.' 20So he got up and went to his father.
"But while he was still a long way off, his father saw him and was filled with compassion for him; he ran to his son, threw his arms around him and kissed him.

21"The son said to him, 'Father, I have sinned against heaven and against you. I am no longer worthy to be called your son.[a]'

22"But the father said to his servants, 'Quick! Bring the best robe and put it on him. Put a ring on his finger and sandals on his feet. 23Bring the fattened calf and kill it. Let's have a feast and celebrate. 24For this son of mine was dead and is alive again; he was lost and is found.' So they began to celebrate.

25"Meanwhile, the older son was in the field. When he came near the house, he heard music and dancing. 26So he called one of the servants and asked him what was going on. 27'Your brother has come,' he replied, 'and your father has killed the fattened calf because he has him back safe and sound.'

28"The older brother became angry and refused to go in. So his father went out and pleaded with him. 29But he answered his father, 'Look! All these years I've been slaving for you and never disobeyed your orders. Yet you never gave me even a young goat so I could celebrate with my friends. 30But when this son of yours who has squandered your property with prostitutes comes home, you kill the fattened calf for him!'

31" 'My son,' the father said, 'you are always with me, and everything I have is yours. 32But we had to celebrate and be glad, because this brother of yours was dead and is alive again; he was lost and is found.' "

I read on and it briefly gave an account of the significance of some parts in the parable and of the customs and background. It went on to talk about love and that's when the author divided it into "four parts". The first was, Loving one to Existence. Speaks of creating love, which has resulted in our existing. Amusing again, because just last night we were chatting online about a closely-related topic.

The next part was the climax; I Will Love You, Always. I stopped reading after this part. The theme I Will Love You Always is taken from a song and when it was sung, there were people who questioned, "Why always? Why not; I will love you Thursday." or something like that, because whose love lasts forever? There comes moments in life, when we cease to love someone, even if just for the briefest of moments. The Prodigal Son was running away from everything, but in the end he came to his senses and returned to his father. And what did the father do, without questions, without holding back, he embraced the son and gave the best to him. That is "I Will Love You, Always." The desire to hold onto someone, to not let go and the longing that he receives the best; those surpasses time and is a constant hope. When i read this, it struck me that in some ways that it's exactly what i need to read at the moment. There are times, especially lately, when i feel so hopeless, as i watch people i care around me drown and that when i try, my outstretched arm isn't taken by them. It stings so when that happens. The verse, "much more is expected to whom much more is given to" kept replaying itself. But when i read that book, i faced the fact that we can't keep anyone forever.
If we could...where does that leave God?
Though i want so much to, i cannot stretch out my arm to everybody. That, is the work of Jesus as he stretched out his arm to Peter and i can only offer myself as an instrument for that.

What else does it matter? The assurance i am left with is that, when i cannot be there for people, the Father can, and at any point.. when i fail to love you always, God can.

Et tu Brute? Et tu?

2009-07-28T22:31:00.006+08:00

Et tu? You too? Then, fall Caesar.
Interesting isn't it, how an action can speak so much louder and cut through more than anything else in the world?

Sorry, the title isn't that all that relevant. I should be revising for Bible knowledge at the moment. But just some random wonders.

How fragile is life? If you let go, the glass falls and breaks, if you hold on tight, it breaks too.

What makes a mature person; one who confronts or one who keeps silent?

No greater love hath a man than this; that he lay down his life for another. What i will not give to see you happy?

What does it take to burn out a person, and what does it take for restoration?

These are just some wonders i have for the moment.. and yet, in a book i once read... "the beauty in a wonder is that it never gets answered. you look at the sky in wonder, and are amazed. you look in wonder into your loved ones eyes, and that's the beauty of wonder".

Weird huh?

Installation

2009-07-17T14:47:00.006+08:00

Isn't in funny how a year passes so swiftly by without us realising it? This is weird, because i'm feeling what i should feel on New Year's Eve or something. I didn't realise it's been a year since WYD, almost two years since my confirmation and LSS (which sorta started the ball rolling), a year+ since i went to BSC, a year since i first joined BLYCS, become a committee in BLYCS, and only slightly more than a year since i started going back to church.

