Life as it is

So, i've begun my Year 2. Oh by the way, i kick start it by attending a non- existent lecture because i almost never check the group page on facebook. I mean, who posts important news like that on facebook anyway???! In Sheldon Cooper's words, Oh globalisation, thou art a heartless bitch.

On a different note, it feels strange. In some ways, it's seriously crazy how time flies. In some other ways, it's damn slow and it just makes me wanna cry. Anyway, a few trips back and forth and i'm still not used to leaving home. But this time around, i refuse to let myself wallow in that. I'm here in KL and i'm gonna live this life. I cannot allow myself to just be a ghost of a shadow with neither a life here nor there. So, it's time to move along.

But moving along isn't as easy as i think it'd be. I win world's most unadaptive creature title:D However, i'm doing much better this time. As John Denver sang, even if you lose yourself and don't know what to do, the memory of love will see you through.

That's what happens to me a lot here. Losing myself. I say things i don't normally say, i do things i don't normally do. Worst of all, i don't do things i usually do. And the realisation of that only hits me in the face everytime i go home. But I think my last semester break being home helped a lot. For some reason, i began to acknowledge my weaknesses. I acknowledged my feelings. I acknowledged that i don't want to come back to KL. I began begging in my prayers. I began to question. Actually, it was like throwing a childish tantrum at God, hah. And after all that tantrum throwing..just like a child, i just embrace that i cannot have things my way. It's as though, if after all that, i still have to leave, it must have to happen then.

In addition, i began to discover more about myself. For a long time, i have wondered if my reasons of sticking around in the name of "service" in church have been for selfish reasons. Because the only reason i'm still around is because i feel like i cannot just ditch the people there, just like that. Particularly if the person were the instrument used to bring me back onto the right path. The living proof of God calling and being very much real for me. And particularly so if i notice the struggles people go through in that very parish i love so much. So, i wondered if i was only serving because of that reason. I wondered if it were wrong. I wondered if it had anything to do with pride. As if things would become undone and dysfunctional if i weren't there.
Hasn't it always been said that we serve God and God alone?
So i actually tried giving up, but it never happened. All it took was a single text message to make me understand that even being this far from home, i cannot just leave in that sense. A single text message in the middle of the night seeking very practical help. I cannot just not care.
I'm amazed at how someone i know could do it. How he just left everything behind and disappeared. Without a word. I wanted to follow that track. And i realised how dumb that was. How that could hurt others. It was his road to take, but not mine. At least not for now and at least not without any closure. When i was talking to a friend over breakfast about what i felt, it suddenly dawned onto me that maybe this is exactly what i was called for. Simply to accompany. All this while, i have bombastic dreams. I want to see the youth prosper, i want to see multitudes of people, i want to see unity, i want to see great things happening. I want to be part of that. It seemed like the thing one should do to serve God and God alone, to offer herself as an instrument to allow such miracles to happen. But suddenly, i realised that maybe i was looking at the wrong mountains all along. These aren't mine to climb. We're not supposed to serve God and God alone..we're supposed to serve God and His people.

Maybe i was simply called to be a friend. To accompany. To support and to always always be there. And all along, that was just what i want to be. I just didn't know it. Yesterday, i stumbled upon an online article that God calls us to things we are passionate about. This is what i am passionate about. Friendship. Human relationships. Maybe i'm not the best person or company you can have but while you're looking for one, i want to be there for the heartaches. And in the end, isn't it all part of serving God and people? On a more personal level?

Besides that, i've also been praying for the grace and strength to forgive. At times, it is a curse to know something extra which others do not. For a long, long time, i've pondered on the terrible terrible deeds a friend has done. Not only to me, but to others whom i cared most about. And for that, i found that i could no longer call him a friend. That was fine. But that resentment grew and i began to struggle with hatred. That is probably why little little forms of injustice and gossips tick me off. I found myself resenting him and the reflections of his deeds in others. I was angry that nobody else knows. Realising that, i asked for the grace to forgive. And to be very honest, i'm still on the way. But i was overwhelmed because not only did grace arrive, but suddenly there's a reason for me to forgive. A reason. And that makes things look less ugly than they were before. Maybe someday, i'd get over it.

So that's about it and this is life as it is at the moment. Nothing extraordinary, nothing huge. Just my life as it is. On a different level, i'm quite nervous about CSS Freshies Night next week. I have to lead the sing- along. It isn't exactly my forte and in all honesty i don't feel mentally prepared, but what has to come will come. What is our own strength anyway?

Lectures are so far so good and i'm looking forward to French class to begin next week. Looking forward to badminton. Looking forward to meeting freshmen in CSS. Looking forward to know everyone else better. Looking forward to meeting up and train rides. Looking forward to great things to come. And then looking forward to being home again! To life as it should be.