Family

I've had a couple of sleepless nights. Tonight is one. Lately, i've been feeling the other writer side of me pleading to be heard; the one that speaks less in riddles, who is confident with what she has to say and less afraid of misleading others and of what others might think.

So i decided, for once, why not speak directly? Thus here i am typing away and i wanna try put these muddled thoughts of mine in words.


I need to speak my piece of mind on family. Touchy feely subject. One we avoid but is actually what we critically need to speak of. So many problems and so many solutions spring from the closest people in our lives, whether we like it or not; our families.


Here is what i want to share; what i've experienced, observed and felt.

Three years ago, i started going back to church and despite all sorts of circumstances, my love for God and for the Holy Church grew.

In retrospect, i had failed to realise a danger then.

I was like a child, discovering that the world had so many things to offer. In a messed up world, suddenly i came to know a God who is all goodness and who is ever perfect.


What happened? I threw myself into that.
Now, don't get me wrong. There is nothing more beautiful, important and comforting than to fall into the arms of a loving Father in Heaven.

What i did not realise is that, whilst i gave all my energy, thoughts and time to being as involved as possible in church, little did i realise that i was pushing away more and more the greatest gift God could give a person; family. And community. People i cared about.

I think it's a form of escape, to run to Perfection, to avoid all imperfections life had to offer. All i wanted to do was live in that secret hide-out.

Then, along the way, as i came to a certain point in my life, it suddenly hit me right in the face that in my discovery of a Perfect God, i must come to terms with the imperfections in the family and community life He wants me to have. My journey towards perfection cannot be travelled alone. It should not be. How crazy it was to have preferred being all alone all the time.

It has to echo the words Fr. once spoke, "our relationship cannot just be vertical, but also horizontal."

We all have our own ideas of how a family should be. I know i do. There are still days where i find myself wishing that my family were like this, or like that.

But that all matters not. Being home, it breaks my heart whenever i catch a glimpse or a flicker or pain in the eyes of some people. It makes me wonder if i were the only one who saw it. It makes me wonder if i had imagined that being there. It makes me wonder if it were a gift or curse. It makes me wonder how we can sometimes be so good at seeing that in the eyes of strangers but how we are most blinded when we look into the eyes of those closest to us.

What unreasonable expectations we sometimes throw onto the backs of our loved ones in belief that we are doing them good. How we form in the back of our minds what each and every member is supposed to be.

Parents, it's time to see that you're driving kids up the wall. Let children be children.
And children, it's time to see that whatever insane ways your parents enforce upon you, perhaps that is the only way they know how to love..

I'm sorry
should my words have sliced your soul
Or my deeds too bold and cold.

I'm sorry
that i cannot let go
Sorry if i'd failed to learn
not to give up on you so.

I'm sorry
if i were here when i should
and there when i shouldn't.

I'm sorry
if my tears were disturbance to you
Or my laughter somewhat out of tune.

I'm sorry i may love wrong
or sorry
that i may have loved selfishly.

I'm sorry
that these imperfections
are the only ways i know
to love and show i care about you
very much so.

It's crazy.

I do not know if this speaks for others or if it were just me.
But on this Feast Day of Divine Mercy, let us just bear in mind that we're loved for who we are (though who i am sometimes i do not know) and who we love. And not at all what we accomplished or failed to do.