throw me a drink

"What qualities do you look for in a guy?"

The number of times i've had this question thrown into my face because i've never been known to have ever really dated or been in a relationship before (i would like to stress here that i'm as normal as the next person, thank you very much). So much so that i've even perfected my answer and felt rather smart about it; I will let you know about those so-called qualities i'm looking for when and if i ever met him.

But in my answer rings some truth and i kid you not.

Okay so i'm twenty 19 going on 20 and i won't lie about not spending at least one inappropriate sitting-on-the-toilet-bowl moment to ponder on the birds and bees of life (yes, cue gasps. i think the setting made that sound less sappy though). In addition, it does not help one bit that 52908672083577028547052 people on your facebook friends list cannot restrain themselves from posting couple photos which sometimes make me feel uncomfortably embarrassed (at least make some things a private affair??), annoying wall messages, weirdly suggestive tags and status updates which involve lyrics from every love song under the sun. It also doesn't help that in a few years time, relatives who already sound suggestive and hinting, will inevitably start to ask questions. It's like the world is screaming into my face, "What the heck is wrong with you?? Why you no the same as the others?!" Well at least, i can't help but feel being cornered that way.

In times like these (when my feelings, desires, hormones, angst, thoughts, needs, perceptions, expectations, experiences and influences all conflict one another like rojak in a bowl. i know right, teenagers these days), i do one thing. Screw it and continue the disembowelment process Question God. Who can claim to know better than He who creates? (Awesome God is awesome, rawr). This takes different forms for different people, of course. For me, i did some reading up and have gained some insight which i hope will steer me into the path intended for me, whatever it is. So i hope it helps you straighten up, if even a little, the seemingly unstraightenable.

I hope your eyes are ready, because the next line is incredibly cliche. But true.

I have learned that God has to be present, and not only present. He has to be the very foundation of every friendship and relationship.

For those who cannot relate to what you may think is "my idea of God", you may view it instead as true love. True love indicates that for a relationship to work, there cannot exist in it selfish desires. Which includes, and most especially so, satisfying sexual desires. Please do not get me wrong or start thinking that i'm asexual or worse, lesbian, as some have hinted at before. /facepalm 582035703 times
I don't mean to sound like a relationship guru but really, if all that a party is seeking for is sexual satisfaction in a relationship, i'm sorry that is just not love (and if you're honest to yourself, you will admit that too). Not love if you're just in a relationship to stick it into the faces of others or to get by lonely days or to feel good. As the late Blessed John Paul II said, the opposite of love is not hate, but use.

Upon learning this, my immediate reaction was to wonder how pure love could still thrive in this world, where we've grown up having the media brainwashing us into believing all sorts of tish-tosh. It makes me take a hard look at myself and at people around me.

Another statement i've had thrown into my face very often like a glass of stinging vodka is, why the expectation and why so demanding? Which gives me my second realisation; that if God has in store for me someone special, why would i want to settle for something the world tells me to go for??
Why forfeit a banquet for RM2 chicken rice?? (sorry if i offended any chicken rice lovers out there). Why settle for standards of the world? Why try out any relationship with someone simply because he or she readily available?
I will know when the right person comes along, he will be one who draws me closer to God, who will be worth waiting for, worth saving myself for and worth sharing life with. And if that never comes along, my life is still as complete as it could ever be with Christ by my side.
Weird as this may sound, i realised this after reading A Walk to Remember, a sappy novel about a boy who fell in love with a girl great story about how true love triumphs over even death and how true love can involve great sacrifices.

So second lesson for myself; fret not, life live an adventure today, keep an open heart and if you are blessed enough that God sends someone along, take the leap of faith you have to take. (I'm very much happy with the fretting nothing and living today part).

Third lesson and i must say this is my favourite; is the lesson some of my favourite saints have taught; that friendships can be pure. Take St Francis and St Claire of Assisi. Take St Theresa of Avila and St John of the Cross. In a world of much speculations, assumptions and well honestly, too much confusing body language, it is a relief to know that a man and woman can share a pure friendship with genuine love and concern for each other.

Friendships ftw!!!

Anyway, just to some it all up, i want to share the following poem which a friend once shared with me. It has always given me much inspiration and hope in my very-unsure-of-myself or not-so-good-days.

So if you ever find yourself having one of those sitting-on-the-toilet-bowl moments, i pray this helps.

"Believe it and be satisfied

Everyone longs to give themselves completely to someone,
To have a deep soul relationship with another,
To be loved thoroughly and exclusively.
But God, to a Christian, says,
"No, not until you are satisfied, fulfilled and content
With being loved by Me alone,
With giving yourself totally and unreservedly to Me,
With having an intensely personal and unique relationship
With Me alone.
Discovering that only in Me is your satisfaction to be found,
Will you be capable of the perfect human relationship
That I have planned for you.
You will never be united with another until you are united
With Me alone,
Exclusive of anyone or anything else,
Exclusive of any other desires or longings.
I want you to stop planning,
Stop wishing,
And allow Me to give you the most thrilling plan existing,
One that you cannot imagine.
Please allow Me to bring it to you.
You just keep watching Me, expecting the greatest things.
Keep experiencing the satisfaction that I Am.
Keep listening and learning the things I tell you.
You just wait.
That's all.
Don't be anxious.
Don't worry.
Don't look at the things you think you want;
You just keep looking off and away up to Me,
Or you'll miss what I want to show you.
And then when you are ready,
I'll surprise you with a love far more wonderful than any
You could dream of.
You see, until you are ready and until
The one I have for you is ready
(I am working even at this moment to have you both ready at the same time),
Until you are both satisfied exclusively with Me
And the life I prepared for you,
You won't be able to experience the love that
Exemplified your relationship with Me.
And this is the perfect love.
And dear one, I want you to have this most wonderful love,
I want you to see in the flesh a picture of your
Relationship with Me,
And to enjoy materially and concretely
The everlasting union of beauty, perfection and love
That I offer you with Myself.
Know that I love utterly.
I Am God.
Believe it and be satisfied."
~ St. Anthony of Padua