It's been a year. What can i say? How could i be more gratified for the things i've been blessed with? The people who've come into my life, stayed on, people who come and go.

We had the Installation for BLYCS's incoming committee just now. About this time last year (actually a little later in the month), we were the incoming committee. And now we're out. I'm amused with it all. I was asked by someone recently, about what made me join YCS when before, i was actually in ISCF before i became this stray sheep for a year or so. I won't describe to the fullest, but reflecting on it only makes it clearer to me that God never fails. Man proposes, God disposes. We all have our dreams and hope, but sometimes, He'll just pop in and let you know that your plans are going the wrong way. Then you'll protest at 1st, but then you'll realise it's exactly what you needed. "You won't be where you're not supposed to be," a friend told me once. True.

Then i encountered this question, which has been disturbing myself, for a long long time too. (That's why i didn't answer you directly, btw, Claudia, no offense hehe). This time, next year, where do i plan to be and what do i plan to do? I'd gladly love very much to tell you that i'll get myself a scholarship to UK, or to Australia or the least to KL and that i'll be doing something like pharmacy or the such. Etc etc etc.

I'd gladly want to tell you that, but nope. That might or might not happen. The thing is, i love kuching and everything in it too much. So, all i can say is this time next year, may i be wherever i'm supposed to be, wherever i'm needed.

Gah, i just realised this is getting so far- fetched from my title. So back to it. The Installation. As tradition, the outgoing committee passed our candles to those succeeding us, as a symbol of passing the light of Christ. And we had the washing of feet, to remind us that, humility is ever so important. To remind the incoming leaders that bearing the responsibility now, they must always remember to bend down and serve others, just as Jesus did.

And personally for me, it's been a life experience being a committee member in YCS. Wonderful people in the committee. I've grown from simply accepting it as my responsibility to loving it. All the fund- raising activities and support. All the people i was meant to meet through YCS. The success of ASC. All the blessings through YCS. All these which affirmed us all. All the-

Then, my one year term ended.

Haha, anti- climax there i know!

So, really, i'm still struggling as a student, still struggling with life. But when one door closes, bigger doors of opportunity are bound to open! Just gotta live life. So ~~screw SPM, who cares?~~ relax people, don't miss out the small things in life which are usually the best things, and keep going.

And since we're celebrating Christ the Good Shepherd this Sunday, and everything seems to correspond with it; leaders handpicked to lead the flock, Ralph referring to me as a sheep then passing me a laminated Good Shepherd card with a message, the urgency to prepare for SPM..here's Psalm 23;

The Lord is my Shepherd; I shall not want.
He maketh me to lie down in green pastures:
He leadeth me beside the still waters.
He restoreth my soul:
He leadeth me in the paths of righteousness for His name' sake.

Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,
I will fear no evil: For thou art with me;
Thy rod and thy staff, they comfort me.
Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies;
Thou annointest my head with oil; My cup runneth over.

Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life,
and I will dwell in the House of the Lord forever.

Snaps A year.

2009-07-10T23:06:00.002+08:00

I remember, last year, today, at this time we were on the plane to Melbourne. Probably, during preparation phase, i didn't show the due enthusiasm given World Youth Day being such a big and international event. But somewhere, deep within, it felt very right that i was going.

Going up Mt. Singai before that, and Camp Permai, WYDVC etc, they were sorta pre-pilgrimages for me, getting to know those making the journey together with you- figuratively maybe, for life. The things i love during World Youth Day? The Days in the Diocese in Melb.(i loved!), the Commissioning Mass which was just uplifting, Mass everyday at Sydney, Taize, meeting the Pope and youths all over, the Latin used in Mass, the German Mass. Even the less significant things like the train rides strangely, the walking and the greenery, the weather, the houses in Aus, coffee everyday, having hillsongs and guy sebastian sing live, ~~the community bathroom~~.

