Jaded

I thought i was okay.

You see, this is what old friends or friends you feel have known you for ages do to you.

They drive you home.

I didn't expect to feel this way. After spending half a day with them, i'm really disheartened to come back here. To return to this place, which offers no comfort at all to me. Of course all this while, i'd been lying to myself to make things less painful. Telling myself it's a matter of time before i got used to this place, that i shouldn't be slow to adapt to new people and new surroundings. And most of the time, my willpower and mind power win. I make the best of what i can here. I try to see the goodness and embrace the differences of people i've been given. And i'm astounded and amazed to see how well other people can cope and i ask myself, why am i not like that?

But there are moments like now, where i just want to be wholly honest with myself. I don't care how i'm supposed to feel, i don't care how i should be optimistic. I hate how things are here.

I'm always reminded of how i used to be. And yes, people change. Changes aren't all that bad bla bla bla. But i can't help but wonder how on earth did i get so jaded?

Where's that person in the mirror i once knew?

The one who didn't have to think twice before saying something. The one who won't think twice about standing up for herself or someone else. The one who actually had fun, spent quality time with people she loved and cared not what others thought. The person i was before putting all these masks on.

It really sucks because all i did was try and try to be a better person thinking that i'm doing the right thing, but that seems to have backfired. All i have done it seems, is changed myself into a completely different person and closed many doors to people. The kind of person i feared i'd become. A person who can't make up my mind, who do things and say things to impress, who is suddenly all too cautious with speech, who dwells upon the past and who wallows in self- pity.

I want to be who i was at some point of my life. Joyful, carefree, confident, sensitive to others, encouraging people to just be themselves, unafraid to show that i care and be simply vulnerable. With no need of being accepted and with no intention to impress. Sometimes, with the right people, i feel that creeping out from behind all these masks. Like today, i was with people who knew me for who i am, who have seen my flaws and knew what i have gone through. I didn't say much, nor did i ask much. Maybe because i was too tired. But their presence was enough.


But here i am, back to where i don't belong and it's really depressing. Not only literally, being back in TAR, but also where i've been stuck for a few years. Neither here nor there.