Ramblings

I can't figure out to whom i can tell this to. To whom i can pour out how i feel. Because i do not quite know myself. And so i have resorted to expressing myself here in this dusty corner of the cyber world. How jaded.

This semester is a short one. It's good in the sense that the shorter it is, the faster i can go home. But i find myself struggling because i might have made a mistake. I planned quite carefully for each day of my life here to be laden with things to do or with deadlines. In hopes of making time pass by faster. Which works, mind you. But in the midst of that all, i struggle to keep afloat. I avoid time where i would be alone with just me, myself and i. So when i'm doing nothing, i go out for a drink at the mamak. Or i spend my time being online. Or reading a book. Anything.

Then there's that part of me which is so very afraid because i feel that i didn't do well for the last semester. It is something quite new. My friend said, "it's about time." I don't usually feel this way during secondary school days. The results wasn't superb but in all honesty i actually did fine. But i don't feel fine. Which makes me wonder if i'm wired wrongly. I should be feeling contentment. But i don't. Maybe i feel like i didn't work hard enough for it, which is pretty true. Then again, it is materialistic, is it not?? And among so many things in life, how can i put my studies in the highest pedestal?

There are gonna be two tests this week. And here i am, wallowing myself in this.

Then there are things in college bothering me. I don't like gossip but lately, i've found myself victim to it. Even started the ball rolling. And i justify myself. Everyone needs channels to express themselves and i'm not saying anything false. But gossip is gossip. And i hate that i'm tempted to live with it.

Then, backfiring my entire plan, even amidst being busy, i still find that i think about home as much. I think about the people. I think about the different clusters of friends i have and how during chinese new year, a realisation shook me so hard. I don't know who i am. They say that, to know a person, look at the friends they keep. I feel like i'm neither here nor there in that. I have all sort of friends and i am different when responding to different groups of people. They are seeds of friendships i sowed at different stages of my life. But in the end, i do not know where i truly stand and if there is such a thing as maintaining all friendships regardless of race, religion and background. It sounds too idealistic. I love them all, but could striving to keep each friendship just destroy them in the end and ultimately, destroy myself? In the end, i couldn't find the guts to ask any of them if i were being selfish and pretentious.

I ask vague questions or give vague hints occasionally, in hopes that someone i can trust will come along and ask me what's wrong. Like today. How pathetic is that. But there is no response because that just happens in the movies. Besides, if someone did ask, what am i to say? I myself do not know?

Instead of consolation, i find myself plagued into the past where i was confused. There were a lot of gossips. There were a lot of backstabbing and it seemed that nobody took notice nor cared. And so i remained silent. I wanted to reach out and say, I believe and trust you. I never gave up on you, and i still have not. But nobody made any clarification and i did not ask. I wanted to tell what i thought but will my opinions matter? I wanted to keep things together, to keep everybody together. But that was never meant to happen. I wanted to see things patched up again, to see the ministry i love grow again, to see my friend lay down trust again. But that seems a light year away.

I try my best, but here God seems far far away. Yet again, He throws me such strong signs at times that i can only break down and remain convicted. But He throws me no company. And i wonder if it were wrong to pray that somebody will come along and walk this journey with me? Most of the time, i wish it were someone from home. It is humane to need a human being. But isn't Christ all we really need? And don't people say that we are never truly alone?

Today, St Peter says to Jesus; We have given up everything to follow you.

I feel like i've given up many things. The only difference is i'm not sure if i'm doing that to follow Him. I've given up home, i've given up on people, i've given up time, i've given up comfort and friends, given up..
But somewhere i'm still holding on. And i don't know if that's for better or for worse. And i don't know how long it's gonna take.