Angry tak jadi

Today's the day I got properly angry at a student. Now don't get me wrong, I didn't actually go Hulk on her. In fact, I didn't even raise my voice at her or scold her.  

It made me realise that my pet peeve as a teacher is rudeness. I've a high tolerance for mischievous kids, witty kids, outspoken kids, harshly honest kids, even lazy kids. Often, I even commend their wit and directness and I leave most classes feeling like I probably let the kids have their way too much. 

But today, in one of these classes which I've zero control over- as in a class where not a single soul even bothered to listen when I was giving instructions (cue huge exasperated sigh)- I was walking around when I found this girl not even having her exercise book out on the table. I'm usually okay with that. I'll ask nicely, even check if there's any reason they're behaving that way and then cajole them into doing the exercise I've given. 

But this girl wouldn't even look up, just mumbled something along the lines of "nanti lah saya buat" and proceeded to answer her friend on the other side of the table when i wasn't even done talking to her. I walked away cause I felt one of my throw the table over tempers approaching. If I hadn't felt that way, I would've probably just pointed out to her that she was being disrespectfulv. 

I sat down and marked some of their finished work and told myself that I just needed to breathe. I knew this wasn't just about the girl. The thing about being a teacher is that some days you feel absolutely invisible and small. And some days, you just feel like as the days pass, you seem to suck more and more at your job. Some days, your values are so misaligned with most teachers' that you begin to question them. Some days, it's even more horrifying to panic and think "omg I don't think I care about this, all I want is to sleep til kingdom come. Have I been desensitised by the damn system?!" Some days, you just feel immensely guilty that none of your students are showing apparent progress.

It happens very frequently and today's just one of those days when it's harder to push the feeling away. The touching moment for me (yes I'm a teacher, there always has to be some form of silver lining or lesson so sue me) was when one of the boys, whom I've heard a gazillion complaints about from other teachers for always being defiant but for whom I had a soft spot, walked up to the front of the class where I was sitting in the midst of the chaos that was his class. He paused for a really long time before he asked "cikgu. cikgu okay tak?"

What the heck how to be continue being angry like this. I forced a smile and assured him I was alright and then sure enough, I was the next moment. 

Sigh. 

Lather. Rinse. Repeat.