Anyway, despite community living (which also, inevitably means clash in opinions etc) WYDo8 was, is and will be my step of faith. It was the manifestation of God's big affirmation to me, it became the stone which set it all rolling, doing this through people i've come by in life and opportunities provided me. And for that, i just wanted to share and reflect once again, a personal experience which cannot be placed in words. But in faith, i believe those who share in fellowship together, those who traveled the same journey whether only in prayer or also physically, there we share in Christ.

A big thank you to those who have touched my life, continuing to do so, especially family and friends. In your hearts, i hope you know who you are:) And of course, to the big guy up there, always.

Train- Drops of Jupiter

2009-07-09T17:10:00.003+08:00

Video by Train
Drops of Jupiter

First time i'm reviewing a song in the blog. The lead singer, Pat wrote it. He was facing the death of his mother due to cancer and the producer was pressuring the band to come up with a break through song. So he retreated to somewhere else by himself and he got the inspiration after he went to sleep, dreamt and woke up. "The words just came" according to him. Hope you like it too :)

And did you miss me while you were looking at yourself out there?

Now that she's back in the atmosphere
With drops of jupiter in her hair, hey, hey
She acts like summer and walks like rain
Reminds me that there's time to change, hey, hey
Since the return from her stay on the moon
She listens like spring and she talks like june, hey, hey

Tell me did you sail across the sun
Did you make it to the milky way to see the lights all faded
And that heaven is overrated

Tell me, did you fall for a shooting star
One without a permanent scar
And did you miss me while you were looking at yourself out there

Now that she's back from that soul vacation
Tracing her way through the constellation, hey, hey
She checks out mozart while she does tae-bo
Reminds me that there's time to grow, hey, hey

Now that she's back in the atmosphere
I'm afraid that she might think of me as plain ol' jane
Told a story about a man who is too afraid to fly so he never did land

Tell me did the wind sweep you off your feet
Did you finally get the chance to dance along the light of day
And head back to the milky way
And tell me, did venus blow your mind
Was it everything you wanted to find
And did you miss me while you were looking for yourself out there

Can you imagine no love, pride, deep-fried chicken
Your best friend always sticking up for you even when I know you're wrong
Can you imagine no first dance, freeze dried romance five-hour phone
Conversation
The best soy latte that you ever had . . . and me

Tell me did the wind sweep you off your feet
Did you finally get the chance to dance along the light of day
And head back toward the milky way

Repeat 1st chorus

Fell- fail

2009-07-01T13:45:00.002+08:00

Was watching this programme; Green Matters on tv the other day. They were filming in Kenya, Africa. What i felt about it? Shame.

The people in Kenya, poor though they are, are actually carrying out realistic measures to save their environment, their greenery. Reason being, their nature is scarce. You see, they collect used materials such as cut grass and twigs. They dry them into, what they call as bricket-- recycled to be used again. And why do all of them venture into such efforts? For their own lives, and for the future generation. Kenya is a dry place of course, and they have little trees growing there. For that, the government actually bans the felling of trees in Kenya to save resources. If they were to continue cutting the trees there, guess what, even oxygen would become scarce for them.

And here, in Malaysia, in Sarawak, in Kuching, what're we doing?? Felling trees pompously. Taking our rich resources for granted. Those broccoli-- which we see as less important compared to the new roller coaster ride from Simpang 3 to the Airport, if thrown to Kenya would've done them wonders. And then, we actually have the cheek to appeal to public to buy trees RM50 per seedling!

Okay maybe we should put that aside. Perhaps we have no power in that. But how about our daily activities? How many times do we take out a fresh sheet of A4 paper, scribble a few words on it, decide it isn't appropriate and just crumple the paper up and wham-- it goes into the rubbish bin. Or use them as paper balls? How often do we pick vegetables out of our food? How many times do we forget to be grateful that we have sufficient and a variety of good food (for now)? How many times do we conveniently throw our empty plastic bottles and drink cans into the thrash? ~~How many unnecessary sheets of paper do we use for every exam?~~ The list goes on, if only we'd pause and reflect.

