I still find myself surprised at how God works and will probably always continue to be surprised. How at one moment, i can come so close to losing my faith and the next, it becomes obvious He is so blatantly present and alongside me all the while.
I am amazed at the ways He gently prompts me back onto the right path. Yes, i often despair, often complain against the seeming silence when i desperately need an answer and often lose my patience. Yet, at the end of the day, I thank God that i am still able to find that little spot in my heart big enough for Him to work miracles so that i may remain rooted in love and faith.
After all, one could have the faith of a mustard seed and give a command to the mountain that it may move. And it only takes a spark to get a fire going.
Today, i am moved in the most unexpected way possible. Broken into smithereens then, convicted and strengthened all over again.
In a sudden blur of realisation that there are still people out there, trying to fight the good fight to the very end makes me feel less alone.
Of late, i've been so caught up in unnecessary stuff and was beginninng to feel frustrated that i have lost how it feels like to just sit in the presence of God. It seemed easier to just "settle for less". To tell myself; Relax and be complacent because no matter what you do, you can only go so far because that's what you have to offer.
Then the little and subtle reminders come pouring in. To assure me that i am not alone in what i hope for, in what i believe in and in my efforts.
I think i got bitter somewhere along the line..disappointed at how stuck i am in life and feeling left out by the entire world and people i love. Where do i belong to now??
And indeed, things have changed inevitably. People come and go; even the very nature of friendship changes shape. That hurts, especially when so little can be done about it.
So much so that i begin to believe that maybe, i'm just meant to wipe out the past, forget about what's left behind and just focus on the now so that it'd be less tiring. Which was what i did but found out that relationships do not work that way.
At the end of the day, i discover that there will remain certain people in my lifetime of whom i can count on. Some who may come and go, but are still those who will always, always remind me of who i am, who i used to be and who i want to become. People who, if only i were willing to open my heart to, would indeed come to my aid and pray for and with me. How could i have forgotten that??
I've just been too blinded and led into the selfish thinking that i can rely on nothing human. Too much focused on myself that i forget that others could be struggling silently too.
In that strange realisation that the troubles of others could POSSIBLY be larger than my own; shrewd already as mine are, i feel like i've been looking at the wrong picture all along.
In my efforts to remain as close to Christ as possible, perhaps in an almost- obsession to be near perfection that trivial things render me exasperated, could i have lost touch with those sent along my path so that we may tend to each others' wounds before we hasten on our way?
The cross of Christ, as a priest aptly depicts, is shaped as such, because that's how our lives ought to be. A cross. The vertical of it; our relationship with God. And the horizontal; our reaching out to others.
How tempting to believe that unworthiness will keep us away from the One who loves us. How convenient, actually.
Yet, as St Francis of Assisi puts it, "I have been all things unholy, if God can work through me, He can work through anyone."
And indeed so for me. May even my shame and guile be offered up and somehow bring forth goodness.
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