Hearts

The loneliest moment isn't when you're physically alone..it's when you are surrounded by people and happenings yet still feel the emptiness tugging at your heart. And if that weren't terrible enough, a different emptiness known as helplessness tops it.

I could be wired wrongly but that's just how i feel.

Over the years, i've learnt to hide and ignore that. I try not to show my feelings, especially when it's not a good one. I do not want to be labelled "sensitive". And i've done it so cautiously, even without realising it.

In my world, to cry is being weak, to complain is being pathetic, to whine is just unacceptable and touchy feely stuff are just cheesy. That's just how i was brought up. And so i was an opportunity- seizing person, full of energy and confidence and spontaneous. To me, that was the only way to stay on top. Or afloat. There is no such thing as being helpless. That's the impression i still project to others at times.


But it gets harder and harder day by day. Maybe there's only so much a heart can contain. And i begin to wonder if that's the reason why i get broken up.

Of late, so little is needed to make me tear up. So little is needed to make me feel as though my heart and soul weigh a tonne. Little little things trigger me. Sometimes i detest it. I want my old self back.

I read an almost innocent comment by a friend two days ago on Facebook..and that one sentence of hers just crushed me. To me, it sums up all the things which aren't within my power to solve. All the people and friendships i've lost, heartaches i've witnessed, the brokenness i've seen in people's eyes, the walls people have built..sometimes against me. That feeling of being unable to do anything about it overwhelms.

It is scary. It is scary to care so much about another human person. Scarier when you know it might be unrequited. And scarier still that she will never know you did small things for her in secret in fear of showing that you care outright. Worst of all, you do not want to acknowledge that you could care and love a friend that much.

Yesterday, we read part of 1Kings 18 where Elijah fled and meets God on Mount Horeb. I feel like Elijah; tired of caring, worn out and wondering if i were the only one left. I just want to sit and rest under a tree.

But God won't allow that, He provides me with food and water. "Get up," He says. But i do not want to. I just want to sit there. So badly.

"Eat otherwise the journey will be too long for you." I wondered how that's supposed to be consolation to me.

That's when someone said that, if we don't move from the tree..maybe it'll just wither up and your shade will be gone and that's where you'll die. I don't want to die that way. The only way to go is forwards.

Fr Rudy Wong said that to seek refuge, it's not to the church we run to but to our heart. The thing is, how do i do that exactly? But i have hope that maybe i will meet my God on the mountain..and recognise Him in the sound of sheer silence.

For now, i just have to get up. "If it's His will that we suffer anyway, let us then suffer for doing the right thing."

I must go on caring and loving, however imperfect it will be.