Of walls and cracks

I realise something about myself. Okay so maybe that isn't wholly true. After all there are certain things which you've always somewhat known deep down. But some days like today, life thrusts truths along your path and leaves you no room to turn around and run away from it.

I realise that I do not invite confidences. Unless you're a stupid octopus head, you probably won't turn to sophia as your first source of consolation. It is a rather painful realisation but I'm not particularly depressed over it, necessarily. It has been pointed out to me that I could push away those I care most about and it is possibly true. I am cold and seemingly distant. I seem to lack a certain touch of..humanity and its relativity which inspires others to believe that maybe..just maybe I will not understand, that I am unable to symphatise. I do not freely express my feelings. Or I can't. This is my defence mechanism. It is in the way I carry myself, the way I speak and the way I conceal my emotions that could understandably lead others to think that there is a lack thereof. I have meticulously and tirelessly built these walls.

But I am trying. Trying to present to you the truest form of myself, the most vulnerable bits of it because I truly believe that honest, possibly unrequited love, for fellow men supersedes any form of holocausts possible. I realise that I do not always speak the kindest words nor provide the safest of comforts. Heck if I survived a day without spouting cynical remarks, I would call it quite an accomplishment. These walls have after all taken 21 years in building and little had I known that these mechanisms of mine are feeding the foundation to such formidable forts.

But I beg you, give me some time and by the grace of God I will demolish them for love of God and for love of you.

To all of you whom I've been a horrible friend to in one sense or another, won't you forgive my faults, bear with my fore-bearing attitude and brandish your own sledgehammer and tear down my walls, a brick at a time?