To Me,

Before you know it, you're in your twenties and you've thought that by then you'd have it all figured out. You've dreamt of how it'd be like and you thought the world to be within arm's length. The cozy dinner tables draped with fresh linen table cloth, the scent of coffee, the silhouette of petals against the dancing candlelight. In your mind's eyes, this takes place in a strange city, a place you've never been to even in your wildest dreams, yet cozier than the cafe would be the company you'll be keeping.

Oh love, you're young. I detest you. I love you and I envy you. You're free but my mind's taken its toll on me. You speak your mind but I hold my tongue. But you're me, still me.
You look around you and you think that these friends you've made are here to stay. You laugh at their jokes, you love their smiles. You feel the tingle and warmth when you share a knowing look. You've shared some tears and meals and books. What more is there to ask for?

Days ahead of you will come and seize you by surprise. Then, you won't know any more. You will no longer know with certainty, you will no longer love without fear. You will not speak without weighing your words, nor offer your embrace without considering yourself. You will learn that your arms around yourself is a pathetic gesture for comfort but far safer. You begin to doubt yourself and the comforts of your bed begin to allure more than streets full with strangers, none stranger than yourself. You will turn to yourself for company and turn to wrong places. People will doubt your sincerity and wonder at your seemingly lack of compassion and thoughtful words.

You will write letters to people across the sea from where you are, people you thought you've known your entire life. You fail to post these written letters. You keep them tucked in your journal, where unread, you can fool yourself into believing that they might care and know you better if they'd received your letter. You will learn, very painfully, that relationships take more than patience, coincidence and that your efforts may never suffice. You will look back and see your own weaknesses, magnified through the lenses of your past. You will hear every snide remark you've ever made, you will watch as you grapple for attention and observe how you failed to notice your friend's heartaches. You will feel like an inconvenience, a terrible coincidence and every greeting you make will sound like a voice of plea to your own ears and eyes. You will begin to feel that no one could love you ultimately and worse still you will start to believe that it's okay because you never deserved it anyway.

Just take a moment to breathe when it all comes falling apart around you and pick up the debris of your own ruin, a piece at a time; the lost friendships, the demolished hopes and dreams. The darkness will pass and with dawn, you shall have a new heart.