I know i'm guilty of all the mentioned above (otherwise i wouldn't have been able to list them out) but maybe it's high time we all started little by little each day. It's easy to take things for granted, to say that Sarawak is blessed with resources, but they deplete and it's something we should start facing. Instead of shying from that truth and go about each day as though we're the most care-free creatures in the world, let's start by taking small, seemingly-ineffective individualistic steps as a start.

I entrust my role to you readers. Keep me in check! When i pick out my vege in my food, knock my head. When i throw still usable paper away, make me take it back. When i complain, silence me. Etc etc etc, you know what to do.

And if you too, feel the same way i do, then it's time we do something together. Leave a comment, show the blogosphere you care, and start today! (Sorry la, sounds like i'm some salesperson yelling out propaganda hehe).

Adapted from Ralph;
I'm not saying, "You must do this, you must save Mother Earth."

All I'm saying is..."Are you up to taking the challenge nature is posing to you?"

“The journey of a thousand leagues begins with a single step. So we must never neglect any work of peace within our reach, however small.” --Adlai E. Stevenson

Budaya S.M.S

2009-06-24T14:33:00.004+08:00

Text me later.

Honestly, how many times do we hear that these days? So often, that i'm beginning to wonder how i passed the first 12 years of my early life without hand phone. Anyway, the thing which irritates me most about the hand phone is--believe it or not-- the short messaging system. And what in the world are things like;

major swt, lol, okay i'm sry.

initially i would've interpreted this as

"major sweet, lol, okay i'm surly."

Honestly! If i could say something to my friends out there who send messages often;

"When i talk to you, look me in the eye and stop looking at your phone."

"When i talk to you, stop fiddling with your phone."

"When i talk to you, stop pretending you're listening by nodding yet at the same time continue typing on your phone."

Heh, though i'm guilty of some of those as well at times. Just try...refrain from those won't ya. Show some due respect to whoever are around you.

And if i could say anything to strangers out there who send messages often;

"If you wanna cross the road, cross the road, FAST. That means no crossing the road while typing a message! What's bigger, you or my car-- technically my dad's car la."

"Don't just fumble with your phone and turn oblivious to the world. Hoi? The line in the q just moved forwards, you wanna order or not?"

I don't know, lately, i've something against this budaya sms. I feel like it's robbed us of our abilities to socialise-- normally that is. How often when we need to apologise to someone do we look for them? Nope, the easy way out. Start t y p i n g a
message.

"Hey, look, i'm sorry."

And how's the person receiving that going to know for sure if you really are sorry?

Or, when we need to clarify a misunderstanding, yeahh! just take out the phone and start typing...

"I must explain this to you. Today, i didn't mean to ram into you and then run off. It was just that i was so fascinated when i saw the chicken... that was my first time seeing one you know! My friend in Spore used to tell me that chickens had no feathers!"
yada yada. (the chicken without feathers part? yeah it's true, the kids in Spore never seen a live chicken before, so to them, chickens are featherless).

Or, when facing a dilemma,

"I need to talk to you. I'm facing this situation where..."

That's funny, you're not talking, you're typing there. Though again, i'm guilty of most of the above. I don't know, i can't help but imagine that one day, two persons could be standing next to each other and they'll have to communicate with each other through this puny gadget known as the phone.

Sigh. Somebody. Save our souls!

Some Thoughts

2009-06-21T20:43:00.002+08:00

Once you reached the peak of the mountain, you'll have to come down...and usually, steep.

Funny isn't it

-how man complicate matters which were supposed to be simple.

-how trust takes ages to build and minutes to break.

-how we try to reach out and at the same time, hold back.

-how we claim to be convicted yet our actions show otherwise.

-how our head contradicts our heart.

-how easily we judge others but not ourselves.

-how one moment you're at flight, and the next drowning.

-how life is a cycle.

-how much we can do and on other times, how little.

-how little faith we have.

* On random note: They're felling trees again along BDC! Thanks a lot, as if the weather isn't hot enough.

Back!

