I’ve had quite a lot to think of the past week. There was the soft raindrops pummeling through the entire day at the beginning of the week. I loved it. I’ve always loved the rain. There’s something to it. Perhaps it was how i was taught to. But there’s something about the way it falls down to the earth, how the leaves catch them, how they catch the Sun's reflection and how they seep gracefully into the earth. There’s something about looking up into to sky and feeling as though the raindrops fell from the heavens. Something about how the celestial droplets connect God and man in such an invisible way. Quite literally. Something about how you can touch, see, smell, hear, taste and feel the raindrops in your soul. All at the same time. It reminds me of many many things.
I've also learned this Lenten season that it's important to verbalise. It can set one free. And it has set me free in a certain aspect. To say something out, means to fully accept it and let it go. Suddenly, it becomes quite clear to me that there are some things i should have verbalised, things i should have asked but did not.
I've never thought of it that way before. Ive always thought that keeping quiet is the right virtue, whatever the circumstance.
I guess, the other thing i love is words. I love how words can be strung together, i love the ring to some words. I love how words make me feel. I love how i see certain words and know that only i know what they mean to me in a way no one else understands. I've learned to recognise promptings of the spirit in words. Like rain, there is also something about how words can connect two souls. In a strange way, even the absence or the lack of necessity of words mean a million things.
Words fill my soul, my heart and my mind. They are forms of wonder, question, awe. Sometimes, even hurtful words which keep replaying like a broken tape.
That's where i cannot contain the enormity of words. I cannot convert some things into verbal words. Some events. Some wonder. Some anger. Some uncertainty. Some disbelief. And many many questions.
And that's where i crash and burn. I realised that there has always been a part of me dying to say some things to some people but i've just always shoved that feeling away, because it's simply more convenient that it remains this way. Perhaps, one day i will finally say it all out.
Vague words aside, i've also realised another thing. I can be such a hypocrite.
On one horizon are my noble and high dreams of reaching out to others. When i think of the word "ministry" my mind goes to the poor, the socially awkward, people who have their own eccentric views or anyone visibly suffering to me. Most of the time, i feel called to help those who suffer in their subtle ways, who are struggling quietly mentally and emotionally. I want to make it a better place for many many people. And have always failed.
On the horizon of reality, i do not make my stand. It seems to me like my yearning to help others is selective. It's as though i would not think twice to help people i have grown fond of, but would probably not do the same for others. Maybe it's even circumstantial or biased. It is more difficult to be nice here than it was in kuching.
I stand idly by as some struggle to be heard. I allow myself to participate in idle talk of people, of the way they are and the way they choose to lead their lives. I curse them. Instead of doing something to change anything. I let myself be angry at injustice. But what do i do about it? I merely spit in its face. I say nothing. I do nothing to change anything.
Ultimately, i'm not sure how i can change that of myself.
And on a random note, i woke up to a strange dream this morning which i wish were real.
Anyway, despite being disappointed in myself, others and some happenings, i would say that it has been a good week. After all, the recognition of the bad is the start of good deeds isn't it?
Like many times before, i feel myself searching again. Longing to feel the way i did before...Dekat padaMu, itu rinduku.
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