Life as I know it

So much has happened around me and at those moments in time, i found that i couldn't find the words to describe what i was feeling, what was happening and all. Perhaps everything's been too overwhelming and too big for words.

But now i feel that, not to write (more like type) everything down would somehow do myself some sort of wrong. I don't know where to start and don't know what i intend to make out of this blog post. But i just have to spill some out of this heart of mine. I've lost touch many times and questioned my own motives for sharing stories of my life (i was always afraid of coming off as being patronising or of being insensitive to others) but i've always believed that writing is somewhat therapeutic and if God wills it to be, He could touch others with this.

I'm nearing the end of yet another semester and to sum it up..i think things have been looking up a lot. I feel like i've grown much and people around me have done themselves some growing up as well. It's quite a mixed feeling.

I didn't mention it before, but i had quite a rough patch during the last semester break. The fact is, however much i tried clinging on to what i had, they slip away faster than i was prepared for. I told a friend that if i could, i'd escape from going to Blessed Sacrament, from making my appearance there. It was quite a lie i suppose. The truth is, it's not easy to "belong" to a parish you hardly go to and to try is just somewhat painful. Things and people you were familiar with suddenly felt so so distant. And by starting to embrace that things like that happen, i found it was less difficult and a little less sad. I started to recognise that, my era there is done and over with, at least for the time being. If i hadn't done my best in those three years given, there's no turning back and it's time to move past the regrets.

My life now has to be in the present and so before flying back to KL for this semester, i told myself that i must quit playing the i-miss-home-and-this-place-is-just-retarded-and-not-what-i'm-used-to game. This is my youth and i was determined to make the best out of my college life, regardless of the estrangement of this place.

And cliche as it may sound, it became true for me that by changing one's perceptions, one changes her world.

Maybe the turning point for me was during the CSS Annual Camp. Human as this may sound, i see many of the dreams i didn't know i had, coming true. In the company of people i least expected and in a place i thought i least liked.

I think i've forgotten what it's like to be my age. Heck, to have the freedom of acting my age. Maybe sometimes, playing the grown up role gets tiring, especially when deep down, i feel that i just don't have that in me.

Anyway, as part of the camp's aim and programme, we were assigned to take care of a child. With a partner or in groups of three. These children were from broken families and stayed with the Salvatorian sisters in Malacca. Most of them have never been to the beach before.


To cut the long story short, i was actually really nervous about the whole thing. I love kids, but i've never been good with them and being the only child, i knew almost nothing about their needs. I decided to let my partner take charge. But the moment the child i was assigned to, Pitrina, turned away from him and reached out for me instead, something touched my soul. It was a strange peer into my own childhood, the sadness and bitterness i cling onto. It's a sign of solidarity, of trust and above all, of acceptance. Don't get me wrong, i have a lovely family and i cannot be more thankful..but there are some things which will always haunt you.

I don't know, but that experience definitely changed me. It helped me understand better how i came to become such a mess (yes, i'm quite a mess), how so many relationships, especially the ones i cared most about, almost never seemed to work out the way i wanted them to and how i came to turn my whole life upside down.

I've also learned to love.

These are the people God gave me here. And i finally got a foretaste of what He meant when He said "Take up your cross and follow Me."
I was so pampered and indeed blessed with friendships over the years until i got here and felt that every single person i met was a challenge. I was too selfish to give room for allowance. I just had to look at the defect. The language barrier, the background, the so very foreign to me opinions, the way of dealing with things.
I thought that i was the one giving everyone chances, but no, i was the one being given a second chance.

Here, i'm taught how love, especially of that rooted in Christ, recognises no language, no culture and knows no barriers. I'm overwhelmed at how totally different souls from totally different worlds are given the chance to cross paths and find friendship and comfort in one another in this crazy world. Every single soul i've crossed paths with are beautiful and were formed by one same Creator. From the friends i've stumbled upon during my first year in the hostel, to the CSS family given to me, to weekly Rosary prayers, to Disciple class, to my classmates and house-mates. Speaking of classmates, i'm also so ever thankful that ever since i moved out to Wangsa Maju, i've grown much closer to the gang. It has made my life much more exciting and interesting, something i haven't felt in a while. There's always another world out there, which is not aware of an amazing God and i thank Him that in that world, He sent me one person, alvin who shares a similar faith. I thank Him for putting me in my class, to see things the way they see and to understand the vastness of humanity. I see better now, how i can be used here. And to be honest, it's a good feeling.


Through all that, i've also come to a great realisation. Truly, truly, there is so much more to life than my education. So much more than assignments and examinations. I see very clearly now how i used to make my studies such a big part of my life. I've always had a balance, more so than others..but today i see how even if i screwed up my studies, the world will not come to an end. Like, seriously.

And i've also come to a recognition that faith, as i know it, is so much greater. Faith is tested. Faith never falters. Faith is ever there even when i know not. Faith is holding on. Faith is letting go. It's so many things.

However, on a different note, there are of course still many things i have to overcome. It hasn't been oh-so-smooth-sailing. I hit some really low moments as well along the semester. I wish i could spend more time with Him. It's been a struggle trying to cling on to the Lord, to remember my prayers. And it wasn't doing me good. But i did what was right and i walk on.

There are also moments where i still feel very out of place. Very torn because i wanted to hold on to older things but at the same time want to break through into a new life. Above all, i miss my family sorely and i wish i could be there for them. I miss being in the choir, singing praises through Mass beside stella and having random meals with gerald. I miss reening and hannah. I miss the freedom during ASC and how ten days could translate into wonderful friendships, especially with julie. i miss my form 5 classmates dearly as well. i miss those moments of laughter, sarcasm and more.


Sometimes, i question friendships. With old friends, how do i know which to cling on to? Which would be worth it? Do efforts matter or is it like what they say, just let things find their way? At times, it makes me feel phoney. Am i trying to hard? With every relationship that glows dimmer and sometimes with each soul i lose, i feel my heart droop a little. And i suppose such questions will never have a proper answer to them but with every effort i see from others to reconnect, to reignite a beautiful old memory and to take a step if just a little, uplifts me.





I've also been feeling that my current life is drawing to a certain sort of closure. Things are ending. I'm wondering if i'd be here to continue my degree next year. There are a lot of question marks.

But i've walked long and far enough to know that my God will never abandon me and lead me astray..and will always send such angels to uplift me no matter where i'd be.