2009-06-15T15:37:00.001+08:00

Found the reason(s) why i was meant to go to ASC but it's kinda personal so i'll skip that. Just sharing a little, initially, i wasn't looking forward to staying at St. Lukas at all. As Julie would've put it, "without any social support.." studies and stuff, was quite a hard decision to make. But obviously, i made good friends with some nutter there -coughjuliecoughjuliecoughcough-. Well, i was amazed actually during the 1st few days. When they said Asian Session and Council, it didn't really mean much to me, but i was blown away when i realised that it literally means that. Only then did it dawn on my the KYCS was hosting representatives from all over Asia, i.e, Korea, China, India, Sri Lanka, etc etc.

It was great being in the Intercessory Ministry (or should i say trio???). Felt like one of those things where you just know you made the right decision. But of course, it wasn't easy at 1st. What in the world was a purificator, sole etc anyway?

As for the sessions, well, they weren't as striking but it did make an impact one way or another. Students strive for a greener and just world. A realisation through all the videos that while i'm here picking vege off my food, there are people starving in the world due to ~~corruption~~ lousy food distribution. And that the Earth IS depleting, like it or not.

Spiritually, on the other hand, i grew. I loved the chapel. The fact that there was easy and free access to it the entire time. And the Taize and confession. Can't put it into words. Just hope that others felt the same.

Just to end this and make it less lengthy, just wanna thank everyone for making me feel at home. Affirmations. We were sharing on how important they are and how sometimes human beings just need them.

Julie- for being a great leader and motivator but most of all, for teaching me to abandon some of my skepticism (yeah you did haha) and being my partner in crime.
Alistair- for being brotherly and caring. Remember this? oOo
Evelyn- for your fun and for appreciating my lameness. heya, sexayy haha.
John Paul- for..gosh, i don't know. *arrrr*? hehe.
Julian- for being my friend instead of just a classmate now.
Bryan- for the friendship.
David John- for ~~laughing about people with me~~ sharing many things in common.
Claudia- for teaching me the virtue of patience and kindness.
Ralph- for taking up the responsibility and holding us together apiece.
Marcella- for sharing that annoying wavy hair.
Fr. Felix- for teaching altar server language patiently.

Also Asian Team, Lucy & Stephanie, all the ministry leaders, the delegates and priests, etc etc. Those back in Kuching praying for us, family and friends. Now that was important. Anyway, i could go on and on forever but won't wanna make it too lengthy eh. Basically i gained much from everyone even when i don't show/ say it. Last but most importantly, the big guy up there for choosing me.
Haha, a big thank you.

Asian Session & Council (ASC)

2009-06-02T13:40:00.004+08:00

Got something to talk about! ohh yeahh. Tomorrow onwards til 14th, will be staying over at St. Lukas, Padawan. I was dreading it a little--a lot-- at 1st, deciding to stay for the 10 days of the holidays more out of that feeling of obligation than anything else. But i guess there are always reasons for wherever we are and whatever we are to do. After going up there for preparation and clean- up on Saturday, i realised there just has to be a reason for this, despite SPM drawing near. I might as well try my best to make the best of the stay and appreciate the international chance not everyone else has. And the best thing?? The privilege of easy access to the chapel up there. As Ralph put it, "you intercessory people, pft, have that privilege of being closest to God."

So, anyway, though i'll be missing BSC and everyone else i'm leaving behind (cmon give me that chance to sound dramatic for once), i will make the best of the time i have there! So, keep me and ASC in your prayers!

Just fyi, ASC's theme is "called to be stewards of Creation, students strive for a green and just world". Exactly what we need. A better and greener environment and more importantly a "greener" heart.

Pls bear with me if i come back sounding ever more environmentalist than before.
I'll keep this updated!

Of Nothing.

2009-05-28T13:50:00.000+08:00

Wrote this yesterday but didn't get to post it;

Short talk.

When I was a kid and got my ulcer...

Me: Mum, I got an ulcer.
Mum (in sarcasm): Drink too much water huh?
Being the idiot i was, i actually abstained from water the whole day.

Anyway,
I'm going through blogs of others and i suddenly realise quite a distinct difference between mine and everyone else's. I'm suddenly amazed at all the things other people have to say, about their life happenings and their experiences or even feelings. Obviously my blog provides scarce--if not none- of those. I wonder why. Going through my old posts, those better ones are mostly my complaints. Complain about school, about people, about the government etc etc.

It's time to get a life! What a sad case, i've got nothing else to share besides words of complaint. Let's try...

We're having tests now!

Well, see, i can't really think of any elaboration to that. Besides the fact that we get home slightly earlier than usual.

............................

No other happenings in life besides that.
HELP!

That's all i have to say for now.
Err, stayed tuned?

V for Vendetta

2009-05-22T23:33:00.002+08:00

Quote V;

"Voilà! In view, a humble vaudevillian veteran, cast vicariously as both victim and villain by the vicissitudes of Fate. This visage, no mere veneer of vanity, is a vestige of the vox populi, now vacant, vanished. However, this valorous visitation of a by-gone vexation, stands vivified and has vowed to vanquish these venal and virulent vermin van-guarding vice and vouchsafing the violently vicious and voracious violation of volition.
The only verdict is vengeance; a vendetta, held as a votive, not in vain, for the value and veracity of such shall one day vindicate the vigilant and the virtuous.
Verily, this vichyssoise of verbiage veers most verbose, so let me simply add that it's my very good honor to meet you and you may call me V."

Haha!

"People shouldn't be afraid of their government, governments should be afraid of their people!"

"Beneath this mask there is more than flesh. Beneath this mask there is an idea, Mr. Creedy, and ideas are bulletproof."

"The Gunpowder Treason and Plot,
I can think of no reason
Why the Gunpowder Treason
Should ever be forgot.
Guy Fawkes, Guy Fawkes, t'was his intent
To blow up the King and Parli'ment.
Three-score barrels of powder below
To prove old England's overthrow;
By God's providence he was catch'd
With a dark lantern and burning match.
Holloa boys, holloa boys, let the bells ring.
Holloa boys, holloa boys, God save the King"

Anyone got the disc? i just gotta rewatch this.

This Sexy Thing --that is--my blog.

2009-05-21T13:40:00.005+08:00

Yuck, nowadays even blogging isn't safe... :(

i dont mind teachers reading, but to take everything i have expressed here or in my old blog personally.. this is the wrong place for you then. freedom of speech, hah. we've become bounded by school rules even outside school now. i better get myself an editor or end up being like swak tribune :(((((

Runs in the Generation, eh!

2009-05-20T17:12:00.002+08:00

Lately, these few days that is, i've been reminded and shown of something.

THE UNDYING ONG-TIANG-SWEE-IAN spirit.

I know, I know, some annoyed desperate looks from you people...
cough-joycetingcoughcoughjoycetingcough...

Anyway, I remember when we first stepped into Batu Lintang from Ong Tiang Swee, we were so...proud for some reason, that we were from OTS. And then a teacher asked the class about their former schools. At the mention of OTS, somehow those of us from that primary school, would just raise up ours hands, with such a surge of pride which i suppose back then annoyed everybody else. I've kinda forgotten and lost that feeling through the years in secondary school but suddenly i'm reminded of that again. By a teacher. Hint hint, one of our new trainees in school. She told me she was from OTS primary school, and the way she said it, haha! The exact same tone i used years back. HAH! As if OTS were some prestigious school. And I told her that i was from OTS too, with that annoyingly exact same tone. And we began discussing about the weird pride thingy and when i relayed about it to her, she said that when she 1st entered Form 1 in Batu Lintang, the exact same thing happened. Sigh, OTS-ians, you vain people..
The best thing about it?? As far as i see, that spirit's been running from 4 years my senior to my generation and probably the next generation after this. So that's 6 years in all, and probably more.

It's weird, but it's something i really treasure, that mutual bond. It's like as long as you mention that you're from OTS, i'd warm up to you almost immediately. Personally, OTS was sorta my comfort zone, my haven for 6 years. Was where i developed who i am today. Was where there existed only fun, and no revision books days. Was where the teachers were more humane and personal and sporting, fun and caring. Not that i don't have those kind now but they're harder to find. So, whatever it is, i know i'd always smile and probably give that sorta smug look on my face anytime anyone in the future tells me they're from OTS. That'd never die. So, bear with us...OTS-ians.

-smug look.

2009-05-09T23:18:00.000+08:00

Children, let us love not in word or speech
but in deed and truth.
Now this is how we shall know that we belong to the truth
and reassure our hearts before him
in whatever our hearts condemn,
for God is greater than our hearts and knows everything.
Beloved, if our hearts do not condemn us,
we have confidence in God
and receive from him whatever we ask,
because we keep his commandments and do what pleases him.
And his commandment is this:
we should believe in the name of his Son, Jesus Christ,
and love one another just as he commanded us.
Those who keep his commandments remain in him, and he in them,
and the way we know that he remains in us
is from the Spirit he gave us.

1 John 3: 18-24

Afresh, Anew

2009-04-30T16:57:00.004+08:00

As you've noticed, or haven't, I've changed my blog title. As it suggests, i'm sorta starting over anew in certain aspects of my life. But, do not expect to see a whole new different person the next time you see me, haha. So, i'm just trying my best to walk on towards the rightest path i can find. Trying not to let what has passed blind me in this journey. So, i will try to start anew, keep a mind as free from prejudice and judgment as possible which has been tough for me. Metaphorically, this is my new season, the old spring summer autumn and winter has passed and this time i'll have a fresh pile of snow to start on with prints made on the previous i had considered ugly erased and covered under fresh piles of snow, never to be rediscoverd.

join me while i walk on?

2009-04-24T15:29:00.002+08:00

Peace> Mercy> Humility> Grace> Wisdom

Rings any bell to anyone? Pls share. Or maybe just random thoughts

The Classic Asian

2009-04-01T23:38:00.003+08:00

So, what do you do when you feel wide awake (when you shouldn't be because you know it's running on sheer adrenaline which would fail you the following day) and there's no one online, and you've done most of the things you should?

You think of something to complain about...or maybe that only applies to me.

So yeah! Here are some of the classic things Asians undeniably love to do which irritate me, though unfortunately I do these at times too! What, if you can't beat 'em, join 'em right?

Anyway...

The Ultimate No. ONE!!!
(Divided into subs, kekekeh).
a) Failing terribly at responding to compliments.
For example...
A: Hey, you look good today!
B: Ha??? -long pause- -feeble smile-

b) Failing terribly to be gracious.
For example...
A: Waaa, nice bag lah!
B: No lah no la, yours nicer. Mine, buy at MJC onlyy..

c) Trying too hard to act humble. As my friend said ~~there's a difference between being dumb and humble~~ humble doesn't mean pushing sincere compliments away.
For example...
A: That's a great idea, you're so smart! (Well of course, when this is said nicely).
B: Nooo.. I'm stupid... You're smarter than me...-add dramatic sigh here and emo look maybe (Honestly!)

The Ultimate Number TWO!!!
Blaming "Ingenuity"!
For example...
A: Try harder next exam, you can do it.
B: Can't... You definitely can la, cause you're smarter. I'm not that good, surely can't score A.
A: !!!!!
Ouch, yknow what this means? The hard work and blood and sweat of others have just been considered nothing but luck.

Whatever happened to the simple word "thank you" and showing some gratitude?

The Ultimate Number THREE!!!
Kiasu-ism!
Regardless of where, who, how and why, Asians are renowned for this striking attitude. From going early to school on the 1st day school reopens to reserve "good" seats, to fighting to get in line during Air Asia flights (although the seats have already been assigned now!!!), to struggling in class to be top, to cutting ques (whether at immigrations or McD), to getting into the toilet cubicles, to you-name-it-and-we've-done-it.

The Ultimate Number FOUR!!!
The Blame Game!
This is simple. Speaks for itself. Something goes wrong, blame the other party! ~~especially when it comes to politics~~

The Ultimate Number FIVE!!! -- applies to females only...i think?
The Toilet Rush!
Go to the washroom! Go in a big group! The more the merrier! And after we pee...let's camwhore. Like there's no place else on earth for that.
Fyi, this strictly doesn't apply to me.

The Ultimate Number SIX!!!
The Who, Where and Why?
Whenever you're invited to an event, the 1st thing you'll say?
"Oh..." almost unenthusiastically, "what's it about?"
I always wondered why'd you wanna attend something when you already know what it's precisely about though.
After explanation, without registering the significance
"Oh... Who else is going?"
Asians!
Well we can't be blamed. This place isn't safe for you to be anywhere without someone you know okay?

The Ultimate Number SEVEN!!!
The Back Seat= The Best Seat!
Speaks for itself doesn't it. We're contrary to what is supposed to be. Others are early to get good seats, we're early to sit right behind. Such considerate beings hm.. ;)

The Ultimate Number EIGHT!!!
Doctor, Lawyer, nothin' more/less.
Almost all parents see their kids to be a doctor or lawyer in the future, even if they don't voice it out...sad isn't it?

The Ultimate Number NINE!!!
Procrastinate!!!

The Ultimate Number TEN!!!
The Passenger Strategy!!!
One person does the work, another ten shares the credit! We're a loving community!
Works alllll theee time, oh yeahhhh...

To end this, thanks for reading! Feel free to drop a comment especially if you've more to add about this issue; ourselves, Asians! Found everywhere, all across the globe, doned with different cultures, yet these mindsets shall never cease in the mind of an Asian... Truly..Asian...

Great, now I sound like I'm promoting for some tourism company.

Hospital Sentosa

2009-03-22T21:04:00.002+08:00

One of the few things i did which gave me satisfaction this one week break is visiting Hospital Sentosa today.

~~yeah i went there for my monthly checkup~~
yeah, i went with a few other people. As a start, we were being explained of what mental illness is. Which basically means mental disturbances. There were 6 types;

Schizophrenia -- the majority ppl admitted there has this
Bipolar Affective Disorder
Depression -- mild, moderate, severe
Substance Abuse Psychosis -- usually drugs
Mental Retardation
Organic -- caused by growth, tumour, consuption of alcohol...

What I like to share about this is that, I was surprised that the patients there are pretty much like you and me; needing care, concern, attention and a listening ear. There was a patient in the female ward (altogether there were 8 wards) who started crying when we left and saying profusely to everyone, "Thank you for coming to visit us." Sometimes, we ourselves forget such a simple act of gratitude.

Another is that, under care and constant medication, they are very normal people. They can talk to you normally and some are really talented in music and in speaking especially. There are law practitioners and medical students, and most speak really really good English. I can't explain in full the experience, but the main point here is, making up society, we have to erase the social stigma. The social stigma that crazy--as we call it-- people are a threat, that they are not normal and that they are not worth our time. Seriously, i think these are all assumptions we made from watching movies. There are no patients rocking up and down, dressed in white, mumbling to himself, with shrewd hair and manic- wandering eyes, not even in the forensic ward(where those who have killed stay in). They have therapy and treatment for that. Maybe, the 1st thing we can do on our parts are to stop saying things like;
"What's wrong with you, that's wrong. Crazy ar?"
"Are you crazy?"
"Sudah gilakah, pergi Batu 7 lah."
Without realising it, this contributes to social stigma.

So, some may question, if the patients aren't dangerous, why aren't they released? There are many reasons and these I know for sure. First, naturally, those in the forensic ward are sentenced to life there. Second, some of them are taught first to be independent and when they are stable, they are allowed to live life free. Third, some have lost their family members (either to death or worse, having been disowned) and would rather stay on in the hospital, which they can call home.

Think that's too many words to swallow already, so, make an effort to find out more, and pray for the patients and those caring for them. Ending with something I found accurately placed by the Matron there;

"Contrary to popular belief, the patients here are not dangerous or violent. I think it is safer for you to come here and visit with them, than to talk a walk at Kuching Waterfront."

HAH!

2009-03-15T21:56:00.002+08:00

"If only, if only," the woodpecker sighs,
"The bark on the tree was just a little bit softer."
While the wolf waits below, hungry and lonely,
He cries to the moo-oo-oon,
"If only, if only."

--Holes, Louis Sachar